H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

I seem to have lost my audience...maybe they've all wandered out to the lobby for popcorn and chocolate.

My sleep schedule is SOOO screwed up. Saturday night I went to bed much earlier than usual (although still later than a normal person with a 9-5 job), and then woke up after a couple of hours and could NOT go back to sleep. I finally got up at dawn, and it was nice to get to church (haven't made it there in months because of my horrible sleep patterns), but then needed a 5-hour nap later. Then last night I went to bed at a normal time for me (within the 8-hour range of "normal" for me, anyway!), and took 3 hours to fall asleep. I suppose I could regulate this with sleeping pills, but I really don't want to do that if it's not necessary, and besides, they give me a headache that won't go away for at least 2 days.

Tonight a call came in on the home phone (which almost nobody calls any more except bill collectors; I'm seriously considering having it taken out and saving $50.00 a month, which would be good even though it's coming out of H's pocket). Anyway...the call was from one of H's oldest friends (since high school, and they also went to college together, where I later met them both and started dating H). This friend and his W (who have been M for over 20 years, since right after college) were a fellow childfree couple, so we hung out together a lot until they moved 1000 miles away, about 10 years ago.

Anyway...the friend was diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer in Sept. '07, only a month before the bomb here in our house. He called H to tell him about the cancer, even before he told his parents and siblings (who live here in our area). To my knowledge, friend and H have not actually talked since then (just emailed), even though H made noises about traveling out to visit friend a few months after the bomb, when friend's chances for survival were looking pretty bleak (he is still fighting the cancer, over 1-1/2 years later, but has beat a lot of the odds already). I certainly don't think friend's cancer pushed my H into MLC--the signs were there quite a while earlier, and he had already started a sexually explicit EA w/OW at that point, even though they had never met in person--but I do think the friend's crisis contributed a bit in terms of H feeling like he was getting old and his time was running out, and he needed to "pursue happiness" regardless of the consequences.

Anyway...friend said he had called H's cell phone first (the only way I have for getting hold of H) but had to leave a message, so friend called our house (I can't help but wonder about divine intervention there). From talking to him, clearly he had NO idea about what was going on with H and me. I was cautious about what I said to him, but I got to a point at which I thought it would be dishonest not to tell him...so I gave him the gist of it. I believe he was truly shocked and appalled. He also told me that the things H has been doing don't sound at all like the H he knew (not that I think he didn't believe me).

It was nice to have someone to talk to (I'm really low on people I can truly talk to openly), even being very aware that I needed to be cautious because he is H's friend first and should be loyal to him. I told him some of what I have learned about MLC, and how I had longed (in the beginning, before I found out how useless this approach is) to call friend up and ask him to whack H upside the head and ask what in the name of all that is holy he thought he was doing! I might have even actually gone through with this if it weren't for feeling that friend had entirely enough on his plate in dealing with a rare, mostly fatal brain cancer. I guess friend hasn't had a nasty encounter with MLC yet, because he didn't seem to know more than the average person about it.

So that was the particularly interesting event for the day. Our wedding anniversary (that was Saturday) got roundly ignored by H. I'm sure he didn't forget unless MLC did a major number on that part of his brain--he never had any trouble remembering major dates before. I didn't think he would welcome my contacting him about it, so I stayed dark.

Yesterday I did a little work on my website--a seriously overdue (and overwhelming) project that I had done nothing with for over six weeks, despite my having wanted to have it up and running before the magazine with my work came out, which was...about six weeks ago. So, I'm trying, once again, to push through and get this DONE!

Time for me to wind down. If you're out there reading, grunt so I know you're still alive and following along.

Peace,
Dawn