d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

Trapt,

Do you think I should not let him over to hang out with us?? One week I can't get him to go home early and then the next week he is almost in a race to leave.

I told him last sunday that he had to get his stuff packed up and get it out before the divorce day. He just asked why? I just had to tell H that because when the divorce is final we need to move on. Because that is what he's asking for by divorcing me. He almost seemed hurt. I know it just killed me by saying it

I go back and forth which isn't good either on how to do all of this. He acts like he wants the divorce for sure and will not waiver. Then he acts as though he really likes being with us. (maybe just because he had no other place to go that evening - he's at his parents house and hates it)

I want to show him that I still care but afraid that will push him away. Then again what do I have to lose?? Then on the other side I feel like maybe I need to get tougher. By telling him to finally get his stuff out. He left end of november 2008 and still has all his stuff at our house. (he went from 48" waist to now a 38") so he doesn't need his clothes that are in his dresser. Funny how once in a blue moon he'll take a shower at the house and go in his bathroom cupboard and put on his cologne and he puts it back in. I told him one time, just take it with you, I don't wear that kind !! He just smiled and left it there. Why !!!

What do you think I'm supposed to do??? Be nice and sweet and upbeat or straight facts (get your things out of house, no more hanging?)

Any suggestions

[fisherman]

I can't really tell you what your supposed to do. You have to come to that.

It looks like he is on both sides of the fence right now. Whatever you decide, it should be for you and your daughter, that's it. You can't make a decision just to try to change him. He has to be the one to do this on his own.

For right now, all you have to go on is that he has filed. Is he still pushing things through? You can't focus on your court date as some sort of time clock either, I know it seems that way at times, but after having went through that part of it, I can say it's really not the end. The end comes whenever you decide.

Take some time and focus on what's best for you and your daughter. Sit still if you don't know what to do yet, the answers will come.

[misshim]

H is still pushing everything through. He's doing the D by himself (pro-se) but because of the house, I got a lawyer. This will actually be easy on paperwork. We only have to court 1 time, that's june 29 (if all agree, - it's final). Last sunday he gave me his final stipulation order - to look at. As he said check it over so we both match.

He wants nothing, not the house, no vehicles, no personal household items. I don't get it.

Heck, I can't get him to take his clothes & cologne & dresser. I like them there, it makes me think he's there as well but I know he's long gone. At least in his mind he his.

I get confused whether to be strong to get it out or don't push him. Yes, I am extremely scared and watch whatever I do, I don't want to lose my marriage but not sure how he feels.

[misshim]

Well saturday was H's b-day. D4 got him a cake that said happy birthday daddy, and card and some t-shirts. He could barely say thank you to us. He acted really nervous and had to leave. I just thought it was because he was in a hurry to go "out" for his birthday.

My neighbor did see him at our local bar that night. H was sitting all alone at the bar. I don't get it, unless he was being flooded with memories at our house and he had to leave. But to sit all alone at the bar was very strange to hear. He has alot of friends, guess it's just strange that he wasn't going out with them on his birthday.

We didn't hear much from him on sunday. On monday (memorial day) he texted me wanting to come over. I said sure. He was in such a good mood it scared me. I just don't get it, he even played ball with our D4. He never would have done that. We had such good laughs. We almost get along better now than we ever during our marriage. I just don't get it.

I need to call the lawyer this week to touch base before the final D-day. I hate to call her but I know I have to.

[Grace_O]

misshim,

It's really tough to wonder what they're thinking and why. Esp when you hear about them "sitting alone in a bar". This is why GAL is os important for you, it takes the focus off them. I am aware you may not be at the point where you can really do this, but you don't have to do it "well", just so something. One step at a time. When you fall, we'll help pick you up.

As far as getting along better goes, the pressure is off. Keeping away from R talks etc, helps to keep it off.

Good luck with the lawyer.

HUGS

[misshim]

One thing that really bothers me. Why hasn't he gotten his stuff out of the house?? I keep telling him to do it when our D4 isn't there. Last wednesday when he was dropping off D4 she went over to our family picture and said there you are daddy. He said yes and that was you (to D4) when you were a good little girl. Oh how that peed me off !!! I've held my composure with him for all this time. And I told him, No, she's always been good, you are the one that has changed. She is a child and a smart one at that, and you should be proud of her.

I'm a lioness when it comes to my girl. And that H of mine has told me many times he wishes that our D4 was from the mailman. I even told him, since you don't want her then why not just leave us alone, we'll be fine. He just laughs.

He asked me to dye his hair for him. Ha-ha I'd like to dye it green. I'm expecting my country boy to start wearing gold jewelry soon. (not that alittle is bad, it's just not him). He goes from the I'm sexy attitude to the attitude that no one will want this old, fat man. I just told him someone will someday.

argh !!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Grace_O]

One thing that really bothers me. Why hasn't he gotten his stuff out of the house??

Try not to think about it too much. My H has been gone over a year and left most of his "stuff" when he left. He took some clothes (not all), his laptop and special table for it, camera and a few insidentals. After awhile, I went through and packed it up and put it in the garage. You'll make yourself crazy wondering about it. I have considered telling him to take it, but I don't really care and I'm not looking at it.

I think I'd have taken his head off for the comment to your D4. I'm hoping he didn't mean it like it sounded. Doesn't sound to me like he feels very good about himself.

Don't bother telling him that someday someone will want him. I know you're trying to be nice, and nice is good. I think I'd say something more like "I'm sorry you feel that way". Nice, but more neutral.

HUGS

[misshim]

I'm being mean about his stuff but even my layer said he needs to remove it b4 divorce. I know his clothes he doesn't need they are too big. He told me I could pack them up and get rid of them for him. I'm sorry, he walked and I have a full time job, a farm w/animals and a D4 to take care of. I'm not going to pack up his stuff for him. He wants me to do it, I know him well enough. It was always very hard for him to take charge of any situation. (that's why I was so shocked that he actually filed). I'll give him to the d-day and if not removed after that I think I will have a little "camp-fire" at the farm. All of his cologne in bathroom should really get the fire burning.

I'm feeling kind of nasty today. I'm starting to feel like I'm on my own roller coaster. Some days I'm sad, other days just plain angry. I know it's not good for me but sometimes I just need to feel angry. Almost gives me more energy to get the things done around the house that he never did.

Yea, it hurts me alot when he says those foolish comments about our D4. She loves him so much and it breaks my heart. I remember last wednesday night we were talking and he did say he was too young to have children (H just turned 37) I'm sure he's having MLC issues. I so wanted to tell him - Oh yea? I know you act like you're 15 years old, which is too young for children but you really are older than that.

He kept telling D4 that her daddy was crazy. I just bit my lip and smiled.

I want to be strong through this but I feel like I'm weakening and just want it over. Eggshell dance is too much

[Grace_O]

You're right that he should pack it up and get rid of it. Mine was never going to and I didn't want to see it. I know what you mean about him not taking charge. At some point, Hopefully he will own this. He may not. Make sure you have a way to channel the anger so it doesn't eat at you. I know it does right now, but eventually you want to be able to get angry, deal with it and let it go.

This isn't a ride for everyone and you don't have to walk on eggshells. I think we do that most when we're looking to "fix" things. "If I do this, then maybe he'll/she'll come back". It doesn't work that way and you wouldn't want it to. Not really. If it did then you'd spend way too much energy trying to second guess them and make them happy in advance so they wouldn't leave again. That's not a way to live. When you're stronger within yourself you can decide if the opportunity presents itself whether or not this R is truly salvagable. I know how hard it is. All that I've learned through this mess has been hard won.

Just remember that any choices you make need to be made with your head too. I vote for a 24hr (in some cases longer) cooling off period for you to think.

While Daddy may be crazy (at the moment), I think I'd pull him aside and ask him not to say that to her. It sounds like he's using it as an excuse. Diminished capacity my a$$.

[misshim]

Another crazy night (tuesday night) H texted me and asked how our D4 dentist visit went. I used to always tell him in the past that he never would ask about his D4 doctor/dentist visits and how that used to bother me. So when this appointment came I of course never said anything. He must have seen it written on the calender. So I was impressed that he texted me to ask how it went. I told him good. H told me thats good news, you are doing a great job with her teeth. Wow ! I almost fell over. It's the little things that I hear that mean the most.

He wanted to come over around 10pm last night to have a piece of his leftover b-day cake. (i haven't touched it, i'm proud of myself) he also asked me how our shower was working. Me being tired and duh I didn't catch on. I asked our shower is working fine why would you ask? Well, he wanted to come over to take a shower and stay the night. What the h ?

I said, sorry i'm already in bed. Then he wanted to come over anyways. I said he would have to another time. I couldn't hardly sleep !! What is going on now?

He picks up D4 tonight (wednesday) after daycare and he'll bring home around 6. Should I say anything or just let last night be last night and go with the flow??? Help