Am in total disagreement on this matter. Particularly about YOU telling them this. It is not your job to show them "the truth" b/c we all know that's about YOU making their dad wrong. We can go on and on about this but let the c's and the child experts chime in here. See what THEY say, as you and I have already discussed. PLEASE Read the book "What About the Kids?" and go that route.
It's WAY too easy to justify what seems morally right to us, but in reality is is being punitive and will NOT help your kids at all coming from you especially. OMG if ANYONE tells them, it cannot be YOU...that is NOT the same as lying for him. But I could not feel more strongly about this.
If you want to discuss this again, we can, but I believe I already posted to you earlier on this as to all the reasons for my rationale and what the books and c's say about it. I urge you to re-read that post OR consult the child psych's on this.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I haven't posted to you for awhile, but I have been following your sitch. I'm sorry that you and your children are hurting right now.
I just wanted to chime in and say that I totally agree w/25, as far as telling your children about their father's affair. I've never read a book or spoken to a counselor who has supported that strategy.
Think long and hard about this -- you don't want to hurt the children anymore than they're already hurting.
Thank you everyone so far for posting. It's nice to see Davidswife again and also thanks Esox for visiting.
Esox, I fought with that decision about 2-3 weeks myself. How much truth should I tell my kids. I have talked with three psychologists about it as well because MY KIDS come first. I don't want to damage them or teach them the wrong values either.
However, reading posts here was what helped me make up my mind.
The biggest influence on my decision was when one poster advising another LBS mentioned that what we parents do NOT wish to do is to instill fear in our children. We don't want to ruin their future R's with their GF/BF/Spouses. We don't want them to think that people in their lives are going to leave them and cheat on or betray them in future.
That is what made up my mind.
I would like my children to have strong, solid, loving relationships throughout their lives. I want them to think the BEST of the people they will meet. To go into R's with a positive outlook, rather than a negative one.
I don't want to DOOM them into thinking that their loved one might someday leave them brokenhearted. I want them to think the best, that their loved one will cherish them, value them and love them unconditionally.
That is my gift to my children. (Not a gift to H to help him cover up his mistakes.)
So I have decided not to tell my kids the whole truth about their father. One day they may learn anyway, but it won't be from me and I intend to keep peace with their dad. So that they will have the strongest family foundation available for them even if H and I are still not together.
That is MY CHOICE. This choice is still within my control. I can only do what is within my own control.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I know this is biased, because I totally agree with you, but GOOD CHOICE.
I continue to pray for you, your children, and your husband. Been following, not posting, but you are in my thoughts. Working on my Master's -- working, four kids, I know you get the picture!
I just want you to know, it does get better. You will feel better. Your children will feel better. I've been there.
I promise.
Take care, my friend. You're special -- you're strong, you will prevail.
Thanks Stacy, you have always been an inspiration to me. A masters degree and four kids. All the best of luck to you. I thought about five seconds on going back to school but thought it might be too tough so I admire you for that. Good luck!
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Look into going back to school -- you're super smart and motivated. Don't rule it out. Even if I don't post, I'm following your sitch and praying. I haven't forgotten you.
I'm sorry to hear things aregoing the way they are, but you are strong and will definately come out of this a better person.
Please, when you have the time, have a look at my recent posts on Newcomers - Anticipation2. I have had some serious backslides I would like your opinion on.
Thank you PM,
Mark
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
