Okay, I've been doing nothing but messing up for a while now. I'm going back to reread the LRT in DB and I'm going to try to get back on the horse. Had several R talks the past couple weeks... I really need to get a handle on my emotions.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
Just appologized for my behavior this morning, and H was completely understanding and kind about it. Mentioned maybe moving in together in August! (After I told him I was looking at apartments in a not nice neighborhood today) Fingers crossed, I think some of our R talks actually made him think about us more.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
I think things are over with THAT OW. Not sure if there's another. Always a possibility. He hasn't talked to her and has ignored her calls. He told me the last time she called and said he did not answer.
August isn't a lease ending time for either of us, just the time frame I mentioned for moving in with a roomate (who ended up deciding not to move in with me and S, which I mentioned to H). So he may be thinking that was my timeframe for wanting to move into a new place.
If he starts asking the family therapist about marriage counseling at our next session, I'll know for sure what is what.
I'm trying not to be too excited, as we've had ups like this before, but never with HIM being the one to say anything about being closer.
I think he's starting to have a change of heart, so I'm just going to let him have his space to think things through right now.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
Honey, be as low-key as you can right now. Don't react with extreme enthusiasm to his suggestion of moving in together yet. Don't assume things are resolving just yet.
I am not trying to discourage you at all. Just recognize that you saw the flutter of a butterfly. This is not a short road. Pace yourself for the marathon.
Coach is right on with the validating. Also, when you are told something you did wrong, it will be counter-intuitive, but don't defend yourself. As Coach said, I can see why what I did/said made you feel that way. If you fight them it only makes what they are choosing to do more right in their mind.
As for talking to him at the get together, might I suggest you try, "I can tell this isn't a good time right now to talk. Perhaps we can talk tomorrow about S." He was out having a good time and it only sounded like pursuing and guilt laying. YES you should be able to talk to him about S, but you have to be mindful of the timing.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Thanks Wifey. For some reason, some of these concepts are difficult for me to grasp.
I'm trying to put in the hard work.
In the meantime, I have a lot of anger over his decisions. I might decide to let some of it out here after a while. It definitely needs to be said, though maybe not to the person who it's directed at. At least not at the moment.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
I completely concur with Wifey. One of the thing covered in DR is that you have to figure out what time of day is best to talk to H about anything, even the kids. Unless S is bleeding or something is broken, you have to pick the best time to get that conversation taken care of to get the most out of it. Something I try to work on....I try to imagine him as just a friend. If this friend didn't call me back, I would be ok. I might wonder, Hmmm, hope they are ok, but otherwise assume they were busy. If this friend couldn't talk when I called I would say Ok, catch up with me later. If you can put him in that capacity, it can help--but I know it's hard. There are days when I can't. But I think I'm getting better.
A little update... Saw H today, for exchanging of funds needed to care for S. I was a little annoyed that he decided to do this at the time he knows that we have dinner and expected me to meet up with him at the bank, so my PMA wasn't all it should have been. I was fairly civil, but definitely not happy/bubbly. I had planned to veg out on the couch for the most part this evening, so the change in plans wasn't well recieved.
H told me his plans for the weekend after S invited him to see Up! on saturday. It wasn't too involved of an exchange, but it wasn't fighting or too terribly unpleasant.
So my goal for this week is to maintain a positive attitude when speaking with H and to give him one genuine compliment or statement of appriciation per day.
I'm getting the impression that whatever I'm doing is at least sort of working, that he's beginning to warm up a little, and that the August move-in was a serious consideration. Only time will tell, but that is my impression at this point.
However, in the back of my mind, I'm second guessing myself, thinking that I may not be able to trust him again, and what will happen if things do work out and I am in need of reassurances? (If you recall, for 6 months he was visiting a female friend and I still do not know the full extent of what happened when he was there)
Thanks for reading and any advice you may have to offer.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
One day at a time. Yes compliments are good. If you dwell on the possible OW right now, it's going to crush your ability to have a PMA, believe me. I speak from experience. Just take every opportunity to see him and be awesome.
