Wow, I'm feeling you. This is hard stuff. It sounds like you handled it really well. I have felt that feeling pervasively that I am giving H the impression that this is ok with me. How can I live with that? BUT, the truth is that I did say everything there was to say. Actually, I was saying it before H physically left. And every time I think, "oh, this is the one that will do it..." nothing changes and then another one pops up. So, really this is more about cheeseless tunnels and recognizing that whining, crying, judging, dissecting, they don't make things better. On the contrary, I have noticed that being matter of fact, upbeat and acknowledging the things H does that work for me, lead to results I like. Now, granted, this is within a paradigm that we both know is not what I want and I am looking at what kind of interaction I want NOW, based on the reality of our circumstances.
I will say, against most DBers advice I think, if you have something that you feel you have not expressed or need to just once (and I mean once), it isn't going to kill the whole thing. You have to be right in your own heart and when you look back, know that you were honest. I strongly believe you have said enough and he seems to really get it already so if you can, move on from that.
Also, I want H to know how hard this is, how much I suffer but, guess what? We went through a separation before and subsequently I shared with him the utter trauma of that experience and he apologized and seemed to "get it." That didn't stop him from leaving again. This is about him and his journey, not me. I am collateral damage at this point and I am starting to get why the guilt is just more destructive. Do I want him to come back because he feels guilty? Or because he thinks I can't manage without him? What kind of jacked up relationship will that be? I do think that duty and loyalty should factor in but that is his journey to take. Can we make them men? Or build their characters? No way.
I'm sorry, it sucks.
Your sitch has hope. It doesn't matter what anyone says. He has to figure his cr*p out. If we are pissed or fed up or don't think it is fair, well, we have our own recourse, right? It is up to you how long or how much you are willing to hold on to a space in your heart for him. I know it isn't "fair" but we could bail, we could take off, or get boyfriends or split custody 50/50 if we don't want the lion share. We choose to be the stable ones because we are capable and that is who we are. And, to alleviate the resentment and feeling of being scr*wed, we have to only do what we are comfortable doing and not be martyrs and not give them guidance that we can't accept getting zero acknowledgement for. You get my drift?
BTW- my H is far away right now and yes we have contact and I have hurts and fears and sadness and mental gymnastics, but, the space is so magnificent in getting clarity. Take your space as best you can. You are doing so well.
