Quote: told sis that I didn't want to know about this anymore and why did she tell me at work!!!!
The sad truth is, some people, even unconciously, enjoy the pain of others because they think it spares them feeling that same pain or facing the possibility of that same horror in their own lives.
Avoid ALL conversation about your sitch with friends and relatives...because IF and WHEN you and your H begin to work on reconciling...those 'well meaning' friends will be the first ones there to remind you of the 'bad old days' of your relationship.
Stick to this board and if available a 'real life' friend who ONLY supports your decision to hang tough through this horrific period in your life.
And Cathy remember....LYING is part of the 'illness' it's NOT personal. I know that sounds nuts, but it's the 'truth' they can't help but lie because the truth is a reality THEY can't deal with. T2
Okay I'm responding to my own post which I seem to do a lot of lately. And I really didn't feel all that much anger and the anger has gone for now. Of course I'm going to practice with my bow tonight and put his picture up on my target....
I'm okay now about the party, I think. Has anyone had anything similar happen to them? Now I know why he was mean to me yesterday, he felt guilty and kept bringing up things from the past-not cooking dinner for him, taking Son to McDonald's and not cooking for son, blah, blah, blah...which is getting old I might add. Does anyone here know who came up with the rule that a woman has to cook the meals? H doesn't know either, but he knows the rule.
It's his life, screw it up. I refuse to be kept down by H. It's been five months since He left, he's been having a R with her seven months, as far as I can tell. I'm really not picturing a future for us if he doesn't get rid of OW in the near future.
I was posting when you responded. I felt my sis was my true friend and supporter, but not anymore. She thought it was funny and didn't think I would care, she feels bad now. They order fish from the bar on Fridays and H's buddies hang out there and BIL likes to sit and gossip with them about ME! I've told my sis not to tell her H what's going on and she does and he's a big mouth. My H is gunning for BIL, so I hope BIL doesn't show up there on a night when H has had too much to drink.
Is this normal, I feel very calm now and am getting over it...maybe it's just so stupid that I have to laugh. Just when I think it can't get any worse......
Think of your H as a rat and every time you see him scurring away with his long tail whipping back and forth as he runs from you and down into his cheeseless tunnel, remind yourself that he's being a rat and not THE MAN you love and married.
He is currently transformed into another creature. Remember too that rats will only attack you if you corner them.
This particular spieces of rat considers being asked a direct question or for a commitment (visitation/dinner with the family/attending son's soccer practice/daughter's recital whatever) to be corners they're being squeezed into, but, instead of cowering (because WE'RE the bigger spieces)...they jump at our throat and put us on the defense.
So don't 'corner' your rat...let him run around, tail twisting in the air until he figures out that OW is rat poison...and YOU'RE the cheese.
T2
Quote: So don't 'corner' your rat...let him run around, tail twisting in the air until he figures out that OW is rat poison...and YOU'RE the cheese.
hahahahahahaha
You got a laugh out of me on that...what a great way to start my day.
He did call my cell on Monday, didn't leave a message, but it showed his #.
H picked up son last night, H mowed the lawn, I made dinner for us. H didn't say thank you, but that was okay, I felt really good doing it for him. He did bring up the bf thing again, and I said let's make a deal (bad wording I know), rather than you asking me all the time, I'll tell you if/when I do have a bf. His response, let's make a deal?
Quote: This particular spieces of rat considers being asked a direct question or for a commitment (visitation/dinner with the family/attending son's soccer practice/daughter's recital whatever) to be corners they're being squeezed into, but, instead of cowering (because WE'RE the bigger spieces)...they jump at our throat and put us on the defense.
I did ask him what he was doing this weekend and he said, what am I doing this weekend? Why I'm seeing son Thursday night. I wanted to know if he could watch son as I am going to a football game and if he had plans that was fine I would get a babysitter. He didn't say yes or no, but that's him, he does hate committing to anything.
We did have a good night last night. LL asked me if he ever initiated, well he doesn't initiate that often, but he sure does like to put his hands all over my body when he's around.
I do see babysteps from him, you're right I can't corner him about anything. If he does something now, i.e., the party thing, I say to myself, if we are getting D'd then it doesn't matter, if we are getting back together then it doesn't matter either. Maybe that's why I got over that so fast. It was more "poor me" than anything else.
Quote: down into his cheeseless tunnel
He does go down these quite a bit and it's getting old. He like to bring up the fact that I didn't cook enough for him which is something I'm trying to do more of for me and son. It is something I should do more of now that son likes a wider variety of foods. During the summer I don't like to cook a lot because summers are too short around here, but fall and winter I do like to cook. Does anyone here care??? Probably not, but I can say this to H till I'm blue in the face and he wouldn't care.
I think he's seeing the changes now and pretty soon he won't have anymore excuses and I'm also feeling a whole lot better about letting him go.
Good for you Cathy for being able to "SEE" what his agenda really is.
I'd also suggest that you make statements instead of asking him leading questions that he'll either balk at, give you a lie or half truth for a response, or immediately say NO because NO is so easy for them to say.
If you need him to watch your son, say on Thursday night to go have dinner with friends or run to the store (whatever) say, "H, I need you to stay with son Thursday night from whenever to whenever I have something to do." (DO NOT TELL HIM WHAT). Ths forces him to MAKE a decision/commitment. He's either going to say, "NO" or "Okay" If you give him any wiggle room with your request, he'll find plenty of wiggle room for his answer. Be prepared if he says, "No I can't do it." To say, "Okay, no problem, so and so said she'd watch him if you wouldn't." And STAY UPBEAT when you say it so he'll know HE can't control you or YOUR whereabouts with his NO. T2
As far as when I have plans to do things, he's always said yes, during the week for the most part. In fact, he'll act hurt and say why do you even have to ask so he has been really good about being the babysitter. There are times when I don't ask him also, when I do have other people watch son.
I remember telling him that I was going out on a Friday night awhile ago and he did offer to watch son, but I had someone already. But, then thought it would be nice for son to see H, but H then said I already have plans which was fine. He came over that Sunday and said to me I was looking for you Friday night..I said what? I had gone to eat in another town with some gf's and he made the same plans with OW no doubt, but I'm soo glad I didn't run into him.
So you think I shouldn't tell him what my plans are because he always does ask. Again, he's been really good about helping out with son when I have to work late or have plans to go out. I generally don't ask him for the weekends because I like to be with son since I work all week or let him stay with family members.
I just need suggestions on his cheeseless tunnels...do actions speak louder than words? If I keep in mind what you said about the rat I'll probably end up laughing in his face about it.
I have been staying upbeat lately, it was hard at first, but it's becoming a little more natural...isn't that weird. Five months ago I wouldn't have believed I could keep it up. It's the bb and all the reading and soul searching I've been doing.
Quote: So you think I shouldn't tell him what my plans are because he always does ask.
if he asks tell, but only answer the question asked...ie..where are you going..."out to dinner"...who are you going with or who will be there..
you don't have to act like you are hiding something but you don't have to give more info than is asked for directly.
also...if you don't have a problem with the visiting arraingment that h currently has for son then there is no need to change it...I only suggested you try to set a schedule because it seemed like you were looking for h to be with son and thinking that he should wich would lead you to ask for him or call him....if there was a set schedule you would not need to do that you would "know" in advance when h would be spending time with son. perhaps I needed the schedule because I don't work and there is no way that I could be here all day every day with two little kids h comming at his own discretion...would only add fuel to my fire.
Usually our conversation goes like this. H says so what are your plans for the week? If I have stuff going I'll tell him if I don't, I'll say so. If I don't have any plans, it is then his decision to come to see son on what night. I guess I was okay with it the whole time, I just sometimes get resentful that he can come and go as he pleases and has no fulltime resonsibilities to son.
H made a stupid comment to son3 last night "we don't like S19" to a three year old he says this. I said don't say that..H is such a baby. H is just mad becuase he can't control S19. S19 is coming over tonight to spend time with his little brother. I didn't tell H about it either.
