How do I not let this control my every thought?

[Travis]

kat,
yes, I have an attorney. Actually, i signed papers this morning for a temporary custody hearing, papers for my answers to the divorce seeking custody of the kids, and replies to their motions. My attorney still says it's less than 50 pct that I'll get custody, but he says it's something we have to do right now. She's had my kids sleeping at his house on the couch two weeks after moving out while "Mommy sleeps in her really good friend's bed." She had the nerve to allow him to pick my youngest up at daycare!
People wonder why there's so much divorce in the world. Well, when the system let's the women (sorry to all "good" women reading)do whatever they want with no consequences, there's going to continue to be tons of divorces. I wasn't the perfect husband, but far from a bad one. If there were consequences for her walking out and sleepiing around, maybe she would think about it and try to work it out like I asked her to at least try to do. Sorry for the rant, but if she's allowed to continue screwing up my kids, then I don't think I'll have any faith in the "system".

[Travis]

sandy,
I really do believe people can change, but I don't know that she could ever change enough to make me allow her to come back. Too many bridges have been burned. To this day, she still won't admit the affair, but she can have my kids spending the night there, him pick my kids up at daycare, and she brought his mother with her to pick my kids up on Mother's Day?
There is nothing I hate more in this world than for people to lie to me. And to have the one person I loved more in this world than anyone besides my children lie, time and again, right to my face makes me sick.
I've been doing a good job of detaching the last few days. It's hard, because I have to contact her for my kids and I feel like when I call her about them, she's still feeling like I'm trying to get hold of her for other reasons. I only ask about pick up times and all that jazz and that's it, but the fact that I have to call her every day or every other day drives me nuts. My job doesn't have a set schedule, so we always have to get together to discuss arrangements.
The bridges that have been burned can never be rebuilt, I'm afraid. I will never say "never", but very small chance. Whoever said love conquers all never had a cheating spouse that uses their kids as ammunition. There were times over the years that i even felt like my family loved my WAS more than they did me. That's how much she meant to my whole family. No she does this to not just me, but my kids and my whole family.
I'd be a liar if I said part of me didn't still love her, after all, it's only been 2 1/2 months since I found out about OM, but I don't think I'm capable of forgiving. OM I could have forgiven her for if she would have told me and we really tried. all the other b.s.? I just don't think it's possible. So I'm working really hard to keep busy and find things to do that allow me to not think about her/us when I don't have the kids. When I have the kids, you'd think I'd think about her more, but I actually don't. We just enjoy our time together and then it's over before we know it.


Thanks for your input.

[Travis]

how have you all dealt with disciplining the children during the separation? the reason i ask is because tonight I picked my boys up and we weren't 10 minutes down the road tonight and my youngest, almost 4, says "sh#t". I asked him what he said and he immediately started crying, knowing he was wrong.
Now, I was brought up in a strict household, not beatings, but I got whipped with a belt. I don't remember the last time I whipped my boys, never with a belt. My WAW grew up in a house with very little discipline. It's always been a bit of an issue with us.
Anyway, I told my son when we got home he was getting his mouth washed out with soap. When my oldest was 5, he cussed and my wife washed his mouth out with soap. Not actually washed it out, but made him sit there with a bar of soap in it for, like, 3 minutes. That's what I was planning to do. We are getting ready to go through a custody battle (if you read my earlier posts you will see why)so I call my WAW and told her what I was going to do and she said no way. My attorney just filed temporary custody papers, which she hasn't got yet, so I didn't want to get into a disciplinary issue.
I asked her why it was okay for her to do it to the oldest when he was 5, but I am not to do it to our youngest. He's always been the baby and her discipline has gotten even more scarce since "the bomb". She said no way was I doing that. I've been doing a good job of detaching this week and didn't want an argument now so I told her I wouldn't.
I feel like this is just another case of her wanting control. Some of you may not agree with my form of punishment, but it was okay with her before, but not now.
Opinions, please.

[kat727]

You need to stay consistent. When the kids were younger and said a bad word, I would try to pass over it only because when you put so much attention on it they say it again and again to get a reaction. They would usually just stop saying it. If they were old enough to really understand it was a minute with a bar of soap for every year old they were. Same if they get mouthy with me.

Don't get me wrong, I have cut them some slack during these past 3 years of Hades but more discipline is coming as necessary. Your boys are very young, I bet your 4 year old was only repeating what he heard. Maybe ask your wife to watch her language around the kids...in a diplomatic way of course.

kat

[Travis]

kat,
diplomatic? if i say the sky is blue, she will say it's a light shade of purple. I'm so ready for the b.s. games to be over with. i just want to go on with my life and raise my boys to be the best young men they can be. the mental games wear me out physically so much. just want it all to be over. my 4 year old is young, but he's smart as a whip. as soon as i asked him what he said, he began crying. he knew he was wrong. his mom wanted to talk to him and he cried even harder when she asked him what he had said. right now there is no consistency, and once she gets the custody hearing notice, i'm sure there will be no discipline whatsoever. this is just another case of the kids being put in the middle.
i'll continue to do my best to not put them in the middle and it's actually getting easier every day to detach.
thanks for all your replies to my questions. it's really appreciated.

[Travis]

Why does the sadness continue to come back at the worst times.
I only found this site a few weeks ago, unfortunately. Basically, only started detaching the last two weeks.
I just had the best weekend with my kids yet. Now I'm sitting here and I'm just f-ing miserable. This house is so quiet it's not even funny.
I know it's only been two weeks, but I haven't even seen the hint of a chink in her armor. Of course, if it's in her face I wouldn't see it because I can't even stand to look her in the eyes. I go to get my boys or she comes here to pick them up and it's "Love you, boys. Be good for Mom. See you Tuesday." then it's back to the house. It hurts to have the woman you love more than anyone in the world besides your kids, do things to you that makes you feel as if you can't even look her in the eye.
But, damn, her legs sure looked nice and long and tan yesterday. LOL.
I've done pretty good the last couple weeks, just feeling low and sorry for myself today. Maybe it's the housework and job work that is looming that I have to eventually make myself do that is depressing me more today. It's almost noon. I've been putting them off for a few hours now.
Hope everyone enjoyed the first big summer holiday weekend. I know I did.

[Travis]

I'm so dense. I'm wondering what's making me in such a horrible mood today, besides the kids being gone, and I look down and there's the divorce papers that I need to fill out by tomorrow so my attorney can get to work and protect my a$$ from whatever destruction my WAW has planned.
That is the one thing that amazes me most. Pre-sorry to any women I offend. Why do WAW's think they can go do whatever to whomever they want and then they just automatically get to take the kids and go live their "happy" little life?
And then I'm the bad guy when I fight for what I believe is right for my kids because I don't just lay down and let her do whatever she wants?
I love the summer months. The time of year you can go outside pretty much every day. I have a strange feeling, this is going to be a summer that I won't soon forget. And not for the good reasons.

[kat727]

Hon, it isn't just the wives, husbands are like that too. They see the mistakes they made and now think they can just threaten you and you will cave.

It does get better. I know you would do anything to have your life back but just realize that even if she comes back it won't be like it was. It HAS to be different.

It has taken me a long time to get here. I wanted to make sure all my stones were unturned. He won't be coming back, he won't be allowed back in. I have moved on. I am not with someone(though I have someone on my mind). I didn't think it was fair to make someone go through all of this too. Besides the last thing we need is a band aide.

Make the rest of today special.

kat

[Travis]

She's burned enough bridges I don't think it could ever be fixed. From the ex-parte with no merit, the lies, the using the boys against me. I want to stop loving. I want to just move on. I'm so lonely right now it makes me sick. But i don't even have the desire to go out and try to find someone. Not even if only for a "night".
I don't expect to miraculously be able to get her out of my mind. After all, 11 years and 2 boys, but I'm so mad at my self for still loving her. For crying out loud, she had MY MOTHER watch our boys while I was on a business trip while she went and saw her OM.
I think what still bothers me is that, to this day, she won't admit she's with this guy. She even called one of our mutual friends out of the blue last Thursday and said she didn't know what friend was hearing, but she wanted her to know that she and OM are just good friends. That they just laugh about all the rumors going around about him and her. Funny, I ask boys how their weekend with mom was and they say,"Good, we spent the night at (OMs) house and mommy slept in (OMs) bed." Boy, I could use a "friend" like that about now. LOL
I'm a reasonably intelligent man, and I know this is just going to take time. Only problem is that "patience" has never been my forte'. And this is the biggest issue I've ever had in my life.
Thanks for the advice. I know most of the answers, it just helps me sometimes to get on here and rant and have someone re-inforce what I know I should be doing and how hard it's going to be.
I kinda wish I actually knew if I would take her back if she came, or not. I've asked myself that, and I know that's not even something I'm to be worrying about at this stage, but I truly don't even know the answer. The woman I dealt with the last 7 weeks or so is not even a resemblance of the woman I agreed to spend the rest of my life with.
Just ramblings. Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

[mdoodles]

i know exactly how u feel, u are not alone.

why cant they admit it? i guess because it makes it too real to them, because they know it is wrong.

its aweful and its hard but we will all make it through.

its amazing, i have been at this for so so so long, and i remind myself that somehow i keep on going.

take care of your boys, that is what i focus on. they need atleast one stable parent.

and i tell myself this - one day they will know the truth. when they grow up, they will know. they will know what we did for them, how we tried to save our marriage, how we were the ones that had the respect for our families.