Another newcomer - already finding help

[JKL2009]

I'll continue to observe and at some point might try and collect hard evidence.

Yesterday was a decent day - spent it at the park with W and S. We chatted a bit last night about random stuff. She admitted some days were really hard, and she had a really bad day the other day and needed to just have fun Friday night.

Not sure where in the WAW script book this stuff sits, but when she talks to me and tells me some days she is conflicted and has hard days, I take it as a good sign. I just try and listen and validate, not going into things too much or too deep.

One day at a time...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Not sure where in the WAW script book this stuff sits, but when she talks to me and tells me some days she is conflicted and has hard days, I take it as a good sign. I just try and listen and validate, not going into things too much or too deep.

It's basically part of the self-absorption script. To someone in an affair, it is all about them and their feelings, and she's saying to you "This isn't all fun you know! This is HARD on me!" Awful, I know.

It's really not about you.

Puppy

[JKL2009]

So just nod my head and say "I understand?"

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Try something like "I agree -- this is hard on everybody," or "I agree -- this is hard on the whole family."

[SmileysPerson]

The thing that causes me the most anxiety these days are people in her life pushing/support her. They here story, and just keep the momentum moving for her. I know I can't control it so I shouldn't think about it, but are there any DB skills on dealing with friends/sister/etc encouraging WAW?

This is a real problem that came up in my sitch, too; in the Divorce Remedy book there's a discussion about the dangers inherent in talking out-of-school -- and they're exactly what you're seeing here: it creates momentum.

And yeah -- everyone on "your" side is going to validate and approve of you and everyone on "her" side is going to do the same. No real cure for it. Validation isn't criticism; few of us turn to our friends for "real" assessments -- one of the great values of the DB boards.

Don't assume, though, that "her" team actually approves. What I've observed in my sitch is that a number of my WAW's friends are "supporting" her. But they're also mothers. And I've heard from a half-dozen women who know us as a couple, know our children, and know WAW -- and, importantly, who like WAW -- say they "just don't get" how she can walk-away from her children. It sort of tarnishes the tribe, so to speak.

So it's not necessarily the case that your WAW's friends are "encouraging" her so much as just saying, "there, there."

[JKL2009]

Yesterday was another one of those head scratchers. Most of the day was normal and routine. The real story starts when we went to a neighbor’s house for their daughter’s 1st birthday party. Neighbors do not now of SIT and so we go sort of doing the “pretending all is well” thing.

The afternoon/evening went normal, enjoying the party as they always throw a good one. We all are enjoying some drinks, the S is having fun and being a good boy. At some point, there were two chairs and I was sitting in one and WAW was next to me in the other. S can in and said he wanted to sit down, but not in our laps. WAW said he could have her chair and she would sit in Daddy’s lap, which she did! WTF? Man, I miss the days when she would do that, and now she does it...

So the rest of the evening was fun, we even got into a squirt gun fight and WAW got into it with me and S. It was a good time. We went home, got S to bed, and just watched some TV to wind down the night. WAW went to bed and I watched a bit of TV and followed 10-15 min. later.

I lay down in bed, and I realize she is crying/sobbing. I sat up and sort of put my hand on her shoulder and said something to the effect of “this is all hard on us all.” She sat up and just really started sobbing uncontrollably. I just put my arm around her and really didn’t say anything. After a few min. she settled down and feel back asleep.

I guess I am wondering if I am seeing signs of a slight turn. She had built this plan and put into motion her “walk away.” Now 6 weeks after she dropped this on me, and she has seen me act/react in unexpected ways, I wonder if she is starting to doubt and feel guilty. This week in particular I have seen some hints of this as I have posted here.

So what do I do? Do I talk about last night at all today? Take this as a chance to open dialogue or just not even bring it up? Or should I just keep doing what I am doing and wait for her to bring things up? (I think that is the right plan.)

I hope this is a sign of things working, but maybe not. Again, tough to read into the mind of a WAW (or anyone) and try to figure it all out.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

JKL,

Continue to do it as you did it last night -- you handled it well. Don't rescue (had you heard her behind a closed door, for example, I would have encouraged you to let her sob for 15-30 minutes, and then go in and do what you did and say what you said), but do show compassion.

It's a really fine line, and a difficult dance, but you're handling it well.

That's the good news. The bad news is, her sitting on your lap was likely all for show, and her sobbing -- at least for now -- is likely about HER, and not you. I've always said there are stages of remorse, and they progress from:

1. I'm sorry I got caught.
2. I'm sorry this is hurting ME
3. I'm sorry this is hurting OUR FAMILY
4. I'm sorry this is hurting YOU
5. I'm ready to own my part of this, and do the hard work necessary to see why I did this, and take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I suspect that your wife is somewhere between Stage 2 and Stage 3 (your son's birthday party may have been the catalyst for taking her from Stage 2 to Stage 3).

Now, caveat: This is all MY theory, and I don't have any research to back it up. But I suspect that if you researched interpersonal behavior in general, you'd see some sort of similar progression.

Don't smother her today. In fact, create a little distance if you can. But maybe some some nice AOS at the end of the day to remind her of your loving presence (I used to like to cover up my wife with a blanket after she'd fall asleep on the couch, and softly kiss her forehead). But let her come to you if she wants to talk, and if she DOES, keep up with the morally-neutral validating of "this is hard on all of us." Draw a boundary and do NOT let her say anything to you like "I miss OM" or "you ruined my fun" or anything else that insults your integrity.

Strength and honor.

Puppy

[JKL2009]

Hard to say, but I think the emotion I saw was focused on the doubt WAW has now on her decision to leave me combined with the pain she has felt for a long time when I was ignoring her hurt and not giving her the attention she should have.

I tried to keep some distance yesterday, which I think I did and I think I saw some reaction. At the end of the day after S went to bed we watched some TV and she said her feet hurt. I knew where this was going... so she put her feet in my lap for me to give her a foot rub. I did, she liked it. What can you do?

This week is going to be all about that space. I also need to really get some distance this coming weekend; we spend too much time together and I need to put that detachment into play more.

[JKL2009]

I don't know about others, but Monday is the worst of the week. I also seems to be super down on Monday, and I have a real hard time remembering my goals and strategy. I just am so down and sad right now, not sure exactly why.

[Coach]

I don't know about others, but Monday is the worst of the week. I also seems to be super down on Monday, and I have a real hard time remembering my goals and strategy. I just am so down and sad right now, not sure exactly why.

Lucky for you today is Tuesday!

How to kill the blues:
Make a list of what you are grateful for.
Exercise
Do something for someone else
pray
play with a dog
ask other people how they are doing
renew a old hobby