One more question. When you said your H changed into the person you wanted...did you tell him what was wrong with your R? Did you open up and specifically tell him what your needs were?
The closest thing my W told me was that she just didn't feel "in love and attracted to me anymore". And this is after a year and a half of this craziness. I think the closest thing she told me was that she held little resentments against me that she didn't tell me about at the time. When I asked her for an example of on of the resentments, she said like when I would forget to take out the garbage on some nights. I can't believe someone would D just because of a few missed garbage days.
Kind of hard when you're just shooting in the dark.
Stuck I DID tell him about what he did that caused the 'straw that broke the camels back' and made me lash out, but the truth is it wasnt really ABOUT him so much as ABOUT me... I think a lot of affairs are like that.... so you cant really 'explain' it, and nor can you blame your partner; the problem lies WITHIN, and I tihnk deep inside the person having the A knows this, and it causes a lot of shame and resentment, so they attack with blaming YOU for THEIR problem - its a smokescreen to cover up what is really going on with them. Cuz they dont even know.
To say you had an A bc you didnt feel you loved your H or W anymore isnt cutting it - there are plenty of times marriages hit a low plenty of times you may even be fighting like cats and dogs, not getting on at all, and an A doesnt happen then does it. An affair happens when something messes up inside the persons head; they reach a point they think they dont care much about the consequences, they just want to be SELFISH for once, and thats impossible to explain isnt it (and makes you sound like an Ahole.) You really cannot waste too much time blaming yourself for this or saying you didnt love her enough etc, that might be TRUE, but it didnt cause an AFFAIR. after all, SHE COULD HAVE JUST LEFT YOU!!!!! so how true could that be? Surely if things were THAT bad, a person would just walk out.
Therefore you have to realise the person who has an Affair hasnt reached that point of wanting to end their marriage, but they have reached a point where they dont care much if it DOES end, so being risky and sleeping with someone else doesnt seem like a huge big deal. Or ALTERNATIVELY, the person has an affair simply to get some excitement into their lives and DRAMA, and have sex with someone else out of lust; EITHER WAY its still an immoral and selfish choice - and blaming the marriage is so much SMOKESCREEN. nah. you coulda told yr partner, gone to conselling, or walked out of the marriage... so if you walked down the road of an AFFAIR its definitely time to look ONLY at yourself and quit blaming the partner
AND THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU AS WELL - THIS IS HER IMMORAL CHOICE AND HER BAD BEHAVIOUR. you did not "make" her do anything nor "cause" her to; there was ALWAYS other options for her
Two things for you: ONE, quit asking her why bc theres no adqeaute reason for being a selfish ahole. let that truth set you free. Thats why her reasons are LAME. there are no reasons that could fit the crime. Didnt take out the garbage? pls.
TWO: She cant tell you what she needs, how could she, when she was getting her needs met by another man? the answer is "I need you to be him". Not something you want to told to you, but its the bald truth. She thinks she was in love with this guy, she saw his AWESOMENESS didnt have to experience him on a real level, why bother feeling hurt over the attributes of a FANTASY. just you remember this: you could be FANTASY MAN TOO, if you chose to be the OP to someone. Its not magic, its dirty. But she has to come to that realisation
I think it takes about 2 years after the Affair for the person to truly reconnect to their partner and truly begin to see their behavior for how bad it was and truly ASSIMILATE the shame enough to finally feel REGRET. as I said, lets hope you can make it that long. there is no short cut.
You need to stop focussing so much on why she did what she did as its all about her mostly and not you (unless you beat her or ignored her needs compeltely, i am gonna guess you were mostly a normal husband.) MOST of us get complacent in a long term marriage its NOT a good enough excuse for an affair. you either could have tried to reconnect and work on it or you coulda walked out. the AFFAIR is a selfish act. you have a right to say it and beleive it - its true.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
