(Puppy), Just wanted to let you know that I called the counselor today,but got her voicemail. I left a message for someone to call me back. What do you think is the price we want to pay (or can pay) per session?
I also wanted to say something about the fact that I didn't wear my ring the other day. Apparently that bothers you. I personally don't understand why it would, as the ring doesn't make me "married". I just wanted to clear the air, because now I feel like you are constantly looking to see if I am wearing it. We talked the other day about no expectations from each other at least for awhile. I do not like wearing rings to work, and I thought I explained the reason for that. Why is it so important to you that I wear it ALL the time. There are lots of couples who sometimes do not wear their rings, and there is no problem with it. I just don't like wearing anything other than a watch, which I need for my job and a pair of earrings. I'm not attacking your reasons for wanting me to wear it, I'm just trying to make you understand why I don't when I work.
(Mrs. Puppy)
I replied:
(Wife),
Whatever it costs, it costs. To me, it is "a pebble in the jar" of your life, and it should be a priority. Like you said a couple of weeks ago, why is it that we can find $600 to help us try and get DIVORCED (mediator), but we can't seem to find the money to help us stay MARRIED? (counseling). If you feel this will help you, then I'm committed to it.
Yes, it bothers me when you don't wear your ring, and since we're supposed to be trying to communicate more and not just stuff our resentments, like we both have in the past, I decided to ask you about it. We had talked about it just a couple of weeks ago, when we decided to call off Mediator Meeting #2, that we would put our rings back on. I know you don't like to wear them to work, or to work out, which is why I hadn't said anything all week on the days you were working, and waited until a day when you weren't to ask you about it. I hadn't seen you wear them all week. I know the ring doesn't make us married, but I view our rings as a sign of our love and commitment to each other, and it hurts me when you choose not to project that to the outside world. And yes, I'm sure I'm a little sensitive to that recently, but we always wore our rings all those years we've been married and it's only been the last couple of years when yours seemed to bother you. As i wrote you back a week ago, I get fearful too, and I took it as another sign that you were pulling away from me.
I really don't want you to feel like you HAVE to wear a wedding ring out of some sense of duty or obligation to me. I would hope that you would WANT to wear it.
I hope that helps explain my feelings.
Love,
(Puppy)
. . . and she replied:
(Puppy), Thanks for explaining your feelings to me.
I am looking forward to seeing the counselor. I haven't had anyone to talk to that wasn't biased in some way, and that has been very difficult on me. I never want to involve my daughters, so I don't talk to them, and my parents just don't have a clue. So, hopefully this woman will help me to sort my feelings and perhaps face my fears.
As long as we are really being honest with each other, I have to confess that sometimes I do think we were premature in putting our rings back on and pretending like everything is perfect when in fact it is not. Sometimes I feel bad because I feel like once again we gave the signal to the kids that everything is fine with us. Maybe subconciously that is why I don't remember to put my rings on. I just feel like, yes, we are married and I haven't forgotten that, but I don't want to send mixed signals to the family into thinking "oh how nice they have their rings on again, everything must be peachy now between them". I know we love each other and we are and hopefully will always be best friends, but I do think that when we went to (restaurant) a few weeks ago, we got caught up in a lot of emotion. There is obviously a lot of feelings between us, whether or not they are enough to sustain us, I guess will remain to be seen.
Love, Me
(NOTE: The night at the restaurant, that is the night we came home and ML, and had a real nice next couple of days, talking and hugging and kissing and agreeing to put our rings back on and take this thing one day at a time, etc.)
I replied:
So what I hear you saying is, you view the wearing of our rings as a sign to our kids (and probably to your parents too?) that "don't worry; everything's okay now"?
I can understand your hesitation in that case.
To me, I feel that I just got a long, heartfelt letter from my wife basically telling me that she doesn't know if she won't ALWAYS have restless "wanderlust" feelings, and then you take your rings off right after we committed to each other that we would put them back on.
(Wife), I have tried to convey "no expectations" to you as it relates to ME. No questioning of a lack of wanting to sit on my lap, or to hold my hand, or to initiate any affection. The rings, to me, are more of a communication to the OUTSIDE WORLD, which -- I guess you're saying -- is entirely YOUR point, too (that you don't want to get people's hopes up).
That Friday night after (co-worker)'s house and (restaurant), yeah, I guess I could write that off to "caught up in the moment." But I thought that what happened the NEXT couple of days was some kind of a decision, to at least TRY, and I guess you're saying that for you it was purely emotional. I appreciate you being honest about it.
(Puppy)
I really am trying, guys. Please try and understand that what I've gone thru is basically a 20-year sex-starved marriage, which finally culminated in my wife having an affair two years ago. 90% of men would have bailed, but I'm trying to do this. There is a LOT of history of her drawing me back in, when she's scared, only to push me away again, and I'm terrified (and angry) to see it happening again.
And yet I also see how it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, too.
