Oh no I didn't...no, really, I didn't send this but thinking about it...
You asked me if I could see us being friends and not lovers...hmmm...I need a long time to think about that. In the mean time, the kids are still referring to "family" time and when you come "home", the debt still needs to be dealt with, I need to take care of me and my future. Not sure about being friends, we'll see when the dust settles.
Looking back on an email you sent me in which you apologized for being such a "bastard" the last time you left, you included a Nietzsche quote- It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
So, I'm wondering, we've had sex a whole bunch of times recently, you want to be friends, we have two beautiful children together...what is it exactly that keeps you from considering honoring your commitment to be married? And, how do we explain this to the kids? Is it cuz daddy doesn't feel like it anymore? Or daddy needs to be able to have sex with other women? Or daddy just doesn't want to have to be around for the hard stuff?
You have a right to live your life. If this is what you want and this feels real to you, so be it. But, do you really feel good about yourself? You're finally "somebody," right? But whose taking care of your family at this time of such instability. You let the kids know that you were not sleeping here anymore just as you were about to leave town for long stretches of time. And then, you make sure your kids know that it is ok because you are with famous people and having a really awesome time. Must feel pretty demoralizing for them. But, maybe I'm projecting.
I honestly have given up being angry with you, just sad sometimes. Friends is a possibility. I certainly prefer amicability. I have done my time in purgatory. I have said my apologies and given you all of the love and acknowledgement I could muster. No, don't worry, I'm not breaking out the bitch personality...I am way beyond that. I like myself and guys dig me too so I'm alright with me.
I sure would have loved for you to be the man who showed these guys how to face a challenge, how to keep commitments, take care of business, put family first but hey, you tried, right? And you'll teach them other awesome things and they know you love them.
So, let's start with dealing with the real stuff when you get back. Let's give the kids some real answers and a clearer idea of what is happening, shall we?
This isn't going to be your childhood all over again. I'll never abandon these guys and honestly, if you stuck by me, I'd never abandon you. They are going to be taught that we all make our own choices and not that poor me, life happens to me stuff and definitely not "it is all the little ladies fault." Some man will teach them what true grit is. Honor, dignity, humility...I will find someone to teach them that stuff and I'll definitely teach it myself. I know you are a thousand times better than some other people you know...I know you are. I think I just hoped for too much when we committed to staying together for better or worse.
Some couples get to this very typical "misery" stage of a marriage and either 1)stay in it forever 2) truly learn from it and acquire real intimacy and passion or 3) split up and go back out to start all over. This isn't so special or unique. It is a challenge and many people just choose to run. AND, you're in a biz full of the most notoriously unfaithful, commitment phobic people on the planet. So, ya, you've put in a long time. Only thing is, we are just as valuable as you are. I don't want my kids spending their lives trying to prove their value because daddy thought everything else was so much more interesting...well, you know that routine. We aren't just the rough draft, you know, you'll iron it out for your next family? All three of us deserve better. Yep, even me.
Anyway, I'm sure I've said enough. Maybe you can just think about it. Prove to me that you ARE introspective and not sooo defensive that you've got to lash out at me for being honest. I want everything for these guys. I want everything for us too but you know, got to take care of myself and the kiddos now.
