Kenn... Thank you. That was helpful in that I always knew that he was feeling guilty (I am sure for FAR mor than I even know) for leaving the family and hurting me...I just never thought of those ststements as martyrdom...interesting. And as for the "you will be better off"...yeah, heard that one too!!!!! You know what is crazy??? That I feel like telling him "OK...it is OK whatever you've done so far is OK and I love you enough to forgive you and work thru it all!!!!" I want to comfort him in a way. Psychology for sure!!! Maybe just plain psycho!!! Thank you for taking the time to post. This MB is a Godsend. Seriously. Just when something happens or my brain is cluttered and full, about to burst with negativity...I come here and someone says something so seemingly obvious...and it helps clear the clutter! You had mentioned there being alot of stuff to read out there to help...do you mean relationship books in general, or info pertaining to the coping/guilt of the WAS?? More input there would be great! Thanks again... P.S. Hopefully NO ONE here judges on typing skills, or the posts that I type as I am crying my eyes out and CLREARLY making no sense would be banished forever!!! Take care...
Your sitch has hope. It doesn't matter what anyone says. He has to figure his cr*p out. If we are pissed or fed up or don't think it is fair, well, we have our own recourse, right? It is up to you how long or how much you are willing to hold on to a space in your heart for him. I know it isn't "fair" but we could bail, we could take off, or get boyfriends or split custody 50/50 if we don't want the lion share. We choose to be the stable ones because we are capable and that is who we are. And, to alleviate the resentment and feeling of being scr*wed, we have to only do what we are comfortable doing and not be martyrs and not give them guidance that we can't accept getting zero acknowledgement for. You get my drift?
This was really helpful...as it always is when you remind me that I DO have choices in this...and I choose to be the stable one. I CHOOSE to be the one with the lion's share because I would have it no other way..and I CHOOSE integrity, honesty, and BRAINS! Thanks AK.
thanks dburt...can we ever rule out an affair when we don't know what our S is doing? I wouldn't rule it out, but I will say that there is something that I don't know about his guilt...that I think there was a line crossed at some point. My counselor told me about a "guilt tranference"...something he did is making him unable to face me on a daily basis...hence the separation. It is neither here nor there...but I don't suspect a current affair...or an OW. Time will tell the truth.
What is the plan for the week, do you expect him to call?, if he does are you ready with the marvelous plans that you are going to tell him if he asks. It is time to get out there and enjoy yourself, or at least make a great effort pretending to do so, who knows, once you pretend to have a good time, many times it turns into actually having a good time.
You are a strong happy person, always around him, also, next time you see him, look real nice, have your dancing shoes on, ready to go out with a friend.
He is also probably having an affair, but I do not think it is serious, just how he is acting, with the guilt, it is not quite script. Puppy?
thanks dburt...can we ever rule out an affair when we don't know what our S is doing? I wouldn't rule it out, but I will say that there is something that I don't know about his guilt...that I think there was a line crossed at some point. My counselor told me about a "guilt tranference"...something he did is making him unable to face me on a daily basis...hence the separation. It is neither here nor there...but I don't suspect a current affair...or an OW. Time will tell the truth.
Hey dburt,,,as if I don't already have my suspiscions, you gotta go there and say he is probably having an affair??? Thanks ALOT!! LOL! Good thing I am at a place where that fact is neither here nor there. I am not going to get caught up in what he may or may not have done or is doing. I am here because I am fighting for my marriage, and in due time I will know if it is worth, if HE is WORTHY of me. I will decide. It is my choice...and I am in control of what happens. In fact, knowing what I know...and what i am learning thru DB, DR, and all of my many research sources, if he were to come back to me today I would likely (not SURELY!!) tell him that we are not ready. It has to run its course...maybe this space was a good idea...I just wish that we didn't have to make so many annoying descisions like renting 2 places, and spending alot of unnecessary money!!
The plan for the week is so far...H is in Vegas for work for the day today and will be back tonight...so he couldn't pick up the kids. Tomorrow I will pick them up and he may or may not try to see them. Thursday we have a "family open house" at the girls' school which I already told him i would meet him at and he had to take the girls overnight (1st time in new place) because I had plans. I definately plan on overdressing, looking HOT, and leaving a little early (so long as I don't miss out on anything)...but either way before H I guess. Then I also told him I was planning a trip outta town and he would need to take them for the weekend. I do NOT want to leave them at his new place overnight, but I realize it has to happen sometime and frankly I need a break. H has not had them overnight since he left me...a little over a month ago. (God, it feels like a year!!!) Can you say REALITY CHECK for the H.??? He will get a real dose of single parenthood...maybe he will like it, maybe not. Went running today...(I am an avid runner and haven't worked out in 2 months!!!) IT felt amazing and I can't wait to go tomorrow too!! Hope everyone is doing OK. WE WILL GET THRU THIS.
You are so right. It is irrelevant if their is an affair. However sometimes it helps to recognize that you are up against that and really focus on yourself as H will be too distracted. You are on the right track anyway.
