What do you think of KAW's suggestion? It's scares the hell out of me...could be big rejection, but it would be so totally unexpected thing for me to do and it kind of intrigues me. I don't know that it would be pursuing, but it would put a little excitement into my life. Heck if I was dating someone it would make me just as nervous. Need to think on this one.
Cathy,
You need to review what turned your spouse into a WAH. What was some the things you did (or lack of) that pushed him away. This is where you target your 180's at. If he is WA because he felt you have always neglected him ... that you no longer care for him, then you need to change that perspective.
That is the basis of your marketing plan to draw him back.
I think I'll stick to the dinner as a family when he comes over for awhile.
He did also complain about not having time for him as in not visiting him at his job, bringing him lunch...that's why I didn't think of that as pursuing, just thoughtful. He does work fairly close to me and if I present it in a way that I am just being thoughtful then I wouldn't think of it as pursuing, just thoughtful.
I used to work out during my lunch hour and if he called and wanted to go to lunch or to bring him lunch I would tell him I was busy or didn't want to take the time either, I wanted to exercise, that was more important
Quote: if I present it in a way that I am just being thoughtful then I wouldn't think of it as pursuing
That's the approach, but with the end result being:
Present yourself as being thoughtful in a way he doesn't think of it as pursuing.
Like I said each sitch is different, for the point of illustrating 180's let me take my story:
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One of the major reasons CAW became a WAW was because she felt neglected, unloved and lonely.
My 180's:
- Started coming home earlier from work ... often times with a little something for her to show I was thinking of her ... ie, flowers, a card, a book or music CD she wanted, etc...
- I would ask about her day, saying I wanted to hear all about the highlights.
- Whenever she spoke I would gaze into her eyes. If started talking while I was reading, like the newspaper, I would put it down and turn towards her. If watching TV, I would "mute" it and turn towards her. If D10 tried to interupt, I ask her gently to let Mommy finish and then I listen to her, etc...
- I'd call her at work to see how she was doing, when she would tell me she was expecting a rough day.
- I started asking her out to dinner about once a week and help out or at least offer with whatever task/chore she was doing.
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Well I won't go into all of them, but you get the general idea ... CAW's perception went from he will never treat me right ... to he will move mountains for me (her words) .
First, offer to be thoughful with a smile , and if they are not receptive, then give the space with a smile .
Quote: What was some the things you did (or lack of) that pushed him away. This is where you target your 180's at. If he is WA because he felt you have always neglected him ... that you no longer care for him, then you need to change that perspective.
I neglected him, pushed him away, didn't show him enough affection, work was more important, I was emotionally shut down from him and really didn't care what he did. We are also fighting a lot and a lot of mean things were said.
I'm just overwhelmed right now with the whole situation. If you read my posts recently I go back and forth, back and forth...maybe I'm trying too hard. I think he sees the changes, but a little too late..I don't know.
H doesn't like confrontation even if he did want out of where he's currently at with OW, it's going to be really hard for to tell OW he's leaving. He's in a comfortable spot right now, but then so am I so I should just put the focus on me.
The dinner thing is my next action item not just for H but for me, also. I would like to cook more and eat out less.
H called to let me know he might not be able to see son tonight, his crane is being moved to his new job site. He said he'd try, but didn't think it would be till closer to six. I'm thinking of letting him off the hook for tonight, meaning I would see if my SIL could watch son. I have dinner plans with gf's. The reason that I would let him off is because where he's living now is closer to his new job, to come over would be a lot farther especially if it is going to be later. Maybe I'm the one more disappointed.
Thank you all for your inspiration and for putting up my mood swings.
And we just talked again, still mad at s19, doesn't care if he sees him again. Wanted to know why I didn't tell him he had come over last night, I said you didn't ask and it didn't come up when we talked earlier. Asked me if I was going to bowhunt??!! I told him twice that I wanted to, but was waiting to see if I could still go where we used to go. He said I can't stop you if you want to you already have permission, but it's really his hunting spot and he asks for permission which he hasn't done yet. It also means he'll have to put up my stand. I bought my own hunting clothes last night--I'm very excited. In the past I've used his, and he was shocked and wouldn't believe that I actually bought something. He wanted to know where--there's only one store here. He said something like since I've know you you haven't bought your own hunting clothes.. then wanted to know what I bought, recommended something else, I said I'm just getting started I can't buy it all at once.
He is coming over tonight, smiles everybody, smiles..... (Fantasy Island)
Quote: for some it's the gentle path, showing you care, being consistent, being lovable, respect, honor....compliments....thoughtful gifts....little actions that show you care....all those things........and actually, if the emotional gesture works..it has to be backed up by the consistency.
So thoughtful pursuit....not begging and pleading most likely.....may well be in order.
LL--thanks again for the link to the pursuit post. I found the above there and when I do things for H, I do them as I would for a friend, for somebody I care about-and this is what I ask myself. I don't do them for any response from him, it's to just show I care. Thoughtful pursuit is what I have been trying to do.
He picked up son last night. H is still on the bf kick, he will not get off the subject. I said something to him awhile back which he brought up, I was kind of surprised he did bring it up. I told him flat out that I'm still married and it wouldn't be fair to somebody. H's response "so, then you can just dump them." He also asked me what I was doing, giving up, letting him go. I said what are you doing? He said nothing, I'm not going to. Then he said he had to clean the slate by the end of the year. He was out of the fog yesterday which is the way I like to look at his mood. He's was struggling with something, also. He initated with me. I said no, he said that's what I said last time, so it doesn't matter or something like that. I had the feeling he wanted to come back, but then what do I know. And that scared me, too, thinking what if he did say he was coming back...
Dinner with gf's was great, oh my god we laughed soo hard...they are such good friends and basically we can say anything to each other, these are friends I met through work throughout the years and we get together every other month.
When I came back, he again said to son mama was with her bf...he wouldn't let it go. He became very quiet the rest of the time he was there, caught him staring off into space quite a few times, asked him if something was wrong..he wouldn't say. Helped s3 with his shower, s3 didn't want to go to sleep which isn't unusual, he just won't give up. H layed with him for quite awhile and then got up and said mama's going to have lay with you it's too hot in here. When he left he barely said a word and slammed the door.
I have no idea what's up with him. He is going to watch son tomorrow. When I asked him again he said, "what have you done for me lately?" and then he said oh yeah, meaning Sunday (ML). I said if you don't want to then I'll get somebody else, it's not a problem. He then said I'll watch him. I am having big time problems with s3, he doesn't listen to me, throws things, he won't do timeouts...so I asked H what I should do..take a class or something? He didn't respond and the conversation was kind of dropped because he then confront s3 about his actions. Basically I have no control over this kid and it worries me especially as he gets older. He's a determined, stubborn, no fear little boy and he's going to be like this...I really should find a bb for difficult children. Part of it could be he feeling what's going on that H isn't there a lot and comes and goes a lot.
, and if they are not receptive, then give the space with a smile 
with the whole situation. If you read my posts recently I go back and forth, back and forth...maybe I'm trying too hard. I think he sees the changes, but a little too late..I don't know. 
