New day...new thread...

[aliveandkicking]

OK, feeling a tiny bit better post shower.

Nicole- I highly recommend journaling. Write whatever you want. I mean you can go to town and get as dark or hostile as you want.

So, on a psychotic note, I have rock stars email address and am fantasizing about sending him an email....H would surely never talk to me again but it would be interesting.

[SmileysPerson]

I think I dream about and start devising how to just make this all better. My kids need their dad...and again, I wondered, shouldn't someone point out the suffering he is causing them?

La Moja: Pregunta para ti, por favor:

If, during his wanderings, H got run over by an 18-wheeler -- squashed like a tortoise -- in some near-forgotten exit town on the edge of the desert like Blythe or Ludlow, would this sentence still be true?

My kids need their dad.

And if that sentence were still true, would this sentence also be true?

I...start devising how to just make this all better.

Does the fact that H has not (thus far) been squashed like a tortoise near Ludlow make either of those sentences less true?

If the answer is, "no," what are you waiting for?

[aliveandkicking]

Alright. Here's the deal SP. If he is gonna be an ass who puts shallow BS before my kids' well being and self esteem, than I would rather he just get run over.

How about, IF they have a dad, they DESERVE one who will model decent male behavior.

However, this cr*p really only dominates my thinking while I sleep and I have not yet mastered the art of controlling my thoughts when I am not awake...

H just texted me. Just some reparte that I handled well.

Then he went on to how sorry he is and he doesn't want to hurt me and the boys anymore. I didn't answer.

Then, he told me he wants to come up with a way for me to take a little vacation, whatever I want. It really makes me nauseous. So placating and shallow. And, yes, it is thoughtful but does he think a weekend away will do the trick? He's so f*cking guilty. I'm blowing this conversation...what to do?

[aliveandkicking]

Holy jeezus, smokin lizards. I told him i dunno what to say (to his rambling and vacation etc).

Then he says, "Is it impossible to imagine being friends, not lovers?" (mind you this is the guy who can't keep his hand out of MY pants).

then he said sorry, weird question and that he was drinking vodka which he doesn't normally do.

I said, "your imagination is yours, and mine is mine." and that I had to run.

he said maybe he's drunk cuz he doesn't get it. and then "love always"

I came so close to whining about how it sure seems that there is another woman and that he IS hurting me...so glad I didn't!!

Also, he told me early in the convo that he was interviewed for a magazine and talked about me and how I supported him in his early days...

WTF?

[babymama]

AK...I am just throwing it out there that as I search for a "reason" for all of this pain and suffering...as I search for help and an outlet...(and I agree that there is a need to go to the extreme dark...to purge the feelings of anger)...all I find comforting is...peace. Acceptance of what is...even as I fight against it. The most powerful thing for me as of right now is to let it go to the powers that be...not give up on what I believe would be the best outcome, whatever that may be...and stop asking myself WHY???? I have been searching for an answer as to what I should do when my lease is up...hoping that it will just COME to me...the right thing to do. What is best for the kids? What is best for me? And I keep thinking that H's needs are not important. While I will continue to move forward and WILL do what is best for the girls and I...I have accepted that if I DO stay nearby, it is not because I think that it will bring my H home...it will be, in part, because I am building on and working on HELPING him continue to be the father he needs to be...for the sake of my kids and because I have realized that the inexplicable "reason" this is happening in my life is likely to make me the person I wanted to be but could not within the confines of my marriage. I WANT to be peaceful, calm, forgiving...dedicated, family oriented, and not bitter. I WAS bitter in the R. I wanted so badly to express my unconditional love for my H but was clouded by resentment for what he could not give emotionally and expected him to just GIVE me respect for being the mother of his children and for taking the lion's share of the household responsibilities...automatically although I didn't do much to nurture it. Am I taking the blame? NO. I am taking back ME...or rather figuring out the REAL ME and taking this time to be the person I want to be. I can only hope and pray that this is the repair my M needs and one day I will thank my H for giving ME the space I needed to be at peace with myself because it will be the only thing that can restore my M... How liberating.
Sorry...it may have been a tangent...but I want to tell you to STOP expecting your H to be the dad that your kids "need". Assure them that he loves them...they DO need him...no denying that...but not as he is right now. You know that.
As for cheeseless tunnels...I am GAL and have decided to do a TOTAL 180 for myself...NOT for him...and that is I have made the decision to go to church. I have never been a religious person...never raised religious...never understood it all, as there are so many religions. It is overwhelming and confusing. But it is clear to me now that people seek out faith in their time of need...and I am seeking the peace that I feel when I hand over my "power" to faith. Faith in whatever/whoever may be better suited to deal than I am. That is my new goal.
I guess I just journaled! Sorry if I hijaked your thread!!!!!!

[SmileysPerson]

If he is gonna be an ass who puts shallow BS before my kids' well being and self esteem, than I would rather he just get run over.

Initiate Mojolation Countdown:

Time to sit down and wrestle with the Big One, the Mother of All Self-Assessments, the $10,000 Question. And it begins this way: If H truly is that guy....

You know the rest. Your part in it. No -- I don't mean your part in the D, that self-acceptance/acknowledgment from the _DB_ book. That's a different hunk o' responsibility.

I mean your part in Who WAH Is. What a terrible thing to realize -- I picked THAT?

Meh! You want a good male role model for the kids? Go out and get one!

But you're not going to be attractive to Good Male Role Model (With Six-Pack Abs And Leading Man Good Looks, If You Don't Mind) if you're dragging old Shmedlap along with you everywhere you go.

Maybe the reason you're struggling in your sleep is that two sides of your brain are locked in combat -- the romantickal loving wife "just make it better" side versus the hotsie-totsie MILFilicious "I know I can do better than that" side.

When the going got tough, ol' Shmedlap there got going, didn't he? Seems to me that, if you've been clear and honest with yourself about your role in his decision, if you've been GALing and 180'ing and he's still Shmedlap, there's really only one question: Do you believe he can stop being Shmedlap?

If the answer is yes, keep working; but if the answer -- the Brutal Reality of the Stockdale Paradox, right? -- is "no," then maybe it's time to let ol' Shmedlap just keep walking?

Now maybe ol' Shmedlap will come to his senses, maybe not; but La Moja will be rocking it hard! And he can lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way.

Mojo Ignition -- Go!

[SmileysPerson]

Then he says, "Is it impossible to imagine being friends, not lovers?"

And you say, "No, not at all. Oh, wait -- were you talking about with you? Because I can't imagine either of those. Bee-yotch!"

Also, he told me early in the convo that he was interviewed for a magazine and talked about me and how I supported him in his early days...

"See, I'm not a bad guy. See? See? See how I said you were really really really really really really important to me, like, once? See?"

Barf.

[aliveandkicking]

Nicole. Yes to all that. Most of those unwanted thoughts happen prior to my waking up, not when I've got my thinking cap on.

I don't feel hijacked...glad you expressed yourself.

[aliveandkicking]

Ok. A, I'm hormonal. B. I am seriously f'ing perturbed by H's words.

Initiate Mojolation Countdown:

Time to sit down and wrestle with the Big One, the Mother of All Self-Assessments, the $10,000 Question. And it begins this way: If H truly is that guy....

You know the rest. Your part in it. No -- I don't mean your part in the D, that self-acceptance/acknowledgment from the _DB_ book. That's a different hunk o' responsibility.

I mean your part in Who WAH Is. What a terrible thing to realize -- I picked THAT?

Well, I picked someone who definitely cared way too much what other people thought and was insecure and had something to prove. BUT, he was also attentive to me and my needs, romantic and many times, he went to great lengths to take care of his family and be present. Oh, and if he is just a starstruck loser with no character, cue the guilt for me.

Meh! You want a good male role model for the kids? Go out and get one!

Uh, I have a 9 year old boy. Maybe someday a man will come into my life who is worthy of being a presence in my sons' lives but I can't count on that nor can that be where I put my energy right now.

But you're not going to be attractive to Good Male Role Model (With Six-Pack Abs And Leading Man Good Looks, If You Don't Mind) if you're dragging old Shmedlap along with you everywhere you go.

True. Again, attracting good male role model is not my MO right now, can't be. Of course, me being the person who would attract such a person is still a good idea but I have no illusions that I will just run out and get a new dad for my kids. H is their guy and I wish he'd come back from the brink (wishing and a dime wont get me a cup of coffee, I know).

Maybe the reason you're struggling in your sleep is that two sides of your brain are locked in combat -- the romantickal loving wife "just make it better" side versus the hotsie-totsie MILFilicious "I know I can do better than that" side.

LOL, I'll take the MILF reference as a compliment. Yes, I'm struggling with those two and of course #3, H is truly fabulous, I blew it and now he is going to rub it in my face for eternity (closer to his version).

When the going got tough, ol' Shmedlap there got going, didn't he? Seems to me that, if you've been clear and honest with yourself about your role in his decision, if you've been GALing and 180'ing and he's still Shmedlap, there's really only one question: Do you believe he can stop being Shmedlap?

If I didn't believe he could stop being Shmedlap, I'd throw in the towel. I still think he is hurt and overwhelmed. He has a history of being impulsive and regretting it later (oops, maybe that's what makes him "Shmedlap." I'm thinking, he didn't get this out of his system last time, maybe he'll "get it" this time. No one can know the nuances of a partner...is my perception of him rose tinted? Not sure. I still see him as acting out.

If the answer is yes, keep working; but if the answer -- the Brutal Reality of the Stockdale Paradox, right? -- is "no," then maybe it's time to let ol' Shmedlap just keep walking?

If I didn't believe he could stop being Shmedlap, I'd throw in the towel. I still think he is hurt and overwhelmed. He has a history of being impulsive and regretting it later (oops, maybe that's what makes him "Shmedlap." I'm thinking, he didn't get this out of his system last time, maybe he'll "get it" this time. No one can know the nuances of a partner...is my perception of him rose tinted? Not sure. I still see him as acting out.

Now maybe ol' Shmedlap will come to his senses, maybe not; but La Moja will be rocking it hard! And he can lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way.

I like that.

Mojo Ignition -- Go!

[aliveandkicking]

I still think there is something specific that is impeding his ability to connect with me. I mean either something he did that is unforgivable or something specific that I did or said. I have felt this for a while. Maybe OW...not sure.