Yeah, it's probably too much to ask right now- she's still foggy.
It breaks my heart- what you're going through with your daughter. Your WAW is extremely cruel to keep your child from you like that.
Even at my most evil wayward self I wasn't that selfish. I would have never taken the kids (i have two) away from their dad. Just because I didn't want to be married to him anymore didn't mean he wasn't a good father.
Yeah, it's probably too much to ask right now- she's still foggy.
It breaks my heart- what you're going through with your daughter. Your WAW is extremely cruel to keep your child from you like that.
Even at my most evil wayward self I wasn't that selfish. I would have never taken the kids (i have two) away from their dad. Just because I didn't want to be married to him anymore didn't mean he wasn't a good father.
Unbelievable.
What I really don't get is the fact that she is basically in danger of losing custody and she acts oblivious in person. She didn't bother showing up to her Psych Eval hearing, as if she has something better to do, didn't bother filing a response, and her attorney is probably having difficulty getting her to cooperate for her own best interests.
She has been scheduled for deposition, I've hit her with discovery requests and a threat to file a motion to compel if she doesn't response in a set time frame, she has to complete the Psych Eval by June 13, and right now her attorney isn't even responding to emails.
My guess is that she is living in la la BPD world right now, since this isn't fun she's going to pretend it isn't happening and start acting like she is already D'd.
She picked up D1 the other day, had her hair with new highlights, and seemed to have fixed herself up. She was acting extremely (comparatively) nice to me, possibly because she knew I was taking a trip out of town and she could see OM unencumbered.
All is right in her world as long as she gets her fix... it is like Nero fiddling while Rome burns. At least I act like I care whether I get custody or not. She just seems to take it for granted she can ignore what the judge orders and she'll get everything she wants.
I think both the judge and her attorney are getting tired of her.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
D1 was doing good this morning. She kept trying to leave the nursery and walk out in the hallway. I kept stepping in her way and she'd get frustrated and start crying. I took her into another room to play with toys, and eventually when it was time to leave I gave her to one of the workers. All of a sudden she started crying and whining after me when I left.
I saw W walking out the door. She just smiled and reciprocated "good morning" and I honestly don't know what to think at this point. She just acknowledges me - but I don't think she is really that thrilled that she's being exposed.
I think I am angry at this point... I haven't done anything to deserve the treatment I received at the hands of W/MIL. All of a sudden they want to play nice and polite, and I haven't heard a peep out of their attorney. W was living under the delusion that this would all be over in thirty days... now we are heading down to the trial and she is starting to act nicer. I'm not sure of the status of her and OM at this point - he was throwing a party yesterday but I didn't see her there and apparently she was at home with MIL.
I've been 'dark' since the end of April. It seems like she is trying various things to get my attention right now... not acknowledging me, making a fuss over the kids, acting nice and starting conversations, etc.
I just don't think I'm going to listen at this point... she has been all too happy to try and destroy me. Although I expected at some point she'd have an "Oh crap!" moment and start trying to keep me open as an option - I feel as though I deserve better and honestly there is probably too much resentment to overcome at this point.
Since I suspect she is BPD, the whole "Keep your distance a little closer." dance is frustrating and I don't really have time for that.
I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of at this point. She basically pushed me into a corner legally and I came out on top with the better hand. I'm more concerned about getting the custody I want with D1 than about my M. Quite honestly... she has nothing to offer me at this point as my W.
What would I be getting out of this relationship? What needs would she be meeting? She is just an entitled acting piece of trash at this point, and I'm better off without having to deal with the roller coaster. She has the attitude as if I would be privileged to have her back. If anything I'd be resentful and I really don't think I have the patience to work through it, nor does she seem to possess the capacity.
Quite frankly... I don't think the price I'd pay is worth it anymore. I deserve better and so do my children.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Alot of the actions of a wayward mimic those who have a personality disorder- so be careful of labeling her as that until she has her psych examination. I know it's easier to label her as BPD rather than face the fact that someone you love that much as done this to you willingly- but it could be that shes just plain wayward and that's it. No one wants to think their partner is mentally stable and still doing all of that- I get it.
Other than mental issues why would she lose custody? Just because of the affair?
She has custody right now and is withholding correct? What were your issues that led her to do that or were there any?? I'm just trying to figure out your sitch.
Alot of the actions of a wayward mimic those who have a personality disorder- so be careful of labeling her as that until she has her psych examination. I know it's easier to label her as BPD rather than face the fact that someone you love that much as done this to you willingly- but it could be that shes just plain wayward and that's it. No one wants to think their partner is mentally stable and still doing all of that- I get it.
Other than mental issues why would she lose custody? Just because of the affair?
She has custody right now and is withholding correct? What were your issues that led her to do that or were there any?? I'm just trying to figure out your sitch.
I have a lot of evidence on her prior mental history, self-mutilation, suicidal ideation, paranoia, abandonment issues, etc. that pre-date our relationship.
And yes - some of her behavior is quite similar to the situations I read about "regular" wayward behavior... except to the extreme. She isn't content with ILYBINILWY, she has to insinuate child molestation and claim physical and mental abuse in court documents and to everyone with an ear.
I think there are plenty of reasons for her to lose custody, and I'm not even including the affair. If you labeled us PARENT A and PARENT B and compared us side by side across my state's custody determination factors - I match or exceed her on every single one. She is incapable of supporting herself, much less our daughter. Her emotional state has deteriorated into the world of black and white/all or nothing.
She started withholding custody just because. No reason. Just in an effort to control me. She cut me down to like 30 minutes every other week just when I counter-filed for custody. Her lawyer cut that out - but regardless of how she feels about me and our relationship, that doesn't affect my capabilities as a father. She should know that, considering I have two children I was already raising.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
D1 was having a fun time this morning. She wanted me to hold her this morning and did the whole putting her head on my shoulder and saying "Da Da" and smiling at the daycare worker while leaning against me. W's coworkers are all lightening up to me... the situation isn't as cut and dried as she made them think - and virtually all of them should be aware of her A by now, assuming gossip travels as I believe it does.
I was very angry yesterday at W... I understand I should be angry at her behaviors, illness, and the A itself - but I find it harder and harder to have compassion for her. I am no longer reaching out to her, I've let her know already, on multiple occasions, how I've felt and she has made no move back towards the M.
Meanwhile I'm not sure what I'd say if she did. We are < 2 months from the trial, I'm not even sure if she is cooperating with her attorney at this point, and we'll know in < 2 weeks whether she shows up for her deposition. I'm pretty sure she is in denial at the moment, and the only change is going to come when she hits rock bottom - as she is well on her way to doing.
I can't have a relationship with her if she is refusing to face the reality of the situation. My list of priorities hasn't changed...
1. D1/Custody/D 2. W getting help 3. My M
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
D1 was playing with a bunch of other kids this morning. She graduates up to the next level of kids starting next week, so that will be fun. S7/S8 finish 1st and 2nd grade on Friday as well, so looking forward to the summer.
Just reflecting on things... I take a look at what it would have taken to (maybe) successfully DB my W. I do not see how I could have done things any differently and still have an ounce of integrity left.
I haven't been mean, vindictive, spiteful, and haven't tried to hurt her - although she has done each of those things to me. I think the whole "being nice" thing is a bit enabling for her, because in her mind she's doing what she wants and I'm supposed to be on board, so when I tell her "I'm waiting and hope you make the right decision" she derides that as if I'm supposed to be on standby anyway.
My oldest son referred to her as "mom" the other day, although most of the time they just call her by name. She barely asks about them, and not even a year ago was talking about adopting them.
I made up my mind early on (and it was easy) to let her follow her own path and learn what she has to learn from this. But each day wears away at you... each bit of selfishness and entitlement makes you want to gag... the lack of care and concern for my well being has been loud and clear from both W and MIL.
Reading Fit's thread has got me p.o.'d as well, because I'm seeing it in action in my own sitch. I read another book last night on BPD, and again the similarities to my own situation (including before the A) are striking and I have no doubt in my mind that W suffers from this. Combine that with an enabling MIL and you have a recipe for legal hell.
They acted like they had to get a lawyer because I was willing to work out a 50/50 agreement with W and that was "too good" for them because I needed to be "punished" and they were cackling with glee and saying things like "If you want to see your daughter you just have to get your attorney to agree with our attorney."
Now it feels almost effortless since I've laid the groundwork, the tracks are built, I've placed the locomotive on it, and W/MIL and their attorney are acting as if they are in shock. It wasn't supposed to go down like this... they were supposed to get everything they wanted. I was supposed to be bent over the judge's knee and spanked, then placed in the corner with a dunce hat writing checks to financially support W's A.
Reality is becoming more and more apparent... but instead of doing anything they seem to be moving further and further into their bubble where everything is gonna be alright and they can just pretend the legal stuff isn't happening and nothing will come of it.
It is bizarre... but not unexpected considering what I've read about BPD and my W's prior reactions to suggestions of counseling, etc. She literally will tune out anyone who says she needs help - and considering the Judge has ordered a psychological evaluation to be completed on her - she is likely tuning him out and will end up in handcuffs before she ends up being evaluated.
Sad situation...
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Their calm and confidence is almost scary. Are they really that foolish? If it was just wife, I could write it off to the BPD and general wayward's fogginess, but MIL too? Might they have some ace up their sleeve of which you're not aware??
Altho, if they did, I suspect you wouldn't be seeing the "nicey-nice" from them, and they'd be back in something that looks more like their old mode.
Their calm and confidence is almost scary. Are they really that foolish? If it was just wife, I could write it off to the BPD and general wayward's fogginess, but MIL too? Might they have some ace up their sleeve of which you're not aware??
Yes, they are that foolish. Yes, it is scary to me... but to put things in perspective their backgrounds are kind of unique. MIL lived with her own mother until she was in her 30s, and FIL handled virtually everything. After he died MIL was calling me asking if it was okay to pay bills. My preacher pointed out in an IC session that he felt their entire family was sheltered by FIL, and that MIL was basically just a hanging vine.
Instead of calm and confidence I'd describe it as shock and denial. It is the "This isn't happening lalala" mantra that they believe will get them through the D without giving up anything. They have lived their lives being sheltered and taken care of... and they were hoping for the judge to be a new surrogate father to give them what their entitlement demands.
Rude awakening time.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Altho, if they did, I suspect you wouldn't be seeing the "nicey-nice" from them, and they'd be back in something that looks more like their old mode.
They have never been in a legal situation, they just assumed that they write a check and magically the lawyer hands them what they want. The fact that all they've heard is bad news from her attorney (considering 99% of fathers would lose in my situation... but not everyone is holding as much evidence as I am) and the thought that maybe they could not get everything they ask for is foreign to them because they've been shielded from reality.
They have a limited range of coping mechanisms, and when threats/belligerence didn't get what they wanted I think they are hoping to kill me with kindness. And I think it is killing them that I am UNREADABLE during these custody exchanges.
My attorneys know every dark little secret I have - and they aren't concerned at all. I really have nothing to lose and everything to gain at this point.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
