First Piecing Thread

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The reason why she isn't meeting all of your needs, going to a counselor, Retrouvaille, etc. is that she would have to lose a lot of control.

I agree with this, WDID. But I also think that she isn't for another reason:

She hasn't had to.

Puppy

[whatdidido]

Yeah, I agree with that, too.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Never underestimate the fact that under all the intellectual and emotional facades of complexity that we put up, we humans are basically, at our core, path-of-least-resistance creatures.

[Hope4us]

WDID, Pup, Thanks for posting.

Weekend was good. We went out both Sat and Sun. Worked in the yard most of the day Sat. Watched the Indy 500 Sun. Sat in the sun on Monday and later grilled out.

I saw a number of things this weekend that really make me think W is figuring it out. I know I've said this before, but here's a couple of examples. You guys can tell me if I'm just in denial.

Saturday evening we were sitting at the bar/grill near our house, having a pretty good time. There had been quite a bit of sexual joking going back and forth during the day. While we were sitting at the bar, there was a good amount of body contact. At one point W was counting something on her fingers. Like 3 or 4 of something. I asked her what she was counting and she got this sly grin on her face and said "nothing". I let it go, but W is having her monthly fun right now and in 3 or 4 days it should end. Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not.

Yesterday I was grilling dinner and also running inside to fix the rice and also a pasta salad I was making for us to have this week. The pasta salad recipe makes a ton so you can eat on it for a week. Anyway, in the middle of all that I took care of feeding the dogs and while I was downstairs I put in a load of my FR clothing for work. All the food came together and we were just beginning to eat and the washing machine started beeping. W literally ran downstairs to put the FR's in the dryer for me. And when they were done, she folded them and brought them upstairs. I was headed upstairs to watch some basketball and W said in a really excited voice "I folded your FR's and they're on the bench by the stairs". I told her I really appreciated her doing that.

She continues to make all kinds of comments about the future (as in US). She seems like she's trying to be transparent with me. I really do believe she's trying in her own way.

But it's just not in the ways I need. I know, I know, I need to tell her that. And I will when the time is right.

And it's funny, because Sunday I was really in a pissy mood. Not AT her. Just with her and the sitch. So I really wasn't saying much to her. And boy oh boy, was she trying. Talking to me like crazy. Like I said, we were both sitting on the deck in the sun. She was laying out and I was sitting near by in a chair. And I had my back to her most of the day because I was watching the birds fly around our neighborhood (it's a bird watcher thing....). Periodically she'd get up and sit in a chair at the other end of the table to smoke. I kept my back to her. Towards the end of the afternoon, she got up to smoke, sat down at the other end, got up and sat in the chair next to me so she'd be in my sight. I spun my chair a little so I was looking away from her again and she got up and moved to the chair on the other side of the table so she'd be in my sight again.

I sat there kind of giggling inside, but I just wasn't feeling very kindly towards her. anyway, then I started doing the food, etc.

When I did go upstairs to watch the game, I asked W if she could hit the guide channel so I knew what channel the game was on. She said ESPN I think. So she flipped the guide on and confirmed that. I said "I'm going upstairs to watch the game" and she said in a really disappointed voice "oh...ok". I think she was planning on watching the game after the "Bachelorette" was over, but I just couldn't stomach watching that stupid show anymore, so I went to watch the game.

That's about it. And I agree completely with you guys. She hasn't made more moves towards me because she doesn't HAVE to. It's like there's a mountain behind her and one in front of her and right now she doesn't have to climb either one and it's comforting to know (to her). And I also agree that she likes the position of control she's in right now. To be vulnerable with me would be putting herself in a position of giving up that control of the situation she has. And she can call me controlling all she wants (which she hasn't done in a long time), but she's the controlling one in the relationship.

I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing for now. But at some point I'll blow and then she'll have to chit or get off the pot. Not sure when that'll be, but it's coming. I just hope it doesn't come to that.

Oh, and to answer your question WDID....I don't know what I want. It's been so long since I actually thought about what I want, I don't really know. I know I would kill to hear her say "I love you". I know I would kill to see her with her wedding rings on. I know I would kill for her to say "I F'd up and I'm sorry". Beyond that, don't really know.

[kat727]

Also remember that she can't read your mind. From what you have said before, this is kind of how the two of you behaved before. Now things have changed and she can't just go back and have it the way it was. You NEED to tell her what you need asap.

hugs, kat

[Hope4us]

Thanks for the comments guys.

Haven't posted for a while so I thought I'd update, although there's not much to update.

For the past two weeks, things have been pretty status quo, although this week has been different than the normal weekend = good, Monday W at work = still pretty good, Tues - Fri stink then back to good on the weekend. What's different this week? EGF is off work.

W and I were talking Wed night and she told me that EGF did something to her shoulder and would be off work for a couple weeks. W said she told EGF to let her know how her Dr. appt went and EGF never did. W was kind of like "whatever" about that, but knowing W, she was hurt by EGF not calling/TM'ing about the Dr. Too bad.....

Yesterday evening I was sitting on the deck when I got home from work and W came home and was talking, talking, talking. Continued the whole night. At 9 W went upstairs to watch something on T.V. and I sat there thinking, what's different? W has been engaged with me all week. It's just so different. And then I remembered the EGF conversation and BAM! It hit me.

So what to do? I don't think EGF is actively encouraging W to NOT get closer to me, but I think there's reminders there every time they talk how wonderful EGF's life is (getting married to the 3rd love of her life in 3 weeks) and how wonderful W's life could be if we weren't together and she was FREE but then W spends a weekend or vacation with me and things are good and W is confused again because how do those two thoughts reconcile themselves?

I guess I'll find out soon enough if I'm correct in my assumptions. W moves to a new office building in a month and will be around a lot of people she likes and respects, not stuck in the basement of another building with EGF being the only one in the building she can stand. And EGF probably will quit her job once she gets married at the end of the month so we'll see if what I suspect is correct.

Besides that? W being very engaged lately. More and more open about her day, her talks with her old boss, asking me to do stuff with her, doing stuff with me when I ask her. She's not so obsessed with her weight anymore (OM made comments about his W being heavy and that's when W went on the starvation diet). She still watches her weight, but she's not so anorexic anymore. She's gained about 5 pounds (up to a whopping 113), and in my opinion looks better than before, but she still makes comments about having to lose weight. I just compliment her, tell her she looks great, etc. I even told her last weekend that it looked like her boobs were getting bigger and she just smiled.

That's about it. I've read on a few other threads where people say that it took either them or their spouse 18 - 24 months after the A to really figure it out and I'm about 13 months post A now, so I hope the progress I'm seeing is real.

Talk to ya soon.

[fightingirish]

Hope... You are funny (the boob comment) ~ made me laugh..

But im sure it something that she needs to hear.. everyone is different, some people don't need reassurance as much as others, your w seems the type where she needs to be told all the time. Its a lot of work, dealing with the same thing myself.. it get exhausting.

But you've made it this far. hang in there

[Hope4us]

Thanks for the comment FI.

Weekend was typical. We have great times together, laugh, talk, etc, but again, something is holding her back.

We're a normal married couple in all senses of the word, EXCEPT the closeness.

Saturday we had a great day. Spent most of the day working in the yard. Evening we went to 'our' little pub/grill. Had a great time. A couple times during the evening she would move in close to me (we were sitting at the bar) as I had my arm around the back of her chair. She'd lean in and snuggle a little, and then something hits her and the next thing I know she's moved as far as to the other side of her chair.

In not my best DB moment, I let it affect me. I know I shouldn't have reacted, but it's just so darn hard. I said to her "How bout if I move my chair away from yours so you don't fall off yours"? She said "I'm fine".

It really made me angry. I didn't show it, but man, I could have exploded. We went home shortly after and she was fine for the rest of the evening. Sunday morning I told her I was sorry for getting upset Saturday evening and she said "I didn't know you were". So she either didn't catch my upset tone or didn't want to ask me why I was upset (which she didn't).

Sunday we did a little shoppig and then went to a graduation party. Party was pretty boring as we didn't know anyone but the mother of the graduate, so we left after an hour. Went home and had good evening.

So all in all, still another good weekend. W talking about future things, etc, but there's just that one little (BIG) thing holding her back and I don't know how to get past it.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You're not going to get past it, until you deal with it.

Why did you apologize to her? You didn't do anything wrong, in my opinion. If that's not a great DB moment, you need MORE of them, not less, I think.

Puppy

[JAK58]

[/quote]My IC says that the LBS must be willing to lose the M, so that he/she will act fearless enough, so that essential changes can occur in the R. Easier said than done, but true I'm afraid.[quote]

Hope,
I got this from another thread I read that CL over in MLC posted. I feel that this is pretty on the mark. I feel at the point that we are trying to work on the R together that we should be more fearless so to speak (calling them on their crap).
I think you did well.
Thanks for the post on my thread.

JAK