Hey everybody. It has been months since I have even visited this site. I think it has been good for my detaching and I have actually been doing pretty well, but I have found myself needing to come back here and journal/vent and get support.
First off, my 34 year old brother passed away in his sleep on April 25th. This has been the most painful thing I have ever felt. We don't know what happened. He was the healthiest person I know, and it was a complete shock. We were extremely close and I am having a hard time functioning in daily life. I have returned to work but I can't seem to do anything.
XH came to the visitation. I hadn't seen him since last September. He was very close to my brother. He came in at the very end because he had to work. We were actually about to leave and my mom went in and asked if he could go in. XH and I went in together. We both just broke down and held each other. It was just so comforting being with him. All the emotions have been stirred up again. I am finding myself clinging to the way things were. I think I want to be with him now moreso than ever because he knew my brother, he knew how it was. It is just a weird feeling because I honestly haven't given him a second thought in months.
Here is the weird part. He is still dating OW#2...her brother died 4 days before mine. I have so many emotions, but one is anger that he is there for her and not for me. I was with him 8 years and he has known this girl less than a year and he has made no contact to see how I am since that night. Maybe that is selfish and wrong of me to feel, but I can't help it.
I have also reached out to him only to be ignored. I found something shocking while going through my brother's things. I needed to talk to someone about it and he is the only person that I would feel comfortable discussing it with. I have asked him if I could just talk about this with him and he has ignored me. I would think he could at least email and tell me he didn't want to talk about it, but he hasn't even done that.
I don't know, maybe I am just mad at the situation and directing it towards him. I know I should have no expectations with him, but I guess I am just amazed that he hasn't responded to my requests. I don't know how I am going to get through this without him. I have learned to get through day to day life without him.....but a tragedy is a different story. I NEED him.
I am so sorry to hear about your brother. What a horrible tragedy for your family to go through. Although I can't begin to grasp the depth of your sorrow, I can understand the automatic craving for comfort and solace. Your xh was your shoulder for a very long time and would be the person you are most like to turn to. It will be difficult to separate that feeling for a long time I'm sure.
Regarding what you found while going through your brother's things, is not something you could talk to your mother about? Honestly, when your D was final, your xh was no longer involved in your life or your brother's. He might be able to lend an ear but he's no longer invested in your life. It's so very hard to let that go, but you know you need to for your own wellbeing, right?
Personally, I have no idea how you go about doing that but I will pray that you are able to sooner than later.
Much love to you Kris. I've been thinking and wondering about you. No wonder God put you on my heart. My sympathies are with you.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I hope that the pain you feel eases with time, with the love, sharing and caring of family and friends. Spending time with people you love, trust and can be open with always helps with healing.
Your former spouse is making it clear that he is not your source of emotional support and is not willing to be. You want the husband you had, not the man he is now. People who care about you, your well-being, are there for you. Turn to them. Ask for help.
It's all part of the process... and has many of its own rewards.
I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I hope that you and your family are able to support each other during this difficult time. Please talk with your friends, just getting it out will help tremendously.
You are in my thought and prayers. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
sorry sweety))))))))) I'm so sorry about his passing. My personal belief is that death is a sleep, that we will see our love ones when Jesus comes back, that it's like a blink of an eye for our love ones who pass away.
It's prob for the best the x isn't your comforter, because then more emotions/feelings would wake up in you, like it or not, and more pain will come your way, you dont' need any more expectations to be shattered, the trust/intimacy is not longer there. You and yoru family will be in my prayers)))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thank you so much everyone. I really thought I was doing so well until this happened. It is hard to lean on family because I am trying to be strong for my parents. XH was always my rock, but I know he isn't the same person now.
He actually did finally send me an email telling me he could meet up and talk to me. Now after reading your posts I am wondering if that is a good idea. I don't want to go back to that place where I am constantly thinking about him....but I do feel I need to talk to him. Mishka, this isn't something I can discuss with anyone in my family because it was something that was hidden from me. I am not ready to bring it up with them. I guess I will just have to think about it some more.
When he came to the visitiation he cried and hugged me and told me that he had so much guilt and he was so sorry for the way things turned out. I mean he cried uncontrollably when he was saying this. I guess I just expected that he would at least call and check on me. I know...expectations...
My life has just changed so much over the past few years that it is almost more than I can bear. Maybe I am just reaching out to xh to give myself some sense of what was....maybe to feel some normalcy in my life.
I know cat, I am trying to keep that in mind. I do intend to meet with him, but I don't really have any expectations beyond that. I have something specific I want to talk to him about and then hopefully I will be done.
Oh Sweetie I know where you are. My brother passed away on April 12th. The pain of losing him has been almost more than I can bear, but has prompted me to move closer to my family.
H gave me a pat on the back, an I'm sorry, and $40 for a cab to the airport. If you want, look me up in the alternate universe...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Lola, I am so sorry to hear about your brother. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever been through.
Well, saw xh at the grocery store the other night. I had specifically been doing my grocery shopping early Sunday mornings to avoid this. I know that he has moved to the next town over, so I took a chance and went at about 10:00 Monday night and I saw him just as I was walking to the check out...too late to dodge him. My mother was with me, so it felt even more awkward. As we were walking toward each other I realized he wasn't even going to stop. He walked right past me, threw up his hand to wave and didn't even slow down. Luckily OW wasn't with him.
Anyway, I lost it right there in the store. I just lost my brother and he can't even stop to say hi or ask how I am doing???? I will never understand that. I was crying uncontrollably by the time I got to the car. I was already having a bad day having constant reminders that my brother is no longer here and that just put me over the edge.
I feel like I am losing it. My work is suffering, my relationships are suffering, I just feel like my life is spinning out of control. It seems basic tasks are overwhelming. I don't know how to snap out of this.
