WAW1 - Anticipation2

[karen43]

I said I cannot talk to you anymore and ended the call.

That was good, except next time do it as soon as your W starts accusing you of being a bad dad or putting the kids last or yelling or insulting. It's not good for your children or for you to allow that. I used to allow stuff like that too, and I have worked hard on that, and you will find her more respectful of you I think if you don't allow her to verbally abuse you. Karen

[PositivelyMommy]

I agree with Karen. Nip it in the bud. Don't let her talk with you like that. So what if she thinks you are going to visit a GF? What is it her business now anyway? She LEFT YOU, remember?

It is not her business what you do. Although, IMHO, I would AVOID changing your schedule with the kids. That is unfair on the children, they are expecting to see Dad and they need stability in their life regarding you. If you are not there or if you are 'unreliable' they will suffer. So if you have arranged to see them certain times, you need to make that your #1 PRIORITY. Got it?

Now, outside of that, it's totally up to you what you do with your time. Nobody's business. No need to defend yourself. No need to explain to her your reasons. YOU DON'T OWE HER AN EXPLANATION. Don't give her more ammonition, Mark!

[markhaving probs]

Karen and PM,

I thought in my own mind I was correct in not informing her of what I was doing. The trouble is, once a row ensues all reason and clear thinking seems to go out of the window. The problem I have is knowing the children are there, and when my W is constantly haranging me the children get upset, and then I feel I need to nip their sadness in the bud by telling my W what I am up to. I just seem to be unable to deal with situations correctly and I end up allowing my W to dictate the conversation.

The other thing that bothers me is the fact she can quite happily argue with the children present. This shows a complete lack of sensitivity towards the children and I cannot understand how she can do this.

I texted her this morning asking her if I could see the children today, as it would also allow her to get on with her work. She sent back an angry text saying I had the opportunity to organise something weeks ago, (though I might have been working)and I did not bother. She went on 'you are just like your mum and dad, leave everything to the last minute.

More anger yet I feel I am doing really well with the children and yet I get the impression my W still thinks I am not prioritising them. I feel so frustrated as nothing I do seems to be be recognised or commented on. Her negativity towards me seems endless which is really draining for me.

What do you think?

[markhaving probs]

I just spoken to my W about some childrens school dates. She is very short with me, not happy and then she decided to tell me I was lazy and I was the only person she knew that was out of work.

This sort of stuff does nothing for my self-esteem or confidence. I desperately need some positivity and yet all I get is negativity. I am trying to get work, but my W doesn't think I am. She couldn't have a lower opinion of me if she tried. How could I ever convince her I was worth another chance?

[Can it work]

Mark

I think you just have to accept that your W is not going to help you improve your self esteem so you need to stop looking to her for that. Look elsewhere for people who appreciate you and can tell you you're doing well. Coming here is one such place. There are many people on here, including myself, who can see a huge improvement in you since you started posting. Don't let your W take that away from you. Don't let her own irrational behaviour take you down. It's her who's acting like the spoiled child and you need to rise above that.

I know it's easier said than done but try and look at it objectively. Her opinion of you at this moment in time is not the issue and it doesn't in any way reflect realistically on the person you are. Focus on the things she's doing wrong right now and draw strength from them. I know in your place I too would be really pissed at her for arguing in front of the kids when she knows it upsets them. At this moment in time your W has a real mean streak and quite frankly is not being a very nice or fair person. Is that the type of person whose opinion is worthy or accurate? I would suggest not. Take control of these situations Mark. Like Karen said, break off the conversation as soon as she's getting in to that arguing mode. I also agree with PM though. You shouldn't change your agreed times with your kids so far as possible. You need to be a rock for them. I would suggest that everything else in your life needs to be changed before that. If you have a therapy session, get it rescheduled. It's too late to do that now but bear it in mind for next time. You have to come across as a strong and dependable father.

Kev

[markhaving probs]

Thanks Kev,

Thank you for the support. I think I have improved in looking at my relationship with my children. I have prioritised them rather than not see them on a gym night like tonight for instance when I have said I would give them dinner tonight instead, this is a big 180 for me.

She sent me a text earlier saying we have our own lives to lead, she wants to re-build her future and do things for herself. I guess I just need to ignore this sort of text as it deflates me and I wonder if I am wasting my time trying to reconcile as she clearly sees no reason to get back together. She also sent my sister a letter saying she hopes her and her family have a happy life together.

It looks to me as my W has already moved on and I feel really awful knowing this is what she has decided and is moving on with her life.

[markhaving probs]

I have had a terrible day and I think I have wrecked any chance of a reconcilliation in the future.

My W came and dropped the children off for tea, she wasn't wearing her wedding rings. I asked her in for a cup of tea and she accepted which I thought was progress. She looked great and I don't know why but I asked her if she was happy with the progress of the divorce. She answered "definately", I then asked her if she felt she had made the right decision. Again she answered "oh yes I have. I have not missed you since you have been away, and I am looking forward to re-building my life.....". I felt devastated at this and started to feel sick and giddy. I also felt quite angry.

I am due to move back to the family home in June when my W and the children move to her parents house while they on a long holiday. My W asked me to vacate the house on October 5th when they return, but I would still be paying the mortgage on the property until the end of November. I stated I would NOT be leaving the house until the end of November. She has threatened me legally and also used the children again, saying I am selfish and not looking after their needs. I feel as she has no intention of reconcilling I thought I don't care what she thinks anymore.

She stormed out and said she would be back at 8.00pm. My daughter then rang her to ask her something, she was not at the family home, I then spoke to her and for the second time today I said "where are you, at your boyfriends house"? She refused to tell me where she was even though she does not have to, but I am mad at myself and her.

She said if you really want to know what I have been doing - she then told me she had been to London with her toxic friend to a night club recently, stayed over at a hotel etc etc. She then said she was going to another club this Friday, which is nothing to do with me but it is like she is punishing me, and I am punishing myself for asking.

When she arrived to pick up the children, she told me was sick of me prying into her business (twice today alone), accusing her of having a boyfriend which she denied and general smothering her. She said she was happy to come in for a cup of tea earlier, but I had completely ruined it by my accusations. She is now not bringing the children over on Thursday as she does not want more interrogation.

I have completely blown any chance (if I had to start with) of re-establishing a relationship with my stupid actions and words. Any small progress I might have made has been completely blown away. I completely lost my cool because I saw her and I wanted to just hold her but I do not think I ever will again.

[JKL2009]

I know it is tough and it is easy to get down, but don't feel like your have blowen everyhting. Things play out over many months, not just one day. This stuff is all so complex and confusing for everyone, your W, you, just like for all of us and our own cases. I know exactly how you feel, and what I have been trying to do is do that weird duality of 1) accepting the facts and seeing that she is not going to come back to me and 2) having faith that down the road I can make changes in myself to make her doubt her decision. Good luck, and don't forget there are others here like you who hope for you too.

[cire2]

Hey Mark, I have also blown it multiple times with multiple women. Don't beat yourself up.
She may indeed be punishing you but don't feed it.

Crap, I fed it so badly and got my XW so angry she embellished some of the crap I was doing and got a restraining order on me. Don't go there, leave her be and start over with Db'ing.

Hey 2 years later and I'm friends and talking with XW again, even some flirting. Go figure.

Not so with GF because of my backslides so I'm starting over also. You can do this!

cire

[markhaving probs]

Thanks guys,

I need to hear some positive vibes. I think the best thing I can do now is leave her be and let the dust settle.

I hate to think I am back to square one.