BTW- When H left he told me, "I tested you, that one time and you didn't do x and that was it." And then it was something else I said or didn't do. There were like 15 final straws and they still keep coming. NO, too simplistic. Definitely clues into what they want but you are not a frickin' dog that needs to be jumping through hoops and passing her little "tests." IMO. It is especially cruel when it is after the fact. AND, perhaps she knows a little too well how invested you are in getting her back. Some people will work that for their own ego gratification.
You don't want a relationship that is that precarious, do you?
Probably not though. I mean can you really say a marriage hinged on the fact that I went to bed.
I don't think it hinged on going to bed. It hinged on you saying you are as important and valuable in the relationship as she is.
A relationship of equals. If she is seriously wanting a way to return and work on your R then the trick is to make sure she understands why you felt the need not to stay up.
I wish I could go back through my 16 years and fix everytime that my wife thought I could read her mind and everytime I thought I was but was wrong.
I think your trick is to make sure you aren't trying to read her mind. That's pretty hard. Hope it all goes well.
Thanks Kenn. What an all over the place weekend I just had. At one point as I was leaving the house on Friday, my wife asked me if I thought we were doing the right thing by getting divorced. She caught me so off guard all I could say was "I don't think I should answer that right now." Then she said "It's ok if you think that we should." She made plans to stay at the house last night (my night at the house) and to sleep in the guest bedroom. Then I got torpedoed. My mother went to pick up my daughter when I wasn't there, and took it upon herself to have a talk with my w. This despite the fact that I had asked her not to have anything but purely superficial interactions. She pointed out all the changes I had made, asked my wife if she had noticed them, and then basically asked my wife if she was sure and if she would re-consider. Long story short my wife reacted as if I had done all these things. She took a big step backward, cancelled the plans to stay over, and basically solidified all the objections whe had to me. Anyone else have this problem of having work destroyed by surrogate? Very frustrating.
Assuming that my mother's intereference didn't destroy all the progress I had made, I get the feeling my w wants to air things out. My gut tells me some time in the next 2 weeks or so, she is going to ask me again, "Are we doing the right thing by getting divorced?" Here is my planned response. Any critiques appreciated:
"No I don't think we are doing the right thing by getting divorced. I recognize that our old marriage is over. We will not and should not go back to the way that we were. But we love each other deeply, and we have a family together, and I think we need to fight for each other. We need to work to create a new marriage with new ways of loving and working together. It won't be easy, but I know it will be worth it. But I can't do it alone. I can only do it with you."
Questions:
Is the reference to family too much of a guilt element (i.e. don't destroy the kids)?
Is it too definitive a statement? Do I need to draw her out more with questions first? ("what do you think? "Are you having second thoughts?")
What should I be worried about at what I assume will be the pivotal moment?
Not much interaction with the w. this weekend. I was out partying last week and over the weekend. Evidently I am too old to hit it that hard as I am still recovering.
Things are pretty much status quo with her. I get the feeling things might be falling apart with the om, but I don't really think that matters much one way or another.
I am debating leaving her a note, telling her that I love her and that I would like to develop a new marriage together.
I realize that this sounds like pursuit, but I think that she we have gone through a lot of stages. She opened the door with that "are we doing the right thing by getting divorced?" question. And I shut it down, so I imagine she is hesitant to bring it back up. The house is starting to draw buying activity and the divorce is schedule to go to court in early July, so I feel like I need to take a shot at some point. Am I crazy?
When she asks if you guys are doing the right thing getting the divorce do not give your opinion and try to talk her out of it. Ask her what she thinks. Tell her you want her happy and you want to be friends. Be a great listener, smile and be nice!!! Be someone she will regret leaving.
Do not pursue!!!! Has it done any good? Doesn't she already know you would like to stay together??? What you want is HER her to want to stay together. That needs to be her choice. She needs to convince herself!!! If you try to convince her it will only make her think it's your idea and not hers.... and she will be more likely to keep the D going.
At this time just be a great listener and validate the things she is saying. Do not try to convince her in any way of anything. Just smile and listen, and if she's saying you both will be happier after the divorce, blah blah blah, and you know she's wrong. Don't argue, just say "I hear what you are saying...."
You may not be able to change her mind at this point since time is flying... but make sure you are the kind of guy she will look back and HUGELY regret leaving. Be an amazing friend....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
