Funny how things move in ways you don`t expect. No, not great progress. In fact, maybe progressing in the wrong way. But there`s change in the air anyway.

I dropped the LRT on Thurs last.Once H challenged me about paying the bills and said he`d have to `defend myself more around here` I thought Well that`s it. I`m through with his mindgames and accusations and anger. I`m out of here.

By Sunday morning I was livid. I gathered up a few family photos and showed them to him."So in this pic you`re pretending to be a Dad/husband. You`re there for the picture, the look, the appearances but you were never fully committed.Right?"
Yes, I know its unDB stuff but I just really needed to speak from my heart.

He said that wasn`t true and asked me to remember the good times-this from the guy who couldn`t remember any good times the previous Tues.

But I was really angry with him. angry at his accusations against me, the way he has treated me over the past two years while he`s in his crazy place. I told him it was like looking down at him from outside and watching him destroy everything. I told him its ironic that he doesn`t ever want to go to court or see a solicitor again because by stalling on the separation and not trying to work things out in am amicable fashion, courts and lawyers are the only option.

I told him the cost of that is horrendous.

And there was a further irony anyway in his dreading appearances and what other people think, because when we do separate an other people will inevitably be talking about it.

He didn`t say a whole pile. But I sensed that in hearng me talking more about separation that he wants to row back on that one. Basically he hasn`t figured out what he wants.

I told him I knew he was full of anger, tat he always had that anger and that its something from his childhood. Its not my fault that his dad beat his mother so stop taking it out on me!

We haven`t spoken since. Not much anyway. I`m staying out of his way.

At night I`m hopeful of us getting over all of this. But in the cold light of day I can`t see how. I asked him on Sunday if he hated me he said no he didn`t hate me and seemed taken aback that I`d asked him But I think it may have stopped him being plain nasty.

I can see that he`s in a hole. I know he is in pain. And I can`t help him, though part of me wishes I could.

Off to counsellor tomorrow, jsut for me. Hope she can help me make more sense of everything.