Quote: Part of it could be he feeling what's going on that H isn't there a lot and comes and goes a lot.
not that raising children in a stable environment isn't difficult enough...
children see and are effected by more than we often realize.
part of son's misbehaviours could simply be a part of being 3 and a boy...but it could also be a result of h's comming and going as he pleases.
my son had his 3rd birthday a month after h had moved out (also had to adjust to a new baby sister) it seemed that son always acted up the day after daddy had been around...I would always find him (son) sleeping in my bed except for on the nights that daddy had fallen asleep on the couch, he stopped trying to go on the potty and was a royal pain in the butt not listening to me etc.
call me crazy but it did seem that as soon as daddy started to come home..son started acting better and no more accidents.
now this is not to say that son doesn't still have bad days..but they are few and far between now and can ususally be connected to either his being tired, not feeling well...or something just not being right with me and h.
Son has had a hard time going down this week. I think part of it is personality and just the way he is, but it drains on me that he just won't listen. I do spank him once inawhile, but it doesn't matter he just laughs. When I put him a time out for being mean or naughty he'll respond with "well it's mean putting me in a time out" or he'll want to stand in a different corner, or not stand, but sit, on and on till I just give up. I just get frustrated because if he goes to sleep late than I go to sleep late. I get up earlier than son, and it's harder getting him up..it's a vicious circle.
I think this bugs H also that his son is so independent and stubborn and talks back to him. H also thinks that I need to have more control over son which is why I brought the subject up. I should be able to talk to him about this no matter what happens. I'm not doing it to make him feel guilty because he's not here right now, but because he is his son, also.
Quote: I think this bugs H also that his son is so independent and stubborn and talks back to him. H also thinks that I need to have more control over son which is why I brought the subject up. I should be able to talk to him about this no matter what happens. I'm not doing it to make him feel guilty because he's not here right now, but because he is his son, also.
I understand that...I often didn't bother to tell h when son was acting up for just that reason...but mil and others saw and went and told h to do just that...make him feel guilty...boy needs his father...etc...kinda crap..
for a while I would put son in time out...had him sit on the bottom step..after a while, he started to just go there for fun...
they do grow up. right?
someone from this site suggested a book...I believe the title was "raising the spirited child"...it may help...
Quote: He picked up son last night. H is still on the bf kick, he will not get off the subject. I said something to him awhile back which he brought up, I was kind of surprised he did bring it up. I told him flat out that I'm still married and it wouldn't be fair to somebody. H's response "so, then you can just dump them." He also asked me what I was doing, giving up, letting him go. I said what are you doing? He said nothing, I'm not going to. Then he said he had to clean the slate by the end of the year. He was out of the fog yesterday which is the way I like to look at his mood. He's was struggling with something, also. He initated with me. I said no, he said that's what I said last time, so it doesn't matter or something like that. I had the feeling he wanted to come back, but then what do I know. And that scared me, too, thinking what if he did say he was coming back...
Quote: I had the feeling he wanted to come back, but then what do I know.
Should have said "I had the feeling he's working on coming back"
Anyone have any thoughts/insights or read between the lines on any of this?
Quote: Anyone have any thoughts/insights or read between the lines on any of this?
I never like to read to much between the lines because anything could mean anything...
perhaps he's looking for you to have a bf because then he'd feel better about what he's doing (less guilt for him)
but then it also sounds like he's a tad jelouse that you may indeed have a bf.
even though it's not nice to play games..and it certainly can't be the only thing that "wakes him up"...I'd just continue as you are doing...the mystery is enticing to him...
no point in questioning his intentions too much...when he has more of an idea of what they are..you will be among the first to know.
I do tend to listen, but not believe. Although I have been noticing subtle changes in words he uses and his actions. BTW--his words and actions have NEVER matched.
I'm feeling this new calm about the whole sitch, maybe it's that I've detached a little more in the last couple of weeks. Even while we were married I tended to be detached, didn't put all my eggs in one basket. But, I didn't learn to keep my mouth shut, to think before I spoke, to pick and choose my battles wisely, to think a little bit before I speak. Now I feel much wiser and am working on changing these ways and have a come a long way. Too also come to this board for my venting and ranting which has made a HUGE difference!!
In some ways I think he wants me to have a BF so that he can move on...who knows.
Just called me to ASK if I still wanted him to watch son tomorrow. We discussed/decided this last night....but this is H. This is what used to drive me nuts and test my patience. Had to tell him something three of four times because I always change my mind!
He then asked me if I wanted him to get son tonight and take him to OW's house. I couldn't believe he said that. In a very calm voice, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, but if you do then you have a lot of talking to do with son. I forgot to remind him that he agreed to not take him there and why would he even say that to me!!! He knows that he can take son over there once he's decided what he's staying there. OW's probably on him again about this! He was just in a ugly negative mood and trying to hurt me or get a reaction out of me. We were talking about son at one point and he said son was retarded, just like you. I said that wasn't very nice.
I think he's afraid I'll get a bf before he decides what he's doing. He thinks I'll take him back anytime or when he decides he wants to return. Well I'm afraid it might not be that easy. I don't want our old relationship, I want to build a new one.
Quote: In some ways I think he wants me to have a BF so that he can move on...
Let me throw a different slant on the "BF" thing. He is coming to grips with the fact the "new" you is here to stay. Now he is beginning to wonder why? However, he hasn't accepted these changes can be made in context of remaining in M. It has to be an outside source that has changed you, hence - the "BF" theory.
It does seem to be working at drawing his attention about being vague with "BF" inquiries, but don't how far it would get you, if he starts to think the "new" you is because of a new Bo.
What would you think H would do, if you would say something like, "I have my eye on someone, but I don't know if he would accept if I asked him over for diner." Kinda make him squirm a little bit, then invite him for diner?
Quote: He is coming to grips with the fact the "new" you is here to stay. Now he is beginning to wonder why? However, he hasn't accepted these changes can be made in context of remaining in M. It has to be an outside source that has changed you, hence - the "BF" theory.
Oh my god, I think you've got it!! I love this insight, it would have never come to me on my own. I love this BB. and it makes me feel even better about the me that I am now. I've come a long way from the day when we first met..yeah baby.
Quote: What would you think H would do, if you would say something like, "I have my eye on someone, but I don't know if he would accept if I asked him over for diner." Kinda make him squirm a little bit, then invite him for diner?
I love this idea. I am going to try this one, if for anything just to see the look on his face.
I'd be a bit leary of asking him over for dinner in such a manner...
have the two of you spent any time together in such a "dating" type manner since he moved out? other than the love making that goes on?
if I were you (and I know I am not) I would stick to getting into more of a routine of cooking for you and son and perhaps start cooking bigger meals when you know h is comming...not because you want to cook FOR him..but because you want to cook and it's more worth it if there is another adult to eat it.
a reason the set up of saying "i've got my eye on someone and wonder how he'd feel about comming over for dinner" before you let him know you would like for him to come over for dinner...makes you look a bit like a hypocrite..unless of course you were planning on sending son off somewhere else when you cook dinner for the mystery man.
I love this insight, it would have never come to me on my own. I love this BB. and it makes me feel even better about the me that I am now. I've come a long way from the day when we first met..yeah baby.
