PM Thread #5 - Hope new plan works

[PositivelyMommy]

Thank you very much 25yrs, Kev and Mark. I needed your words the last couple of days and I came back to the board to read it again and again. Now, I am feeling a little bit better.

First of all, Kev, thank you SO MUCH for sharing your life with me. I know it must be difficult to write those words and remind yourself the period of pain that you went thru as a child. You didn't write about your childhood before and I am touched that you chose to share it with me, to console me, at this time as I worry so much about the children. Thank you. They are doing a little better now. I think 'out of sight, out of mind'. Their dad won't come around till the weekend so I imagine the emotions will come back when he is around again and when he has to leave again. I am sure it will play out over the months as they get used to the idea of Dad 'leaving'.

But Kev's story of survival is a gratifying one.

Mark, thank you for your confidence in me and in your encouraging words. I try very hard to be strong and to retain a decent R with H as I don't want any of us to suffer more than is absolutely necessary. That is why I am still DB'ing. I want the kids to have a loving dad and that means I have to work with H, to encourage him, to comfort and console him even. It's no good if he fell apart now, not good for anyone. And really, I really do wish the best for him. I have cared for him for most of my life, I cannot stop now, it's not in my nature. I really do want him to find peace within himself and some happiness. But I know it's a difficult journey for him since he is not an immoral man, just a man who made immoral decisions and bad choices. He will suffer for these.

25yrs, I know that God is looking after me. When I was at my lowest point last year, I didn't have a job, my family was far away, I lost my best friend (H) and my kids young and innocent. Since then I have had a year to become stronger, to work on myself and I found that God has provided me with the very things that I needed.

I found two good counsellors, I became closer to my family than ever, 2 girlfriends became my close confidants (to replace H's friendship) and I now have several part time jobs and volunteer work to help with my self-esteem and empowerment.

I do not operate out of fear anymore (listening Mark?) I feel a sense of control over my life, I see options and good choices to mull over. Opportunities that were not available to me before have suddenly appeared. I feel very blessed.

I am not bothered by OW anymore. I feel sorry for this woman who has such low self-respect for herself that she feels she doesn't deserve a happy, well-balanced, free man. I know she will have a very tough road ahead of her regardless of whether she stays with my H or not. I do not see her as shiny and attractive and better than me. I see her as pathetic, lonely and without direction.

I DO feel things are going to go well for me. It's a strange feeling to have when your M is going down the dumps. Maybe it really is the way things were meant to happen for me. Maybe God saw that I needed more in my life, a change. Maybe change is NOT a bad thing. Maybe I DO deserve better than H, not just in the sense of another man but more quality of life for ME.

I don't think that I was unhappy with H. I liked being his W, his confidant, his partner. But I see now that he had something missing in his life. He doesn't know what it is and is looking very hard for it now (new job, new woman etc). Because of this, I was made to look very hard into my life and find other meaning into it. That's OK. I am not bitter anymore. Nothing is forever, nothing is guaranteed.

I know that if I ever find someone else to love, I would love them in the same way. To give my all, to be open (not secretive), to offer everything. H cannot do that with OW as he has compartmentalized his life, but hey, that is his choice, it doesn't have to be mine.

As for the kids. They are showered with hugs by me. I let them be sad, I encourage them to talk about their feelings. I remind them of all the people who love them. I let them know that they are taken care of. My parenting style has not changed. I know I do a damn good job as a Mom and I will continue to do so. We will just take this one step at a time and I will let God take me where I need to be.