Ok, XBF and I talked again yesterday, for a long time by phone. It started about the sporting equipment...for real. I need his help with something on it. This sport is very male oriented. He said he doesn't know why I am doing it and I told him he knew I was going to try it this year (it would have been with him) and so I am keeping up with my interest. He said the guys would hit on me and I said yeah, in fact one guy I met already wants to take me to here and there. The guy said he had won many tournaments. XBF said he must be second string or I'd know his name (I never told him the name). I don't think he liked the idea of this guy, which made me wonder..is he jealous?
He then told me that I said he was all b.s., which I had. And I used that opportunity to tell him why I said that...because for 4 years he told me that he stood for all the right things and what happened recently didn't fit and I don't want to deceive myself but I don't want to think of him as a lying jerk. He said no it didn't fit and he didn't want me to think like that either. He said he made a mistake in how he had erroneously thought that I didn't want to do certain things (recreational). I said that's all peripheral, important yes, but peripheral. Where was the substance?
I know we said here that guilt would drive him away and I was not trying to make him feel guilty, I'm just trying to come to terms with how do I see him now? That it hurts me to think of him as negative.
I feel that he is maybe giving his actions more thought. He said he didn't cheat on me.
He didn't say he was sorry, just that he made a mistake and that he seemed jealous about the guy I met.
Do you think he is actually starting to feel that he made a mistake and what does that mean? I had also said that maybe I had just been a "toy" to him and he said that our relationship "was" a very serious one.
