Yuck. Today was kind of a lame day. I found a little peice of a picture of H that I had torn out of my scrap book, just his face. It was in the middle of my garage floor. Kind of bizarre really. I am really missing him lately. Trying to just keep going. With life, work, etc.
I think that my main worry right now is money. I would feel so much better if I could pay my bills! I sometimes wonder if I miss him as much as I miss the security of my old life. I am ready to make that security happen for myself, but I dont have to means to do so. I cant use my skills to do much more than I am already. I am applying for jobs, but I have applied for more jobs in the last year and been denied than ever before! Its frustrating, H isnt going to keep paying the mortgage forever, and I am tired of losing the things I love (ie: my home) because of what hes done.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I truly believe you'll get the right job for you when it comes open. I applied for months to about 60 or so jobs I think--all of a sudden I got 2 interviews in about a week and then got the 2nd job, which has wonderful people (everyone tells me the nicest office to work for and it really seems true.) I always tend to worry about stuff, but I've found that the past couple years, things just seem to work out. Of course a lot b/c of family, friends, church, and prayer, etc. but still they just work out. I know they will for you too. Oh, I had to give up my house too, and now I'm in a better house on 3 acres instead of a little tiny yard and the fresh start has kind of been a good thing for me. ((((((br))))))
Hey Karen, I saw that you got a job, Congratulations! I have decided that I am just going to start working on the certifications that the employers look for for these "Slope Jobs" and make myself a good candidate.
I need to do two trainings, one only costs 200 and takes 1 day. The other takes 3 days. But heres the thing, the one job I applied for pays $38 an hour! So, these initial investments are totally worthwhile. The downside is that you go to the field camp up on the oil fields for usually 2 weeks on, 2 off. oh yeah, and no booze! Kind of a drag, but I have never seen the North Slope, so Im sort of into it. Maybe Ill see a polar bear!
Today was H's B-day. And I figured out why Ive been feeling so strange, I think that its because in a few days it will have been a year since he left. What a bummer! He did this terrible thing, which he was convinced would fix his entire rotten, broken life, and now nobody is happy (Except me, most of the time!). He really did just ruin everything for everyone.
Last edited by bluerain; 05/21/0905:51 PM.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Thanks br!!! The trainings sound like a good idea. And new jobs will give you a fresh start too. Your job sounds very exciting anyway! And polar bears--how cool if you see one!!!
Sorry about the "anniversary". Those are hard, plus holidays too. For me, I've kind of changed up stuff so I'm doing new things/new traditions on those days. Last Thanksgiving was my first holiday without the kids and I spent most of the day volunteering at the poor/homeless in town giving out Thanksgiving dinner. I had some sad moments, but oddly enough it was one of the best holidays I've had. It makes you grateful for what you do have. I plan to do that every year, and this year I can bring the kids too! Karen
Ah, it hit 68 today. I hope that everyone had a great memorial day. Im just getting ready to have a neighbor and her boys over for s'mores. I told H he was invited, we have been doing this kind of thing for a while, he invites me over, I invite him over, its just silly because we live on oposite sides of the country.
I wish that I had some idea of where all this was going. We talk, well, text, almost every day, say goodnight, and good morning, tell each other how our days were. I just dont know if Im just a good friend or what... I try to not read too much into it, but I almost cant help myself but to start to get hopeful I guess.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
How long are you and H going to be living so far away from each other? Is there a plan to move closer to each other at some point? I can see how learning to communicate and be friends from a distance is safe for a while, but eventually more personal interaction is going to be needed.
Future, he is on a temporary duty assignment until August. At that point he has to decide if he will continue to be in the military, in that case he will try to come back to Ak, or get out, in which case he will also come back to Ak. Im not sure why he wants to come back, if its to be close to me, or just because he loves it here.
I told him about my cookout last night and he said that he misses those kinds of nights. I replied that I had been missing a lot of things lately and he said that he had too. Thats as far as that went, I moved onto another topic of conversation quickly so things didnt get uncomfortable.
Im going at this as steps towards our reconciliation, Im not sure what his take on it is. Maybe getting a friendship going with me will help him assuage his conscience for the awful things hes done. Im not sure. When he says things about how much he misses us, and how hes been so sad I just cant understand why he thinks that hes still making the right choices. I used to try to assure him that things would be ok, and whatnot, now I just let him say them. Ive told him how I feel, so he knows. Repeating it hasnt helped so far.
I really think that he cant forgive himself for whats happened. So he would be the one who couldnt move on. Its tragic, but thats one of my biggest fears in all of this.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Try not to be scared. I used to live my live based around my fears, and I'm so happy I try not to do that anymore. I suspect your H will be back in your life, but if not, you'll find another wonderful path. And in Alaska! That's so cool. Did I ever tell you I had a secret fantasy of moving there, but it's probably way to cold for someone from Florida!!! Karen
