You're right about me feeling like a loser. I truly believe that at the moment, there does not appear to be any light at the end of the tunnel. I love my wife more than anything, I miss my children, I do not have any family for support, therefore I feel very insecure, isolated and lonely.
I just see my wife with her new figure, new clothes and new lifestyle, living in the marital home I re-built and decorated, and it is really getting to me. She is going out with friends and having a great time, while I am still in utter turmoil and am hurting so badly. I know I must forget her and concentrate on me and the children, but it is impossible to try and forget the one person who has been a part of you for 15 years. The one person I adore but never told her often enough, the person I neglected over the years.....
I go to the gym, I try and get out but it is difficult as most of my friends were OUR friends and they knew my wife before me. I am trying to occupy my time with other things but I am finding it tough as I am suffering from depression and its hard to get motivated.
Thanks again FF, I know I cannot say or do anything to my wife that makes any difference, I just have to look at me but even now all I can think of is my wife and what she is up to.
Does being more of a man ie. making decisions that she does not like but I need to make for the sake of my own self respect make a difference? I have enabled her to take this course of action (divorce) without much fight from me for fear of her pulling even further away. Would she think more or less of me if I stand my ground on something I feel is important?
Its pretty normal to lose all or most of your friends in a breakup. I lost most first, then ALL. its horrible but it happens; I found myself it really wasnt bc of them taking sides, it was bc I didnt want to BE around anyone who knew "us" or "what happened", and then I ended up unable to make "new" friends bc I wasnt in a place to BE a friend. I think a long period of lonliness and isolation is par for the course; your depressed, your beaten, and your anxious. It isnt a reflection on YOU as a a bad thing, its just the way it is. It wont always be that way. You will eventually make new friends, especially when you get a new job. Do yourself a favor with that - dont talk about your SITCH with them. bc you'll end up leavin them behind. Just be brief/factual in talking to new people about it, not full on telling the story. bc later on we tend to avoid those people (not their fault; its just we were in a bad place then and dont want to be reminded.)
I personally think you have nothing to lose in telling your w that you oppose the divorce and dont want one, but do so strongly and factually not emotionally as in "I love you and want you back and dont a divorce". be more like "Ive let you go this far with this but I want you to know, I am very against this breakup and very against a divorce and wish you'd have given more time to working things out with me". she'll probably just say she doesnt care bc she wants it, but you can just reiterate - "I know and I cant stop you but I want it on record especially for OUR KIDS, that I didnt WANT this and I was AGAINST this". be proud of that! it certainly made a diff for my kids. Kids hate divorce. Its nice to know at least ONE of you was opposed to it and fought the good fight. its a good example too. (as long as its not done with blame.)
Keep in your mind at ALL TIMES that "all you have worked for" isnt gone - and you can and WILL regain what you had. it might take a long time and it might be alone or with a different person but you will once again have those things. Instead of feeling emasculated try realising THIS: look at all you have GIVEN HER, in this marriage, DESPITE the fact she was the one who broke up with YOU. its a measure of what kind of MAN you are to be so generous an giving, you should be PROUD of yourself in this. If she doesnt realise she should be grateful, then thats her own affair; you do and you know you can TRULY have nothing on your conscience in this breakup. you treated her well you were generous and you tried hard to rebuild it. At least you can say "I did EVERYTHING I could". this means you will sleep better at nights beleive me. the pain wont go for a long time but the pain of self blame WILL.
WHen thinking of her with the OM, keep at all times in your mind, this isnt your wife ANYWAY. shes remade herself, reinvented herself. he hasnt got what YOU had he has a different person altogether. THEIR relationship is v different. she probably like to say "she can be the real her, with him". let it go. the person she is, for a start, might not be anyone you'd want, anyway, in reality. if you could get past the fact she has the same body and face and you have a shared history, and just LIVE with her today as she is RIGHT NOW, you might find yourself very unimpressed.
As the one left its easy to get caught up in the idea of ALSO reinventing yourself from scratch as it appears THEY did and are DOING so great, but personally, I find that fake and untrue. keep being yourself bc frankly, you lose so much of yourself ANYWAY during this that if you go about trying to be different as WELL, you'll wake up one day wondering who the heck you are! you'll come out of all this very different ANYWAY without trying. a better man a stronger man. a more compassionate man, who truly has something to give a woman - her loss.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
