AK...I am just throwing it out there that as I search for a "reason" for all of this pain and suffering...as I search for help and an outlet...(and I agree that there is a need to go to the extreme dark...to purge the feelings of anger)...all I find comforting is...peace. Acceptance of what is...even as I fight against it. The most powerful thing for me as of right now is to let it go to the powers that be...not give up on what I believe would be the best outcome, whatever that may be...and stop asking myself WHY???? I have been searching for an answer as to what I should do when my lease is up...hoping that it will just COME to me...the right thing to do. What is best for the kids? What is best for me? And I keep thinking that H's needs are not important. While I will continue to move forward and WILL do what is best for the girls and I...I have accepted that if I DO stay nearby, it is not because I think that it will bring my H home...it will be, in part, because I am building on and working on HELPING him continue to be the father he needs to be...for the sake of my kids and because I have realized that the inexplicable "reason" this is happening in my life is likely to make me the person I wanted to be but could not within the confines of my marriage. I WANT to be peaceful, calm, forgiving...dedicated, family oriented, and not bitter. I WAS bitter in the R. I wanted so badly to express my unconditional love for my H but was clouded by resentment for what he could not give emotionally and expected him to just GIVE me respect for being the mother of his children and for taking the lion's share of the household responsibilities...automatically although I didn't do much to nurture it. Am I taking the blame? NO. I am taking back ME...or rather figuring out the REAL ME and taking this time to be the person I want to be. I can only hope and pray that this is the repair my M needs and one day I will thank my H for giving ME the space I needed to be at peace with myself because it will be the only thing that can restore my M... How liberating. Sorry...it may have been a tangent...but I want to tell you to STOP expecting your H to be the dad that your kids "need". Assure them that he loves them...they DO need him...no denying that...but not as he is right now. You know that. As for cheeseless tunnels...I am GAL and have decided to do a TOTAL 180 for myself...NOT for him...and that is I have made the decision to go to church. I have never been a religious person...never raised religious...never understood it all, as there are so many religions. It is overwhelming and confusing. But it is clear to me now that people seek out faith in their time of need...and I am seeking the peace that I feel when I hand over my "power" to faith. Faith in whatever/whoever may be better suited to deal than I am. That is my new goal. I guess I just journaled! Sorry if I hijaked your thread!!!!!!
