Hey AK...today has been another rough one. I came this weekend up to my hometown and have been staying with my mom. I took the kids to my in-laws and spent some time over there. It was hard, and I think it made me break down...being there seems so normal until I remember that it isn't just another visit without H while he is out of town...that I don't even know where he is and what he is doing. He is still my husband...and today I feel like I am really mourning our relationship...the way i could just call and say i love you or i miss you because he was my "person". having someone (namely H!) who calls because that's just what we do. I just got off the phone with H and we had a pleasant convo...or I tried my best at least. We were making plans for him to have the kids this week. I told him I wanted him to have them overnight this weekend and he agreed, although he has to get back to me because he doesn't know his work schedule for sure. I told him I needed to know ASAP so I could finalize plans for my trip...which doesn't exist yet...I made it up. He asked where I was going and I said away for the weekend...he asked why I was being so evasive about it. I said I was just going up to San Francisco to visit a friend. We talked about finances and how we need to sit down and go over the $$ situation. He said he knew this was hitting us hard financially and that he is at fault for choosing this situation, but that we need to sort it out so we are all ok. I was very upbeat during the conversation and ended it first just saying that we would sit and work it all out and I have to get going. The crazy thing is, the better we get along, the more I feel like the DB ISN'T working...like I am giving him what he wants. I know this is not rational, trust me. Today is not a rational day for me though!!! I feel like being so amicable will make this seem right in his eyes. His Dad told me today that H told him the same thing about "not closing any doors on the marraige". WTF? I mean, he is full steam ahead with the seperation, but not going anywhere near divorce yet. It confuses me. I know tomorrow will be a better day, there is no way it couldn't...today was so bad. Bootstraps...time to get up!!!!
if you're a witch about things, you feed his doubts and justification for leaving you. If you are friendly and gracious, he can't hate you and is forced to look at himself his contributions to the problems in your R. How can he blame you for the problems when you're understanding, flexible and friendly? Hmmm...? Something to think about and I believe that's straight out of the DR book.
thanks forthe reminder mnt. it is true...and that is why I AM taking the DB technique and the high road. the thing is...should I be worried that he ISN'T blaming me for the R problems???!! He says stuff like it is not you...you have done nothing wrong...I know it is all my fault. and then proceeds with the seperation. so, there is never going to be the day when he "realizes" it is not my fault...and comes back...???
I guess only time will tell, Nicole. Try not to think about H and what may be/might be too much. Of course your thoughts will wander in that direction, but try to distract yourself. Read, listen to music, call a friend, post here... something different. Have you posted a list of GAL activities? What are your plans to distract yourself and be good to yourself?
Wow, I'm feeling you. This is hard stuff. It sounds like you handled it really well. I have felt that feeling pervasively that I am giving H the impression that this is ok with me. How can I live with that? BUT, the truth is that I did say everything there was to say. Actually, I was saying it before H physically left. And every time I think, "oh, this is the one that will do it..." nothing changes and then another one pops up. So, really this is more about cheeseless tunnels and recognizing that whining, crying, judging, dissecting, they don't make things better. On the contrary, I have noticed that being matter of fact, upbeat and acknowledging the things H does that work for me, lead to results I like. Now, granted, this is within a paradigm that we both know is not what I want and I am looking at what kind of interaction I want NOW, based on the reality of our circumstances.
I will say, against most DBers advice I think, if you have something that you feel you have not expressed or need to just once (and I mean once), it isn't going to kill the whole thing. You have to be right in your own heart and when you look back, know that you were honest. I strongly believe you have said enough and he seems to really get it already so if you can, move on from that.
Also, I want H to know how hard this is, how much I suffer but, guess what? We went through a separation before and subsequently I shared with him the utter trauma of that experience and he apologized and seemed to "get it." That didn't stop him from leaving again. This is about him and his journey, not me. I am collateral damage at this point and I am starting to get why the guilt is just more destructive. Do I want him to come back because he feels guilty? Or because he thinks I can't manage without him? What kind of jacked up relationship will that be? I do think that duty and loyalty should factor in but that is his journey to take. Can we make them men? Or build their characters? No way.
I'm sorry, it sucks.
Your sitch has hope. It doesn't matter what anyone says. He has to figure his cr*p out. If we are pissed or fed up or don't think it is fair, well, we have our own recourse, right? It is up to you how long or how much you are willing to hold on to a space in your heart for him. I know it isn't "fair" but we could bail, we could take off, or get boyfriends or split custody 50/50 if we don't want the lion share. We choose to be the stable ones because we are capable and that is who we are. And, to alleviate the resentment and feeling of being scr*wed, we have to only do what we are comfortable doing and not be martyrs and not give them guidance that we can't accept getting zero acknowledgement for. You get my drift?
BTW- my H is far away right now and yes we have contact and I have hurts and fears and sadness and mental gymnastics, but, the space is so magnificent in getting clarity. Take your space as best you can. You are doing so well.
thanks forthe reminder mnt. it is true...and that is why I AM taking the DB technique and the high road. the thing is...should I be worried that he ISN'T blaming me for the R problems???!! He says stuff like it is not you...you have done nothing wrong...I know it is all my fault. and then proceeds with the seperation. so, there is never going to be the day when he "realizes" it is not my fault...and comes back...???
Words darling, just words. He is telling you what he needs to for reasons you will never know. And, it is very possible that he is wise enough to know that this is HIS problem and perhaps, he will sort his stuff out and come back. Please try not to dissect his words. You don't know what they mean.
Oh, last thing (LOL), I was reading a book on D and in it the H was saying that if his W hadn't been the b*tch he expected her to be, he would have never been able to leave her. She made it so easy. It is easier to walk away from a pitiful, broken, miserable person...probably wouldn't be for me because I am codependent and like saving people but when someone decides to leave and has already built up enough ammo to do so, well that vision of misery just wont bring them back.
should I be worried that he ISN'T blaming me for the R problems???!! He says stuff like it is not you...you have done nothing wrong...I know it is all my fault. and then proceeds with the seperation. so, there is never going to be the day when he "realizes" it is not my fault...and comes back...???
Nicole,
there is a ton of material you can read out there that (I think) will help you.
his statements are just one form of trying to cope with his guilt. By saying it is all his fault he is effectlively becoming the martyer. The same way people do when something bad happens. They step up to take the blame even when I really doesn't belong to them. Because it make them feel better about the situation.
This is not a whole lot different than if he made the statement that "you will be better off". It is his way of convincing himself he is doing this for you and not being selfish or bad. to cope with what he knows he is doing.
Don't put too much into this stuff. It is coping mechanisms that are taking place in the mind. Worry about what you can to help yourself and perhaps remind him of what he will miss (ie the person he married). A ton of stuff goes on in our minds.
Just like in the LBS who will take the entire blunt of the guilt even when all the people around them are telling them they shouldn't. Lot of phsycology goes on in this. Don;t let it drive you crazy!
Sorry you are here. Hang in there. You will get a lot of help from some very wise people
