I have a question for you. My W admitted having a PA in Nov of '07. She didn't admit it until Sept. of '08, when I basically told her that there was no other explanation for what was going on. For a few weeks we were communicating then she basically disappeared. She's been very distant since then. She swears there is no contact with the OM, but I'm pretty sure that isn't the case. It's nothing I can prove, but the circumstantial evidence is pretty compelling. I know that Puppy argues that without full disclosure and openness, the chance of a relapse is pretty high. (Please correct me if I am reading you incorrectly). What is the allure of continuing contact? Is it the need they meet? Is it the secrecy of everything?
I've read what you have posted here and I'm about at the point of the ultimatum. She won't file because that makes her the bad guy, but at some point don't you own up to your actions? Maybe that was two questions.
Some are gonna disagree here but I think if the person who had the affair claims to end it, but then goes all secretive, its probably still going on, even if just emotionally (via emails etc from work and so on.) is your wife emotionally unavailable to you?? and is he accessible to her? if so... then yes, I would DEFINITELY be highly suspicious there is still some kind of contact. When a person is in an affair even if emotionally (and BELIEVE me, an affair often drags on for a year or more via contact! an its SOO destructive) they are not emotionally available to YOU, but they think they're doing a terrific job hiding that from you.... they really do. If you act suspicious they will call you paranoid and get all on their high horse but realise this: THEY cheated on you and its THEIR responsibility to you to act clean and transparent if THEY REALLY WANT YOU BACK and REALLY WANT THIS TO WORK.
Ok so what I am trying to tell you is this: you can say to wife, "even if its OVER, your behaviour is SO withdrawn and SO secretive that it tells me you are unavailble emotionally to me; this is either bc your still "in love" with him or bc you are NOT in love with me... and if your not in love with me, then logic tells me you might be holding a candle forh him". this is a logical point of view and NOT unreasonable. I seen a lot of advice here saying to be patient and tolerant during the 'after the affair' phase and that IS true, but only up to a point: if after 12 months the secrecy is still going on your going to have to face some facts and ask some tough questions.
That is why hardlining is hard - bc if you do it, its MORE LIKELY that this is exactly what is going to happen. almost certainly WILL happen. the OP remember, is in love with your spouse and they dont want to lose them, so they wont give up contact with them easily - and contact is draining your marriage. the straying w or h will justify it to thsemlves saying they ended it and they are trying - but IN REALITY THEY ARE BEING V SELFISH, and keeping their 'options' open, and you might need to address that - in a very FACTUAL and non accusing way not in an emotional way. bc she might not have even really stopped and thought that thru, how selfish it is; mostly you dont til its all done and dusted. Having someone point out to you some hard home truths isnt wrong, its a strong thing to do. just dont do it from your anger, jealousy or emotions, but as observations regarding her behavior.
No I dont think the attraction is the 'cheating'. Not by that stage anyhow, after admitting it. I think the attraction is the DRAMA and I cannot say that ENOUGH. life is boring! life is humdrum! this person adores you and waits on your every word. WHO doesnt want to be ADORED????
But that once again is something you could point out to her factually - that her feelings for the OP are based on romantic love that never got a chance to mature into what YOU TWO have, and that kind of romantic love 1) cannot last and 2) would change, if she ever DID get with him. She'll say 'she knows all that', but I tihnk in the depths of romantic angst, its easy to daydream it away and pretend. Even those who KNOW in their minds it would never really work out still have this ROSY GLOW about the OP and probably always will in a way, bc THEY NEVER had to see their 'bad side' did they?
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.