Ok. A, I'm hormonal. B. I am seriously f'ing perturbed by H's words.
Initiate Mojolation Countdown:
Time to sit down and wrestle with the Big One, the Mother of All Self-Assessments, the $10,000 Question. And it begins this way: If H truly is that guy....
You know the rest. Your part in it. No -- I don't mean your part in the D, that self-acceptance/acknowledgment from the _DB_ book. That's a different hunk o' responsibility.
I mean your part in Who WAH Is. What a terrible thing to realize -- I picked THAT?
Well, I picked someone who definitely cared way too much what other people thought and was insecure and had something to prove. BUT, he was also attentive to me and my needs, romantic and many times, he went to great lengths to take care of his family and be present. Oh, and if he is just a starstruck loser with no character, cue the guilt for me.
Meh! You want a good male role model for the kids? Go out and get one!
Uh, I have a 9 year old boy. Maybe someday a man will come into my life who is worthy of being a presence in my sons' lives but I can't count on that nor can that be where I put my energy right now.
But you're not going to be attractive to Good Male Role Model (With Six-Pack Abs And Leading Man Good Looks, If You Don't Mind) if you're dragging old Shmedlap along with you everywhere you go.
True. Again, attracting good male role model is not my MO right now, can't be. Of course, me being the person who would attract such a person is still a good idea but I have no illusions that I will just run out and get a new dad for my kids. H is their guy and I wish he'd come back from the brink (wishing and a dime wont get me a cup of coffee, I know).
Maybe the reason you're struggling in your sleep is that two sides of your brain are locked in combat -- the romantickal loving wife "just make it better" side versus the hotsie-totsie MILFilicious "I know I can do better than that" side.
LOL, I'll take the MILF reference as a compliment. Yes, I'm struggling with those two and of course #3, H is truly fabulous, I blew it and now he is going to rub it in my face for eternity (closer to his version).
When the going got tough, ol' Shmedlap there got going, didn't he? Seems to me that, if you've been clear and honest with yourself about your role in his decision, if you've been GALing and 180'ing and he's still Shmedlap, there's really only one question: Do you believe he can stop being Shmedlap?
If I didn't believe he could stop being Shmedlap, I'd throw in the towel. I still think he is hurt and overwhelmed. He has a history of being impulsive and regretting it later (oops, maybe that's what makes him "Shmedlap." I'm thinking, he didn't get this out of his system last time, maybe he'll "get it" this time. No one can know the nuances of a partner...is my perception of him rose tinted? Not sure. I still see him as acting out.
If the answer is yes, keep working; but if the answer -- the Brutal Reality of the Stockdale Paradox, right? -- is "no," then maybe it's time to let ol' Shmedlap just keep walking?
If I didn't believe he could stop being Shmedlap, I'd throw in the towel. I still think he is hurt and overwhelmed. He has a history of being impulsive and regretting it later (oops, maybe that's what makes him "Shmedlap." I'm thinking, he didn't get this out of his system last time, maybe he'll "get it" this time. No one can know the nuances of a partner...is my perception of him rose tinted? Not sure. I still see him as acting out.
Now maybe ol' Shmedlap will come to his senses, maybe not; but La Moja will be rocking it hard! And he can lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way.
Yes, I'm struggling with those two and of course #3, H is truly fabulous, I blew it and now he is going to rub it in my face for eternity (closer to his version). 