Oye, Chica! Why didn't you say that in your original sitch?
OMG, you're doomed!
Shmedlap is a Euro-weenie!
Oh h*ll no -- you might as well register with eHarmony today....
Jeezus F*ck!!! I just busted up laughing out loud and my kids started screaming, "what, what, let me see!" and trying to get to the computer...I can't let them know they're dad is a "Euro-weenie!"
I don't need flippin eHarmony...I've got Divorcebusting.com...LOL
Honestly, I'm not into to the whole online dating site thing. Any guy whose got anything to offer shouldn't have too much trouble finding a lady. Just sayin'.
My C had me do that exercise right after the bomb and then again recently. She was surprised at how little my answers had changed and how little the bad events actually directly involved DH. She figured that the distance from the bomb and my self-growth would have showed substantial changes in my perception. So, she asked did I mind if she talked to my mom and was surprised to find out that my perceptions had been dead on. It kind of much sucks when you realize that you had the fairy tale and Prince Charming turned into a frog.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
Well, my kids are going to be traumatized if I don't get off the computer soon so I'll do the exercise later. I will say that my friends and family pretty much see H as a braggart and a narcissist while his friends and some family (not all) see me as a high maintenance shrew. Come to think of it, it is mostly his "Euro-weenie" friends that think that about me. Some of his friends wonder how I could put up with him. Hmmm....
My shrink had me do a good exercise -- list out all the times you can remember, specific events, when you were happy. And the opposite. And review.
I have to say, I'm afraid that parsing through nearly 14 years is going to bring me down...so I'll tell you overall, we had some super fabulous times but the big elephants kept stomping in (his drive for attention vs. my drive for stability)...that's it in a nutshell. There is plenty to hold on to and hope for BUT, a good chance that the biggies will overshadow the simple sweetness that was often there. Both of us had/have major issues to deal with (him- compulsiveness, impulsiveness, narcissism and me- control, neuroticism, rage)...nice combo we were, right? Looking at my issues, I have wanted to refrain from raging in any of our communications because it hurts me to be that person.
He was provocative, liked to get a rise out of me and then held it against me that I was being a shrew. I know I made him feel like cr*p. I withheld affection, I went into self-preservation mode. I was pissed about the debt and his self indulgence and even about our both involving each other in that (I'd get tired of eating cereal for dinner while he was going for sushi so I'd go with).
AK...I soooooooooooooooooooo relate to this. You have no idea!
Immaturity? I don't know. Were they spoiled as children? Are our expectations too high? Did we not know our places? I dunno. I talk to so many women who describe the same dynamic. I just don't know.
Ha, this thread just had me in stitches. Can you believe SP???? That's some mojo...
[quote=SmileysPerson] Both of us had/have major issues to deal with (him- compulsiveness, impulsiveness, narcissism and me- control, neuroticism, rage)...nice combo we were, right? Looking at my issues, I have wanted to refrain from raging in any of our communications because it hurts me to be that person.
AK...I think we should all relate to this...and the fact that since we are here, wanting the person we MARRIED in our lives, we can and should concede that we will NOT be the person that got us here. That there are 2 sides and we can only control our side...but that it is OK to want your marriage to work. And it is OK to remember that it will not work if it is more of the same. Just sayin'....I sometimes think that we get so caught up in NOT letting them hurt us anymore...and in resenting the WAS...that we forget we are here because this is NOT what we want...we are willing to work on it... My shrink told me to look at myself every morning in the mirror and ask myself if things were to stay the way they are at this moment....how long would I be "good" for? How long would I be willing to "tread water". If we are willing, we work on US in the meantime. I don't know if I am making any sense, all i am trying to say is it is OK to think about the good things and times and have that give you more water treading time. Also, it is so much harder to remember all of the good times when things are not OVER THE MOON...but just average happy, than it is to remember the bad stuff...that stuff sticks out like a sore thumb. All the more reason to control rage and pessimism. We make the choice. I am gonna tread for awhile!!!
Oh no I didn't...no, really, I didn't send this but thinking about it...
You asked me if I could see us being friends and not lovers...hmmm...I need a long time to think about that. In the mean time, the kids are still referring to "family" time and when you come "home", the debt still needs to be dealt with, I need to take care of me and my future. Not sure about being friends, we'll see when the dust settles.
Looking back on an email you sent me in which you apologized for being such a "bastard" the last time you left, you included a Nietzsche quote- It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
So, I'm wondering, we've had sex a whole bunch of times recently, you want to be friends, we have two beautiful children together...what is it exactly that keeps you from considering honoring your commitment to be married? And, how do we explain this to the kids? Is it cuz daddy doesn't feel like it anymore? Or daddy needs to be able to have sex with other women? Or daddy just doesn't want to have to be around for the hard stuff?
You have a right to live your life. If this is what you want and this feels real to you, so be it. But, do you really feel good about yourself? You're finally "somebody," right? But whose taking care of your family at this time of such instability. You let the kids know that you were not sleeping here anymore just as you were about to leave town for long stretches of time. And then, you make sure your kids know that it is ok because you are with famous people and having a really awesome time. Must feel pretty demoralizing for them. But, maybe I'm projecting.
I honestly have given up being angry with you, just sad sometimes. Friends is a possibility. I certainly prefer amicability. I have done my time in purgatory. I have said my apologies and given you all of the love and acknowledgement I could muster. No, don't worry, I'm not breaking out the bitch personality...I am way beyond that. I like myself and guys dig me too so I'm alright with me.
I sure would have loved for you to be the man who showed these guys how to face a challenge, how to keep commitments, take care of business, put family first but hey, you tried, right? And you'll teach them other awesome things and they know you love them.
So, let's start with dealing with the real stuff when you get back. Let's give the kids some real answers and a clearer idea of what is happening, shall we?
This isn't going to be your childhood all over again. I'll never abandon these guys and honestly, if you stuck by me, I'd never abandon you. They are going to be taught that we all make our own choices and not that poor me, life happens to me stuff and definitely not "it is all the little ladies fault." Some man will teach them what true grit is. Honor, dignity, humility...I will find someone to teach them that stuff and I'll definitely teach it myself. I know you are a thousand times better than some other people you know...I know you are. I think I just hoped for too much when we committed to staying together for better or worse.
Some couples get to this very typical "misery" stage of a marriage and either 1)stay in it forever 2) truly learn from it and acquire real intimacy and passion or 3) split up and go back out to start all over. This isn't so special or unique. It is a challenge and many people just choose to run. AND, you're in a biz full of the most notoriously unfaithful, commitment phobic people on the planet. So, ya, you've put in a long time. Only thing is, we are just as valuable as you are. I don't want my kids spending their lives trying to prove their value because daddy thought everything else was so much more interesting...well, you know that routine. We aren't just the rough draft, you know, you'll iron it out for your next family? All three of us deserve better. Yep, even me.
Anyway, I'm sure I've said enough. Maybe you can just think about it. Prove to me that you ARE introspective and not sooo defensive that you've got to lash out at me for being honest. I want everything for these guys. I want everything for us too but you know, got to take care of myself and the kiddos now.
Ugh, feels like the morning after...but it was fun.
Now, back to what the heck I am actually doing with my sitch. H comes back to home/reality (one can hope on the latter) next Wednesday...game plan needed.
Letter, not sent. Need to just let him be in lala-land but I feel when he gets back, I want some real communication.
Nicole- The upside of treading for me is that it requires me to exercise emotional muscles and impulses that have gotten so weak. Do I want to live with this level of emotional challenge forever, no. But, I feel I will come out of this stronger. For some it seems like self-inflicted torture. For me it is more like, maybe giving birth. I chose to go natural both times. First time, I felt that ring of fire and pushed like a maniac and jacked myself up a bit. Second time, I actually stopped in that space, looked in the mirror, faced the feeling and came out much better.
So in this sitch taking it slow, watching the moments, learning, feeling the pain, not running away from it...as long as I don't become paralyzed or stagnate, it can be a real growing experience.
