Yeah, I'm more like you, Esox. Either you're married or you're not -- you don't start making judgment calls as to how WELL the marriage is going. To me, the ring is a sign of our commitment and fidelity to each other.
Oh, and iamlost, you'll be glad to know that I purposely left the "fidelity" work out of my e-mail to her.
Yeah, I'm more like you, Esox. Either you're married or you're not -- you don't start making judgment calls as to how WELL the marriage is going. To me, the ring is a sign of our commitment and fidelity to each other.
Mrs Puppy isn't you. Will you try something? Stop using these kind of words when describing your W - script, fog, narcissistic, NPD etc. Also think about when you say - always, never, all the time, no effort etc. These words paint her into a corner in your mind. This is part of the dance that you can change. We all have issues. See her as a person, women, wife and mother. You seem to keep score alot. All the the things you do vs the no effort on her part. It stops being fun to play when you can't score any points. Frustration is a negative emotion it clouds your perspective. If you were in a SSM then two parties were starving just maybe not in the same way. Open yourself up to the possibilities and opportunities now and the future can hold. "Be the change you wish to see in this world." - Ghandi
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
My point from the quote is that you are like ESOX. You and Mrs Puppy are not alike because you are two different people.
I agree I was not to clear, kinda tired today. My middle child graduated last night then got up to help get my MIL to the airport this morning.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Right now you need to be able to fill your own love buckets.
And therein lies the rub. (ok, never say "rub" to a guy in a SSM, but you know what I mean ... ). I've been doing without my wife filling my love buckets for the better part of 20 years, and now -- while I can see that INTELLECTUALLY what you say is true -- I'm stuck in a hopeless Catch-22. Because if I assert myself, I come across as "needy" and "pursuing" and like the wounded victim. And if I DON'T, then she complains that the "distance" isn't just her, but it's me, too, and she points out how I've pulled away.
And she is NOT one that pursues when I pull back -- that "he/she who cares the least" thing NEVER worked with her.
She just called me at work (which she rarely does), and had that "nice, soft" voice. I do think she's trying, however inelegantly.
Puppy
Find the Golden Mean. Maybe you come across to her as having 2 speeds only. She may see that you are either full tilt "what is good for me is good for our marriage" ... OR ... lights off, door closed, "if you want in, knock but I'm closed." What if the air temp is more like "Being your partner is where I want to be. I'll be patient with you and myself while we work on establishing the new and healthy patterns of our new and healthy love affair." With two speeds only, she may feel like she is either 'fighting' to have her space or 'fighting' to not be alone. Search for Balance. Cheers ~
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Right now you need to be able to fill your own love buckets.
And therein lies the rub. (ok, never say "rub" to a guy in a SSM, but you know what I mean ... ). I've been doing without my wife filling my love buckets for the better part of 20 years, and now -- while I can see that INTELLECTUALLY what you say is true -- I'm stuck in a hopeless Catch-22. Because if I assert myself, I come across as "needy" and "pursuing" and like the wounded victim. And if I DON'T, then she complains that the "distance" isn't just her, but it's me, too, and she points out how I've pulled away.
And she is NOT one that pursues when I pull back -- that "he/she who cares the least" thing NEVER worked with her.
She just called me at work (which she rarely does), and had that "nice, soft" voice. I do think she's trying, however inelegantly.
Puppy
Find the Golden Mean. Maybe you come across to her as having 2 speeds only. She may see that you are either full tilt "what is good for me is good for our marriage" ... OR ... lights off, door closed, "if you want in, knock but I'm closed." What if the air temp is more like "Being your partner is where I want to be. I'll be patient with you and myself while we work on establishing the new and healthy patterns of our new and healthy love affair." With two speeds only, she may feel like she is either 'fighting' to have her space or 'fighting' to not be alone. Search for Balance. Cheers ~
As long as we are really being honest with each other, I have to confess that sometimes I do think we were premature in putting our rings back on and pretending like everything is perfect when in fact it is not. Sometimes I feel bad because I feel like once again we gave the signal to the kids that everything is fine with us. Maybe subconciously that is why I don't remember to put my rings on. I just feel like, yes, we are married and I haven't forgotten that, but I don't want to send mixed signals to the family into thinking "oh how nice they have their rings on again, everything must be peachy now between them".
So wedding rings to her are like a relationship thermometer or something? I'm sorry, but I think that's weird. And she doesn't want to send mixed signals to your kids??? How thoughtful of her. And if married people just wore them when everything was perfect, I don't think there'd be anybody wearing wedding rings!
Ok, to be positive I do think that everyone can change, look at me and how I've changed, and others here too. I do think if you're willing, I kind of hit bottom and realized what I was doing in my life wasn't working for me, and with God's help you can change. So I do think you need to be patient and allow your wife and the IC time. I do think though, I don't know about all the NPD or whatever, but she does seem immature. Karen
As long as we are really being honest with each other, I have to confess that sometimes I do think we were premature in putting our rings back on and pretending like everything is perfect when in fact it is not. Sometimes I feel bad because I feel like once again we gave the signal to the kids that everything is fine with us. Maybe subconciously that is why I don't remember to put my rings on. I just feel like, yes, we are married and I haven't forgotten that, but I don't want to send mixed signals to the family into thinking "oh how nice they have their rings on again, everything must be peachy now between them".
So wedding rings to her are like a relationship thermometer or something? I'm sorry, but I think that's weird. And she doesn't want to send mixed signals to your kids??? How thoughtful of her. And if married people just wore them when everything was perfect, I don't think there'd be anybody wearing wedding rings!
Ok, to be positive I do think that everyone can change, look at me and how I've changed, and others here too. I do think if you're willing, I kind of hit bottom and realized what I was doing in my life wasn't working for me, and with God's help you can change. So I do think you need to be patient and allow your wife and the IC time. I do think though, I don't know about all the NPD or whatever, but she does seem immature. Karen
Karen, for the record, I think she's immature too, at least sexually/relationally. But in fairness to her, I think what she's saying regarding the rings is that we've been "on again/off again" and back, no less than FOUR or FIVE TIMES, and she's got our kids and her parents looking at her (us) HORRIFIED that we might divorce. I think we BOTH feel like we've yanked some loved ones around on a chain and back, and it's embarrassing. Hell, I'm embarrassed at how many times on HERE that I've posted "we're getting back together -- no no, wait! we're divorcing!"
However, for the record, I think she's full of SH&T when she says that she "subconsciously forgot" to put her rings on. It was more the defiance/rebelliousness we talked about above, I think.
). I've been doing without my wife filling my love buckets for the better part of 20 years, and now -- while I can see that INTELLECTUALLY what you say is true -- I'm stuck in a hopeless Catch-22. Because if I assert myself, I come across as "needy" and "pursuing" and like the wounded victim. And if I DON'T, then she complains that the "distance" isn't just her, but it's me, too, and she points out how I've pulled away.