@all I am pretty clear that my W ia conflicted and sitting on the fence right now. I see signs that she is working on the R herself. I am also aware that she could be silently planning an escape. For this reason, I know that some part of my fears are real and valid.
That being said, I can also clearly see that those fears are overblown and magnified. As I said, I am not really "afraid" of a D. I have looked at it, stared at it, and realized that I could handle it.
The deep painful part is the fear of rejection by a person upon whom I am emotionally dependent. This is what I need to break. It is what makes me crazy now when we are still together, it is a good part of the problem I brought into the R, and if we do D, it would be the biggest thing I have to overcome.
@FB2 I am not sure what you mean by "launch a massive preemptive strike on multiple fronts". Are you suggesting that I leave her before she gets a chance to leave me? Other than making sure I am prepared legally for the possible worst case, I am not sure what you mean.
@OrangeDog When I mentally put myself in a D situation (hypothetically imagining my self in that end result) then I find emotions similar to yours - sad, relieved that things are coming to some sort of closure, and even a bit excited about the possibilities that would be opening up.
These emotions, however are not particularly strong and aren't what is driving me right now.
The really strong emotions seem to be fears of emotions themselves - fear of being hurt by betrayal or abandonment.
I am trying to learn to "self-sooth through this so that I can stop being so reactive.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
"Other than making sure I am prepared legally for the possible worst case, I am not sure what you mean." Yes, that's exactly what I mean; and emotionally, financially and spiritually too; it could be much more devastating than you can imagine at this point so it help to prepare. That hurt you sense is yourself telling you to prepare.
I am going to go talk to a divorce lawyer when I get back from this vacation.
I am in no way ready to initiate D, and I honestly don't believe my W is either. I think she is actually more afraid of a D than I am, and has told me that she is really afraid that if she were to initiate a D that I would get "all ugly and confrontational about it".
That being said, it is in mu best interest to take a real hard look at this worst case option - even if just to stare it down and see for myself that I could handle it.
I am a bit nervous about the potential escalation - I go talk to a L, so dhe does, then the L's get involved, etc...I have not talked to one yet for this very reason.
Any advice from anyone in a similar sitch? I really want to just talk to a L for info, advice and preparedness, and not to start anything.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I know the concerns you and W have about attorneys. Read any legal site and just feel those hackles raise on the back of your neck. It was not the experience I wanted nor did I want to create a big fight when reconciliation was a possibility. Escalation is certainly a possibility but you can avoid it.
I went to a lawyer to prepare myself. He was a mediator recommended by a dbing-friendly counselor. He was by no means a shark but just a level-headed attorney who didn't believe in fighting childish divorces.
My first visit I paid cash and didn't tell W about it. I just went through a list of questions I had and got some insight into the process. Got his card, shook hands, and told him I hope we never meet again.
When W and I got in argument about house and moving. I got out his card and list of questions. Not to show I wanted a fight but I was prepared.
W sent me a draft of a settlement agreement the next day (she is an atty), so I went to his office, we looked through it, and responded back with his recommendations. W hit me that evening with, "I didn't think you'd show this to a lawyer. Don't you trust me?" "Indeed, I trust you and the atty said the settlement was very fair but Orangedog don't do law. Whatever you send to me, I'm going to turn around and send right to him. No judgement on my part. It's just business."
We dropped it that evening and haven't brought it up since. I didn't start a fight but I showed I was an adult and ready to take care of business.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
she is really afraid that if she were to initiate a D that I would get "all ugly and confrontational about it".
Gosh, Batman! Really?! Divorce -- "ugly and confrontational"? Whodathunk?
Quote:
I am a bit nervous about the potential escalation
I had precisely the same fear. But then I mojoized it. Because operating in an information-free zone does me no good; I needed to be read-in on what my rights are and so forth. The money piece, for example -- assume it's a continuous distribution bounded 0,1. I know what "0" is -- had no idea just how big "1" is. Now that I do, I know where I can bargain, I know what my points of reversion are, I know what my reservation price is.
Lawyers don't have to make things ugly and confrontational. Well, at least not ugly. Because they know the law.
"Confrontational"? Anchors aweigh; that ship sailed when WAW walked.
W sent me a draft of a settlement agreement the next day (she is an atty), so I went to his office... W hit me that evening with, "I didn't think you'd show this to a lawyer. Don't you trust me?" "...Whatever you send to me, I'm going to turn around and send right to him. No judgement on my part. It's just business."
Dawg! Mojo in the hizzie, yo!
Not that WAW needs this pointed out, but she can't draft a settlement agreement and expect you to sign it without counsel. Won't hold up in court. She knows better than that. She has a conflict-of-interest in the matter.
she is really afraid that if she were to initiate a D that I would get "all ugly and confrontational about it".
Gosh, Batman! Really?! Divorce -- "ugly and confrontational"? Whodathunk?
Yep, whodathunkit?
Mrs. Thinker actually told me the other day that she is still thinking that D would be the best solution for her, but she is afraid of "who I would become in a D"
She used an example of a conversation we had a month or so ago. Funny, I remember that conversation, but don't recall being ugly at all. In my recollection of the convo she started talking about her fantasy D - happy kids happily living with her in our house while I moved out, coparented, continued full support of her as a SAHM, and took the kids on the weekends. I replied that in no circumstances would I accept less than joint custody, that I had no intentons of being the one to move out, and that no matter who the kids were with at the time, they would have to be in full time day care because even with child support, etc she would have to go back to work full time in order to support herself and the expense of a second household.
So that is what she calls ugly and confrontational - bluntly stated reality.
What would she call something that is truly ugly?
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
My sitch is pretty much the same, my wife is also a sahm. She did go see an atty I have not yet. I had the same fear as you. I work with an atty at my job and he pretty much filled me in.
The atty she saw basically told her a fantasy based on her lies to him about me always working and never home.
What it comes down to is income. I make a good size income and she makes 0. Our state has a child support calculator you just punch the numbers in and that is how much you pay.... it is shocking I must say. As far as the house, in my state I can buy her out and keep it I do not have to sell it.
One thing your wife should try to understand is that she will not be able to live on the child support While it is allot of money it is not enough, so she will have to get job unless she has other means.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
