John, I hope you were able to enjoy today with your daughter and maybe your W if she even tried for your D. Tomorrow is a new day and the opportunity for you to have a fresh start and recharge your batteries. Take a deep breath and relax...the next few months for you are going to be rough...and yes, it will make you a better person if you do not let it get you down. In your position as a SNCO empathy for your airmen is important and you can use this to help them.
You must prepare yourself for this trip that no one wants to take...much worse than Iraq. First you have to decide if you want your wife...no matter what you feel right now I guarantee you that you will pray for a divorce a hundred times before this is over...you will wish your W will file so you are not the bad guy and can blame it on her...normal.
Your W has demonsrated zero guilt so far and as long as this affair is some romantic tale with no "real life" stress tossed in you will not see a change...that is why you need to find out who any of the OM are and expose. PDT has given you many ideas to save money...please see what you can do. If you can expose and end the affair you have a chance...if the affair continues you have no chance. No marriage can survive fantasy with no worries about bills, saving for the future, kids, deployments, missed promotions, etc. Again, nothing you have told us here tells me you are a bad husband or a father...nothing.
Forget any idea you may have for a "good" divorce...it is not going to happen. You do not have the moral right to deny your D the financial support she needs to be succesful in life...when it comes to divorce you ask for everything. I know what a MSgt makes and your W will be expected to pay CS of about $750 per month until your D turns 18. This is base pay, BAH, and BAS...this is in addition to what you two decide to do with any other marital debt such as the house. I would recommend you try to have her pay a portion until your D turns 18 and then sale the house and split the profits or you buy her out. Your lawyer should discuss this with you.
Your idea of no contact sounds good on paper but is probably not going to happen right now and will not until you start the divorce and she is served. I do think it is a good idea as long as you feel that this weekend went well. The only reason it went anything other than crap is because the OM is gone...which is why you need to expose...when he is gone your W wants to see you and D...with him scheduled to PCS in Oct I would not think he will take leave again unless he can schedule it with a TDY. So that means this was your last chance to demonstrate to your W that you are a great guy, which you are. Now is the time to force a decision...she is either married or she is having an affair in violation of the UCMJ and disrupting good order and discipline...the UCMJ is a tool you have that most do not...use it.
Take care of yourself and continue to prepare for your future. You must prepare your personal finances...you are not where you need to be. You have many options that you need to use before this starts...do you need to refinance your house? Remove yourself from any joint credit cards? Car insurance, STAR, club card, etc...fix this first. If you have to sale your jet-ski then sale it...with no formal separation I am worried about your W running up a massive amount of debt until Oct, telling you she was wrong, coming home, acting like she loves you until the bills are paid off and doing the same thing again...dragging this out until your D is 18 and doing the same...it is so hard to guess. I do not know the specifics on your and her bills but with you both being so high ranking you will be shocked at what people will do to protect the retirement check and keep trying to get E8/9 pay...even when they do not deserve the promotion...she has already proven she should not be a MSgt...and you can bet money she already thinks she should be a Senior and a Chief. Her fantasy about being a warrant officer is just that...a fantasy.
Wake up in the morning with a plan...write it down and do it...review daily, seek advice. Your CC is your friend...I would like to see your 1St Sgt involved...they have much more influence than you think...they are brain washed at school to fix this stuff. Get a lawyer, ask for everything you can get, do not back off trying to "smooch" your W...your D has rights also, expose - if you feel that you do not have enough stuff go see her CC (tell your CC what you are doing) and her Shirt (tell your Shirt)...nothing matters until this affair is over. No Lt Col married to a Col is going to give up his career for a 15 yr married twice divorced MSgt...expose all four A and then work on your marriage.
Harsh, I know...you cannot keep being the backup. Your own pride is important and will stop you from turning into her best friend and hanging out while she is sleeping with another man...I am pro-marriage until she starts treating you like xxxx...no more talks with your D about her boyfriend (supervised visits), no more sleep overs, get all of her stuff out of your house, no more anything, it seems counter productive but is the only chance you have to save your marriage.
You have tools that civilians do not have...use them. GO see her CC and Shirt for support...let her shop know. If you don't you are guaranteed to be one of those crusty MSgt's divorced and alone...forget trying to protect her...guaranteed her shop already knows more than you do.
Your marriage is not over but you must step-up and get busy. If you do nothing nothing will change...shake the tree and rattle her chain...every day. Let her worry every time the phone rings....let her know you do not want to see or talk to her until the A is over...and don't you sit waiting for her to be done screwing this OM. Revenge is living a better life...
