I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow - part 2

[1853dave]

Hmm, I guess my last thread got locked. Not sure why, so I'll continue on here.

I'll have to see what I last posted, but things have been going ok. Had a meeting with the DB counselor Friday, and she tells me to "keep doing what you're doing...it's working!" Things have been going pretty well, all things considered. We are still separated, but we are communicating well, and often (daily). I even 'tested the water' last week and asked her if she'd like to take a walk with me this weekend, time permitting, and maybe we can just go do something. She said she'd see...she wasn't sure what was happening this weekend. I didn't bring it up all week, but she mentioned it again last Wednesday, and again Friday, and on Saturday we arranged the time to meet (on Sunday afternoon). I took the kids to grandma's place, and came back to meet with the W. It was pouring rain (we've had rain the past few days in the afternoons) and I wouldn't have been surprised if she cancelled, or postponed...but she didn't. I showed up as expected, and we just hung out at home for 45 mins until the weather cleared - her idea! We walked up to our favorite coffee shop, and hung out and talked - not really about us (maybe a little, as it came up, but I sure wasn't going to focus on it) but just about stuff... We had a very nice visit, and we walked home afterwards, and I asked if maybe we could do this again sometime, and she said "Oh, yes..." I thanked her for doing this, and told her I had a nice time, and she said "Yeah, I did too."
Some changes I have seen, and some early goals that were met (as pointed out by the counselor) - she has definately been communicating more, and has also been less forgetful when it comes to things involving me. Also, and perhaps most important - she has definately not been avoiding me. She was doing things months ago that were 'avoiding' behaviors, but now I am better informed by her as to what and when things are happening, and we have even done a few things that were "family-ish", like going to the local "Creekfest" this weekend, with the kids friends and their parents. Even shorter visits (and longer ones) are happening more often when she is out with the kids, and other parents (sometimes school related) and I am included in many of these events. We aren't cozy-warm holding hands, of couse, but we certainly interact, and she initiates conversation, and most of all does not avoid! My counselor S tells me to keep up on my journal, look for trends, and try to put my finger on exactly WHY the changes are occuring, and what my role is in it. Specifically, no pressure, no "cornering", not doing things for her at home, just basically backing off and letting her handle her stuff (for better or for worse) and being cheerful and friendly. Probably other stuff I am not adding here...
I think I missed a week posting stuff due to the locked thread, but the trend has been that things have indeed gotten better, so I feel better, and my GAL is getting better. I even ran a 10K today (one my W and I have run many times before, but she didn't this year) and she wished me good luck, and "I hope you run fast tomorrow...!" As it turned out, I ran my personal best today with a time of 46:00 minutes! Cut my best time by over 1-1/2 minutes!
Even took D4 for a few hours today while W and D9 went to a movie - when I dropped her off at home, W offered me some lasagna, as she was heating up leftovers for dinner, and she was loading up a tupperware bowl for me. So, while I was not exactly included in the dinner plans, I was offered some of her home cooking, which was great!
I'll continue to review my goals, and keep the DR book under constant review.

Thanks to all of those who have contributed here as well.

[mnt_dreams]

Sounds like things are going pretty well with your sitch... keep taking it slow and keep up with the journal to look for trends.

Guessing you did the BB today - me too! So many people but it was excited! Glad you did it anyway w/out the W. If things go well, maybe she'll run with you again next year!

[Tundra277]

Great to hear things are going better for you. I agree with mnt...take it slow and steady (that is what I am trying to do). Thanks for you support on my situation. Also, great job on the BB. There is a 5k coming up that the kids and I are training for. Come up and join us, it is a lot of fun.

[1853dave]

As I have heard, and am learning, fast is slow, and slow is fast. I figured out a while ago that the fastest way through this thing is to take is slow. That was one of the things we (counselor and I) agreed upon.

Journalling has helped a lot - just keeping a written log of what has been happening has been real helpful to see the trends. I look back and see things that I wrote that I had almost forgotten about, even as recent as a month ago.

Anyway, not to let my guard down, and it will still take quite a while, but I'm going to keep up the db'ing.

Tundra777, where is this 5k?

[Tundra277]

It is the Joe Colton 5 and 10 K in Rollinsville / Nederland on June 13th.

I am going to struggle with the 5k, but I have a goal of the 10k for next year.

I like that, slow is fast and fast is slow. I will put that on my list of things to remeber.

Have a good day at work.

[1853dave]

OK, I've heard of the Joe Colton 5k in Rollinsville....but that's all I know about it.

I know someone in Rollinsville with kids, and someone in Ned with kids...I wonder if I know you. I heard that this couple is having trouble too, and I can't help but think.... Well, maybe not. Either way, I see you are a new poster here, so welcome, and there's a lot of good advice in this forum. If you need help, this is the place.

By the way, how'd you know I was at work...?

[1853dave]

Oh, after reading your posts again, Tundra777, I know who you are! I hope things are going ok for you. It's been a long rough road, as you know, but things are better. I hope they keep going this way... I'll fill you in next time we meet.

Good luck on your sitch. Keep on doing the DB stuff!

Maybe I will join you on that 5k...

[1853dave]

Well, it's been a few days since my last post -

Things have been going ok. Still not any change, or maybe I am not seeing it. Or afraid to acknowledge it. I took a few days off this week while my sister was in town. So, I did something with the kids every day from Friday through Wednesday. Last week was D9's last day of school - they had a pool party at the Elk's Club, and I went - it was a lot of fun. W did not avoid me, but didn't exactly stick next to me the whole time either. But, we did have a picnic with the class afterwards, and we all sat together as a family. The next Saturday was D9's dance performance (with her hip-hop / modern dance group) - which was actually pretty good, even though I don't normally like that stuff. It was really entertaining. I had D4 for the day while W and D9 attended the dress rehearsal, etc. We showed up at the performance as planned, and W had saved me a seat right next to her (!) - I thought that was big, because in the past she would nest herself in with her friends, and I would have to sit with D4 elsewhere. We did talk with each other, and had a good time. It was almost like being a family again.
I had some interaction with W as I had the girls each day thereafter - and it all seemed positive. She has been pretty cooperative, and she does call me to make sure she'll have the kids ready if I am going to pick them up. I still feel as though I have to have permission to have the girls, in a way, but she is also being more liberal with the time... Even last Friday when D9 had friends over for a sleepover, where they have pizza and movie night, I inquired if I could take D4 out for a bit. In the past she had always declined my offer, having some excuse...but this day she said 'sure', and I took D4 out for a couple of hours.
I have to admit I have been doing some pursuing behavior lately. Not much, but I have been touching her at times. Sometimes in conversation, sometimes it is a pat on the arm when I am leaving, saying goodbye. She doesn't seem to be afraid to sit by me, but I need to be careful to cut that out. The other day we were sitting together and I commented on how tan she was, and asked if she was using sunscreen (we're pretty outdoorsy and in the sun a lot). I touched her forearm as I was asking her and she replied in a normal way, but as she did, she suddenly got up to get a drink of water. I realized I had touched her and before I left a few minutes later I apologized...that I realize I touch her sometimes, and it is natural to me and I am trying to stop. She said, "Oh, you're just a "touchy" person - well no, not like that kind of 'touchy'..." She laughed as she said this. She was very pleasant about it, and seemed to downplay it, as though she didn't really want to hurt my feelings.
So, I am now several days into having not touched her - at all - and we'll see if that changes anything. What a stupid game to have to play, it seems. Sorry, but even something as a casual touch is something I have to really monitor now.
I guess I should spend some time and take stock. She seems to be avoiding me less. She does communicate somewhat better. We have actually have a few occasions where we did stuff like a family, even if it seemed incidental to me. She did go on a date of sorts a couple of weeks ago with me (the walk to the coffee shop).
I've just started my 8th month of separation. It still sucks, but it sucks just a bit less. The court's D date is set for the second week of October. I'm afraid my time is running out. I really hope that she changes her thinking in the next 3 months... She has not mentioned it in a while, even though she does occasionally drop a comment which seems to indicate that I will be still on my own next year, or about dividing up property, and that sort of stuff (although it has been a few weeks since the last comment).
I think maybe taking stock, really picking out what seems to be working, and keep doing what works, is what I need to focus on.

Any thoughts from the experts out there?

[1853dave]

OK, this is kinda long...

I had a pretty good weekend...but potentially screwed up yesterday...
W calls me Sat morning (as expected) to see when I wanted to pick up the kids. She mentions that D9 didn't want to spend the night at my place that night. I expressed my dismay at this, and a conversation ensued. We spoke of how I was supposed to be getting 3 overnights a week by now, yet it's been about 3 a month. I told her I'm wasting money on renting a place with an extra room because it goes largely unused. Also told W that the day will come, if she continues down this path, where D9 and D4 will not have any say whether they stay at one place or not - if it is in the agreement, that's how it's going to be. Also told her I don't want it to be this way, and that she's the one who wants all of this (to which she told me to stop telling her that she's the only one who wants this) and that's just the way it is going to be. I sure don't like the arrangement. She said she'd call the counselor to discuss parenting times (she has said this many times over the months, but has never acted on this...). I suspect she won't call the counselor (but if she does, it is our DB counselor, FWIW). If she does arrange a meeting, maybe something good will come of it, I don't know. My thought is that if she doesn't take that step, it is one step that is not closer to the D.
So, I decided I'd be smart to cool my jets (I don't believe I was sounding angry, but the conv was a little tense and somewhat uncomfortable). So, somehow I (we) calmed the conversation, and ended on some agreeable and calm note. And, I agreed to pick up the kids at noon. OK so far.
So, about 2 hrs later, W calls me from the condo pool, and wondered if I was willing to take D9's friends home when I come to pick up D9 and D4 for the day at noon. (D9's twin friends P & M had a sleepover, and they were all now at the pool.) I told her "Sure - be glad to." - the conv was nice and friendly, as usual. I hung up with her and thought it odd that she'd call about that. P & M live only a few blocks away, and either W could walk or drive them herself, or their mom could retrieve them. But, I have taken them home before - it's no problem, as they live so close - she could have just asked me when I showed up as planned. I wonder if she was touching base with me for some reason - after our last conversation. I know, some of you are thinking "Stop worrying about what you believe SHE thinks..." I am getting SLOWLY better at detaching, and not thinking that way, but still it struck me as a bit odd.
OK, so I pick up the kids at noon - things going friendly as usual, and the kids go out to the car, and I stay behind to talk to the W for a minute. I brought up the conv again, and mentioned that I didn't want her to feel pressured by me, and that I like that we have been able to discuss some things on our own and I also liked the cooperation that we have enjoyed. I mentioned something about the finances, and how I was concerned about how we are each going to make it once we are financially split. Things have changed, I told her, and we will need to revamp the entire financial agreement. She said something like, "So, do you expect me to quit school and just get a full time job?" and I told her that I want to see her succeed in school (nursing degree) but why should I financially support a woman to go to school, who has no ties to me anymore, any more than I would send any other woman in town to school. She told me that she's working on it, she can get loans, etc. I mentioned that I didn't know how she expects to maintain a house without an income, and that I need to financially protect myself and the kids. She took that to mean that I was intending to try to get the kids 100% custody, and I assured her I do NOT want that, but I might expect 50-50, or something close to that. I also told her with my full time job I do not want to have to get a 2nd job just to make ends meet. In other words, I do NOT intend to support two households all by myself. She said she's working on things, income-wise...but couldn't tell me more than that. I could feel that this was an uneasy subject for her. By then I realized that I had not been acting "as if" and I was starting to let my emotions and needs get the best of me. If I was going to salvage this conv (or the entire day), I needed to end it on a good note somehow.
I told her that I could tell this was uncomfortable for her, and it was for me also, and that I didn't start out intending to discuss this, and I apologized for making her uncomfortable. She said it was ok. I told her that I felt things had been calmer between us, and I really want to keep it there, and she agreed. As I proceeded to leave (the kids by now were waiting in the car) I told her goodbye, and we'd call each other later in the afternoon. I reached out and gave her a one-armed hug, which she returned, with a pat on my back. She actually returned my hug - wow - and patted my back. That's probably the most affection I had gotten from her in over 7 months.
For what it's worth, we used to NEVER end tense conversations like this. This has been a 180 for me, and is probably one reason why she doesn't seem to avoid me anymore. We almost always end on a pretty good note.
I had the kids for a few hours and by then they wanted to go to a friend's pool - so we called W and told her we'd like to come by and get the swimsuits. We stopped by, and she had them out and ready to go, towels and all. The kids were chatty with Mom, and she was kind and talkative to me, and we hung out for maybe 15 minutes just "hanging out" together (kind of like a family again). W seemed happy we stopped by, and the interaction was pleasant. We then left for my friend's house to swim, and had a great afternoon. Later, picked up P & M again (!) as they decided to have yet another sleepover with D9 Sat night as well (since they are leaving town for 2 months to spend the summer with their dad in Iowa - yes, their parents are divorced...)
The evening dropoff was uneventful, and she told me she'd call me in the morning as I'd have the kids for the day on Sunday as well. So, I left, feeling like things didn't go too bad today, all things considered.
Went home and did more reading in DR - which is pretty much a nightly routine for me. I'll have it memorized before long.

[1853dave]

Sunday - went ok. W called me this morning while I was out on a bike ride (keeping up on the GAL and exercise routine - BTW started training for another marathon) - so I wasn't available to answer the phone. Called her back later, and she answered with her patented friendly and warm "Hi!". I love hearing that, as it is the very same "hi" she gave me back when things were good with us. Sometimes when she call me she says, "Hi, it's me..." and I say "Hi, me!" and she has this cute giggle that follows my response...
Anyway, she said one of D9's friends woke up sick this morning, so her mom came by and took her home from the sleepover early. So, I offered that I'd take D9's other friend for part of the day to hang out with us while her sister stayed home sick. This ended up working out pretty well - D9 had a friend for most of the day, D4 was happy with this, and we all had a pretty good day.
We visited Grandma later in the day (my W's mom) and had dinner with her (ordered a pizza - simple). W called while we were there - she sounded ok but maybe tired...I could tell she missed the kids. I offered for them to talk to her, which they did. I pretty much always do that, and I know she likes that. I told her I'd try to have them home by 8pm - we ended up running a bit late (by the time the pizza arrived, etc...). Got home around 8:20pm, and she was ok with it. I told her I'd try to plan things better next time, as I didn't intend to be so late, and she downplayed it, saying that they could sleep in in the morning since school is out.
I didn't stay more than a few minutes, kissed the kids and dog goodbye, and they (kids) said they'd call me tomorrow, because we didn't make plans for me to see them yet this week. Hopefully I see them Tuesday. W and I kind of make the schedule week to week - that way things stay flexible, and is probably most convenient for both of us. I think W prefers this too. She probably knows that if we hammer out child visitation days in stone, that it will be less convenient and enjoyable for the both of us. While it might virtually guarantee having the kids on certain days/times, it will also be limiting as well. Hopefully, things never get to that point.
Overall, the weekend went ok. Potential backslide on Saturday with the conversation about kid days and finances... Since she doesn't bring these things up herself, maybe I'd be smart not to do that either. This keeps things friendly and comfortable between us, and things just seem to feel better between us when we avoid these discussion.
Another thing I seem to notice lately - that when we have an uncomfortable conversation, we both tend to want to put it behind us and "not go there" so to speak. I think she is enjoying the peace between us as much as I am. I have been a little surprised at times lately at how quickly she is able to rebound after a tense discussion as long as I am willing to drop it myself. We both kind of pick up and go on as though nothing even happened. I'll take this as a good sign - I wonder how common this is with other WAWs... I hope this shows some promise.
One thing is for sure - we handle conflict MUCH better than we ever did before. No doubt about that. I suspect she feels the same.