I'm going to talk about my sitch, bc well, its what I know. I was a child bride and a virgin. a very GOOD wife. Three kids, never even LOOKED twice at another man.
I seem like an unlikely candidate to cheat dont I. But it happened. Lets look at what made that happen - and no, before you ask, no it was NOT sexual curiousity or bc I hadnt been with another man. Not one single bit.
I WAS ANGRY.
thats it. thats why I had an affair and I think thats why a lot of people have affairs, men and women alike. I was very, very angry at my husband. He let me down, and disrespected me, and I got so gosh darn angry, I thought - "I'll SHOW YOU"! very childish yes? but im just being honest.
I wont get into the specifics about WHY I was so angry, but lets just say, I finally became, "the worm that turned", and I did not care A BIT how that turned out, or how that hurt him, or how that hurt our marriage. I picked a man, and i chased after him, a man my husband felt threatened over but no not a friend of his but a co-worker. He was younger than me and probably overhwhelmed by the sudden attention, I have no doubts. IN MY MIND, it was about just SEX and getting some "revenge" on my ex for being such an AHOLE. I no longer felt I loved him and I felt wreckless. At the time I remember telling my mother I didnt think I loved him anymore. I was so furious. I felt quite justified!
Naturally never having done this before or even been in a relationship before... I had no idea emotions actually would come into play, and "fell in love" with my OP. No one was more surprised than I. DEEEEEP DOWN, I was still very much in love with H, and I became quite afraid then of being found out, but I also was by now in the thralls of NEW LOVE and loathe to give that up - he made me feel amazing. The sex wasnt as great as with H, but then I'd been with H 20 years; but it was great bc it was with HIM and different. Before too long he was telling me he was in love with me and wanted to be with me forever. He was willing to take flack, willing to take the kids on, willing to defend me like only a knight in shining armor could; and of course he heard all my bitterness about H, and agreed strongly I deserved SO much more.
I distanced from H and became emotionally unavailable and every single waking moment was spent in a stupor of first love, akin to a 16 yo. I thought of his smile, his eyes, his laugh, the way he talked. he was perfect. TO THIS DAY, my OP is perfect and this happened 8 years ago! why shouldnt he be, I never DID get to know the man. I never DID live with him or clean for him or have to see him in a bad mood. I only saw the LOVELY aspects of him didn't I.
After the A ended, I moved jobs etc, the contact continued via email another 12 months. A lot of chatting talking and laughing, flirting and carrying on, he carried a torch for me and I loved that. I kept that door open. I think a lot of people do. In the end tho, I was slowly reconnecting back with H and feeling v guilty, DISTANCE and TIME DO make a difference. This is why so many are willing to tolerate it, bc its true, eventually it peters out, if contact is truly NIL by physical personal contact; even emails cant keep that flame going forever. sooner or later, the OP becomes frustrated bc they arent living a full life waiting around for you. They get angry and resentful (rightfully so!) usually, imho, the OP will be the one to finally end contact if there is no physical sex happening. they see its going nowhere and have to face the fact your willing to work on your M, even if you are talking to them.
When its TRULY OVER and ashes, well the memories carry on - I carried a torch about another 12 months. I think this is common - as I said theres no 'bad' memories or a 'real relationnship' there so theres only fondness to recall. the M seems harsh and abrasive by comparison even tho H is trying so much. I wondered a lot if I would ever get over OP, and ever love H the same again.
MY ANSWER IS THIS: good people do make mistakes. good people can get themselves into bad situations thru depression and a patchy bad marriage. Its untrue that a cheater is always a cheater; some people sincerely and horribly regret their affair and would NEVER dream of doing anything like that again, due to the fallout. WHen its finally all over and the fantasy is gone, you DO look up and see what you have done and you do have major sorrow for the pain you caused. you see your selfishness and its a horrible pain bc its mostly hidden secretly, its a dreadful thing to admit to anyone. I came out of it distraught and feeling "I wasnt the same" and "would never be the same again" and I would question myself at nights, thinking, "if I did this thing, that I thought I would NEVER DO, then how do I really KNOW myself at all? maybe im capable of ANYTHING". it was a terrifying thought.
FOR ME, healing came in admitting it to everyone I knew including parents and family (H hadnt told.) I had to come clean to feel clean. a lot cant get past the pain but the truth is, confessing is good for the soul and the people who love you and know you will forgive you. if you are truly regretful they will. admitting it is a big step bc its saying "I want you to really know me". I think not enough people come clean but would if they knew how freeing it is. its nice not to hide or have a rotten secret.
Once H had his own OP and an affair, I told the kids out of a sense that they were blaming him and i wanted them to truly see mistakes happen and its not right to blame just one person. If you admit it to kids you have to do it carefully tho, knowing they're old enough (my oldest two were.) I also did so knowing it would only bite me if i didnt and yes the H tried to "out" me, only to be deflated to find I'd already come clean.
If H ever came truly clean and asked for forgiveness today he'd get it from kids and me and family. he doesnt yet realise that and isnt strong enough and some never are. thats not to say id take him back - no too much hurt there, I never deliberately hurt him for the OP the way he did me, or abandon our kids the way he did - but in a WAY, im almost glad I at least know the pull and addiction an OP can be bc its made me more compassionate.
I dont ENTIRELY regret my affair even now, bc it does define who I am today- I hated it and hated myself for it but hey, im changed and NOW accept that change. i forgive myself for it. it was dumb and happened and I will answer to god for it.
but people who fight for cheating spouses, arent weak or wrong but strong loving people who want their lives back... and I cheer for every single one of them. I hope everytime for them to get the fairtale ending. but even if it doesnt happen, thru all the pain and angst as both the person who HAD one or the victim of one, you still come out stronger. better.
an affair, a marriage breakdown, think of yourself like molten glass; you are being reshaped by life; you are being held in the flames and yuo will come out differently; but you have to beleive you will come out of those flames more beautiful. even if its not positive ending, you'll come out more complex, brilliant, and different - you will be tempered. you will be unshatterable. you can surive anything, now.
xoxoxo blessings
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
