DL, Here's the most important question: Did you and your kids have a good time with each other today?
Seriously. That is what matters most right now. From your accounting, the kids had a good time with their parents and their grandparents, yeah? You seem to really get along well with your ILs, so that was pleasant for you hmmm?
Your H was acting like a jerk to you. It was deliberate. It wasn't an act of omission. You responded exactly the way that you should: you acted as if it doesn't matter. That takes nerves of steel and an determination. It sounds like you did fine.
I think you are just experiencing the roller-coaster. Your H is having both good and bad days and he is trying to take you along with him on his pitiful ride. Today was a low point, and that's all it was. His head is still foggy, so pull back for now. You have been doing so well with things lately; don't get depressed or start second-guessing yourself now. Keep your eyes on the prize and just keep telling yourself that this, too, shall pass.
You should definitely take the kids to the maple syrup festival tomorrow. That sounds like it would be fun and it will get you out of the house and spending time with the kids. Don't forget about being the rock for them right now, as they are probably scared and confused about everything that is going on, too.
I'm crossing my fingers for you.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
The kids and I had a really good time yesterday. They loved that he was there and we all were together. They were so cute when they sand their songs. I love watching that kind of stuff. My mother came over and spent the night which they love. I went out with friends later in the evening and had a really good time. It bothered me that he was acting like such a jerk, but after posting about it I let chalked it up to part of the ride and let it go. It took a lot of effort, but I was able to not obsess about how he acted and just appreciate the day for what it was.
My ILs and I get along really well. They did notice his behavior and my MIL said a little bit about it, but didn't really get into it since the kids were there. I had actually spent the earlier part of the day with his cousin and her husband which was nice. She told me that they all love me and hope that I still remain a part of the family and that they want me there. That was really nice to hear. Apparently when I was there for the family Easter H was angry that I would be there because it's not my family. His cousin told him that they were the only family I had since I moved here and left my family 9 years ago and that they want me there and hope I continue going to family functions because I am family. She also told him that he had nothing to complain about because I had my life together and he was the one who didn't. How cool is that?
DL, you are very lucky and blessed to have such classy ILs and extended family like that. They sounds like they are very supportive of you and the kids. I know how important having supportive ILs is!
It also sounds like your kids get along great with their grandparents also. Those are important relationships, too. Don't let what is happening in your world do anything to dampen the normal, happy relationships that the kids have with their GPs.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
A&K, I understand that it makes you feel like a prostitute, but I just wonder if its a good idea for you to turn the sex tap off on your H. You mentioned that you rejected him during your M, so could this be a 180? Also, Im sorry, but I couldnt find whether he was having an affair or not, if he is, then FORGET what I just said. The last thing you need right now is an STI!
But really, this man is still your H, right? I dont think that theres anything wrong with making love with your spouse. Especially if its one of the few intimate connections that you can still share. Maybe he needs to feel like he isnt part of a sex starved marriage anymore and you can use this time to prove to him that thats true.
If you really dont feel comfortable with it, then for sure dont do it, but maybe you should do some research into sex starved marriages, I think that theres actually a forum on here for it. See if thats part of what was going on in your sitch.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
The past couple of weeks haven't been too remarkable. I saw H last Tuesday and we hung out for a little bit. I'm planning on going to visit one of our friends (who happens to be a guy) at the end of June so I let him know that. He didn't really react, just said oh really and let it go. He did change having the kids on alternate weekends because he missed them too much when they weren't there. I asked him why he changed it in the first place and all he could say was he didn't know. Well, Friday I took the kids over to his house and ended up taking him to the ATM so he could get some money for me. I was texting while he was in the car and he asked me who it was. It happened to be the friend I'm going to visit and since I have nothing to hide I told him who it was. He was like, how often do you guys talk. We don't talk more than we did when he was home which is what I told him. I asked him if he was jealous and he denied it because of who it was. When we pulled into his driveway he said something like our friend knows better and if he tries anything he'll kick his ass. I was totally thrown off by that remark. Why does it matter to him if I'm talking to a friend we've had for over 10 years? He actually contacted this friend and asked him the same things. I asked him about it and he said he was just checking to see what his intentions were. What on earth is that all about? He says that he did it because of who it is and if it were any other guy he wouldn't care. I don't get that at all.
He asked me to come over today to take him to put in some applications. We had lunch and then I took him home. I don't know what led up to it, but he started a R talk. He told me that he didn't know what he wanted and that he wasn't sure if the OW was what he wanted. He said he loved me but he can't handle being around me. He doesn't know why. I told him that I cared about him as a friend and that I hated to see him wasting his life sitting in a dark house doing nothing. I told him that he wasn't doing himself any good playing video games all day long. He listened to everything I said and cried the whole time I was talking. He actually agreed with me.
Some time ago I mentioned that I would like to move to Atlanta to be with my sister and her fiancee. He asked me if I was serious and said that I should move because it was the best thing for me and the kids. He said he might follow me in a little while, but didn't elaborate. He was close to sobbing when he told me to take the kids. We talked a little more and he looked at me and said he was sorry. I asked him what he was sorry for and he said, for being me.
I have no idea what to make of this conversation. I thought I was confused before! Now I don't know what to do. If we move it would have to be in August before the kids start school. I don't know if this is progress. Before I left he came over to me and held me for a while. He hasn't done that in I don't know how long. I don't want to read too much into this or see things that aren't really there. I'm sorry that this is all over the place. That's pretty much how my thougths are at the moment. Any insight?
Hey DL! I was beginning to think that your H had come back to his senses and you weren't posting here anymore because you guys were on your surprise 2nd honeymoon or something
Look, it is very clear that your H is confused. It might be a slight parting of the fog that he is seeing things a little more clearly. He sees what he is losing. He is realizing that life with his british muse is not the be-all that he was thinking it was going to be. He may fog back up in a day or two, but for that moment, he was thinking rationally. That is a good thing!
He was also acting in a jealous, protective mode. That is also a good thing. He was/is still thinking of you as "his" woman. The thought that someone else could come in and take you away, or have their way with you had him on the defensive. His comment about 'If it were anyone else...' is an interesting one. Perhaps he knows your mutual friend better than you do? Perhaps he had made a comment about you to him in the past that may have put some jealous thoughts into your Hs head? Or maybe it was just an off-the-cuff remark. Who knows? The important thing is that he was acting to protect you.
Be prepared for your H to want to know all the details about what you did when you were there. Based on how you claim he is acting, he may just come right out and ask, or he may pry more tactfully.
As far as the comment about moving. That one sounds like he trying to punish himself. Saying that 'it is the best thing for you and the kids'; I can almost hear him say that in such a victim's tone of voice. He doesn't feel like he deserves being with you and the kids. Why else send them away? Maybe he is feeling jealous of you and the life you are building without him, or maybe he doesn't think he is a capable or worthy father. In any event, he probably doesn't *want* to lose you or the kids, but he is still very confused and foggy.
I wish there was something other than just time and space that you could give him to come to his senses. when you do talk to him, how does he sound? You mentioned that he started a R convo this time around. Is that becoming more common? Is he spending more or less time with the kids?
Something that you might try, if you think it would help, is to show him that he still has a place in your family, without resorting to asking him to come back. If you have an outing with the kids planned (bowling, trip to the park, etc.) invite him along. Phrase it like "They kids and I are going to _____ and they would love it if you would like to come with us". If he says no, then say "No problem, maybe next time." and be done with it. If he says yes, then have a nice time together with him and the kids. The more he sees that he is accepted with you and them, the less foggy and self-deprecating he will be. It would be a 180 for you, wouldn't it?
Hang in there DL! Good things are happening in your sitch right now, believe it. His emotions are still going to roller-coaster, but for the moment, there are some very positive things going on there!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
I haven't been able to get online for a little bit, my computer's been acting weird.
Things have been going along uneventfully. I've been continuing with my GAL and acting as if. I've been doing really well at detaching and he was noticing. He was paying more attention to me and commenting on how good I'm looking and acting worried that I was becoming too happy.
Last Tuesday I broke a rule and asked him about the status of him filing for a D. He told me that he hadn't done anything with it because he wasn't sure if it was the right decision and he didn't want to go into it too quickly. I didn't harp on him with questions. I just told him that I was happy that he wasn't rushing into anything and that he was thinking things through before making a decision. We saw each other on Friday when he went with me to a doctors appointment. We got along well and had lunch. I kept things light and friendly like I've been doing. Both days he gave me a long hug when I left; like he was holding me. It was really nice.
Today I took some clothes of his that I had found to him. I took him to get something to eat and then went home. I broke the rule of not initiating R talks again and texted him to ask what he thought of us. He said that he was leaning more toward a D than reconciliation because he still feels anxious when he's around me. I tried to validate him as best as I could by telling him that I understood why he might feel like that and then asked him if he's tried figuring out why that happens. He said he has tried but couldn't figure it out. He then told me that I needed to just move on and not wait for him to come out of this and realize that he's made a mistake or that he's made the right decision. I responded by telling him that as long as he can look back and know that he's tried everything and has no doubts then that's all he can do. He said he was trying but it was hard to do through the fog he's in. He said he'd file when he got enough money to. That alone could take a while because he doesn't have a job and is only getting unemployment.
Is this the end? Did I totally mess everything up by asking him and putting him on the spot to say something? I don't know what to do next. It seems very hopeless and like I'm just prolonging the inevitable. I don't want to spend the rest of my life without him, but it seems as though he's made up his mind and is content to just move forward with his new life and his new relationship. Should I do the last last resort technique and file myself? I feel like I'm back to square one.
Just when I thought that I was doing ok with it all and that I was going to survive this . . . it's like a big slap of reality and I'm right back to where I was emotionally. It feels like this pain is never going to end. It's like I'm just always going to think I'm ok and then wham! I'm a crying mess again. I just want it to stop. I am so tired of this battle that only I'm fighting. I'm so tired of being the punching bag while he does what he wants and calls all of the shots. I feel so defeated and broken . . .
Today, I relate. But, we have to take our own power back. It is hard when someone seems to rearrange our lives without our participation but now, we have to start owning it and making it something we want.
