True Love or True Fog? Changing Forums

[Silver Fox]

Yes Flicka, there's a very vibrant downtown community I'd like to be a part of. I'll miss the whippoorwill's call at night though.

Thanks so much for your wit and support. I'll post later tonight.

[happynow]

Hi Silver Fox,

Thank you for posting to me!! Stay strong in this! If you want the retirement go after if for sure. I went after the house & got it. Don't forget to go after alimony. No matter how much we want them to come back to us, we have to take care of ourselves.

(((HUGS)))

[Silver Fox]

Thanks NLT,

It took me awhile but I will indeed take care of myself. I've got to muster up some major strength now. H is panicked about money and is pushing for me to sign his retirement withdrawal form to take out $7,000 for the summer until he finds work. He's upset because I told him that the little bit of money I managed to save was not to be used for his "other" life.

I must admit that Friday, when I found out about the low appraisal, I was pretty down and I sent him a curt email:

"Appraisal - $xxx,xxx.
Have a great Memorial Day weekend.
I'm sure you have big plans."

(I know I deserve a 2x4 for this)

Here's his reply today:

I'm sorry to hear about the appraisal and for being slow to get back to you. My "big plans" amounted to taking care of a cancer stricken cat who had her second eye removed last week while (OW's name) worked and babysitting for a 10 year old boy six hours a day for the last three days.


I'm coming to town tomorrow to take care of a few things. I need to get that form from you. No matter what else happens, we need to generate enough income to survive the next three months and this is the only way I can see to do it. As far as the house goes, I have to believe that appraisal reflects the worst possible conditions that existed at the time. That can be fixed to some if not to a large extent. If the house really is that much "underwater" then it is likely eligible for the Obama money since we have not missed any payments. But that assumes you want to refinance it and wait a little while for the market to change. I again renew my offer to dedicate time over the next two months to make what repairs to the house I can in preparation for you taking ownership or putting it on the market. But I can't wait any longer to make that decision. If I am not going to use that time on the house then I have to get what job I can--and sooner rather than later. I would like to try and meet with you one more time tomorrow night if you think we can really put our heads together and make the best we can out of bad situation. If we don't go into that meeting on the 10th with some plan we can agree to already in hand it will be a repeat of last time. As bad as I feel about how little progress we have been able to make toward resolving our issues I am determined to find a way out of this. I'm again asking for your help.

Of course he had to defend himself and make sure I knew his "big plans" involved cat sitting and baby sitting. I don't have any idea who the 10 year old boy is he's referring to but he wants to make sure I know he was not living it up with the girlfriend over the weekend

There's plenty of money right now for bills and living expenses. I don't need the 7 grand HE does. And I'm really angry at how he says "I need to get that form from you. No matter what else happens, we need to generate enough income to survive the next three months and this is the only way I can see to do it."

I'm not really sure at this point how to answer his email. Suggestions anyone??

[kassie]

Sorry I haven't been posting, wanted to stop by and say hi.

See things are progressing? Can't really say much about the finances other than to be sure what you need and what is fair between you and your H. Most people aren't concerned with fair and its up to you and how you do things in life to decide here. It seems that everything is a compromise.

Retirement is a big thing that often gets overlooked as important and misunderstood as being undervalued in the present. ARe there other options for H or do you really care? If you feel that it is his problem to pay bills then put it back on him.

How are you doing otherwise? How is this affecting you? I know from reading some of your posts that you work hard. Does it help?

[Silver Fox]

What about this for my reply?

Sorry, tomorrow is not good - faculty end-of-year gathering after school. My lawyer has instructed me not to sign anything until we agree on terms. However I do agree that we should have the terms completed before June 10 and if we don't, we should postpone mediation. In the meantime, there's just enough money for the bills until the end of July.
You know that these last 2 weeks of school are stressful and long. My last day is June 4. Would you like to meet June 5 or that weekend?

Hi Kassie! Thanks for stopping by. I'm pretty much done with this sitch. They say you'll know when and I felt it a few weeks ago. I'm still stalling a bit - haven't played my hand completely on the terms because H doesn't know I'm going to ask for his retirement. That's why my L doesn't want me to sign away $7,000 yet.

[happynow]

Hi Silver Fox,

I think your reply sounds good but in my case my lawyer said not to agree to anything with your H until you talk to your lawyer. My H got pretty hateful with me, one reason he knew that I had found out about OW, he tried to hide all of that, it sounds like your H is not hiding. Something I did one night when my H cussed me out, I had a tape recorder under my shirt, he didn't know that I got him cussing me out. The next day I called my L & he called my H's L & 3 days later he came & apolozied for it but it was too late, I had already given my L the recording.

I know that is something that cannot be used in court but if it had gone to court the judge would not have liked that at all, knowing how upset my H got with me & then him finding out that I had him, he finally agreed to my terms in medation. Not willingly, I know his L was on my side also & the mediator was on my side too. They all knew he had done me wrong. It took 9 hours of mediation, that day alone cost over 9000.00, my H had to pay for it too.

Just be very careful as to what you say when you meet with your H, I know that is the hardest thing b/c my H & I were so close that for me not to say something or tell him something was unheard of. But he is not the person you M right now. I knew 6 weeks about OW before my H knew I knew. I kept it from him & he was in the same house with me, that was hard when he was telling me what all I had done, none of which made any sense & also when I asked him about OW he said "there is no one & I'm tired of you accussing me". I didn't say a word. So, you have to choose your words wisely when you speak with him & do not sign anything without your lawyers approval!

I'm so sorry you are having to go thru this!!

I'm thinking about you!!!

(((HUGS)))

By the way, we didn't have terms agreed to before our mediation.

[kassie]

I think your response is good. I was thinking about your question today and recalled that many people forget that there are many consequences to pulling retirement money out early tax wise that would be important to consider.

Sorry that it is ending this way. I kind of thought that was the case but everyone has their own timing. As many times as I felt like quitting on my M, it wasn't time yet and now things have finally turned a corner.

Let us know what you need for support.

[Flicka]

What kind of hippie are you? You prefer the sound of clinking ice and great muzak to disgruntled and lovelorn whippoorwills? I like them both. Keep your plan.

I think your H is outgunned by you. I am very pleased. I will take lessons from you. I already am. Go quiet for months and then shoot first? Oh. and straight. I am dead accurate, too.

My feral catman is furious. Unfortunatly, I am as well.

Thanks for listening... WCW does as well.

[Silver Fox]

NLT, Kassie,

Thank you for your support. You both bring up some good points. I sent my response last night and here is his reply:

I can't tell you how much I appreciate this email. I really need to focus on doing a good job on this communication training so I am happy to wait until next week. Thanks for understanding.

Odd. Not what I expected but you know what they say about expectations. Seems I DB'd him without even realizing it. He's "appreciative" and thanks me for "understanding?" I thought I was sending a stern response of no, we can't meet tonight, no, I'm not giving you that form. Where in my email was I showing any kind of understanding??

The communication training he refers to is a three hour session he's teaching about communication in the workplace. He feels it will be a foot in the door for other similar positions. Too bad it's in OW's town 200 miles away where he pretty much lives now.

That's one of the reasons I can't fight this any longer. He's "in love" with another woman and her city as well.

[Silver Fox]

Hey Flicka,

Well, I'd stay here if it weren't for the 35 minute one way commute and all. That's getting tiresome. Tiresome and lonely. And I'm a loner, but this this is too much.

H gardened himself silly when we moved here 9 years ago. He had a vegetable garden, a sunflower garden, a pumpkin patch, and an herb garden. Then he just turned it off - like a light switch. Did I mention he has ADHD?

What about your H? What's his deal?