Yes, despite my disdain for formal education, I fell in love with $10 words at a very young age...
AK, VERY interesting comment...you seem to regret not having a degree or maybe I hear envy there, and you resented H for it and how it affects your earning ability today and makes you feel stuck...although I've told you that you offer an employer a lot, you ASSUME you won't be able to earn as much from an employer b/c you lack the credential which you also "disdain"??...and yet...you lament the lack thereof. What? Ak, Geez honey you are filled with some serious fears and regrets and self doubts and resentments all rolled into a big ball. And I don't know what or how your h is, or fits into that but I look so forward to hearing about your life and happiness WITHOUT him even if you were to stay together...meaning I'd love to see you as yourself = without your baggage added on, and see what the unfettered AK can do!
Nicole, so glad to see you process all this out here. You do some healthy thinking and you get somewhere. True, you don't "have to move" home but why wouldn't you? Whatever you are doing is working as far as getting him to notice. Don't know what's in his mind and heart and MIGHT NOT EVER...so don't even waste another iota of energy on it. You are happier.
Isn't your future and the security of your children, sufficiently complex and exciting to contemplate for now? Yes, "exciting" b/c as you cast aside your fears and visualize yourself without your h AND yet feeling HAPPY, you empower your ability to move forward. Set aside the fears and start embracing the future. When the great comedian Gilda Radner faced her cancer's return, she lamented the "ambiguity" of her life. Not knowing if she could move forward, working and making plans, or if "this was it" and she should just put her things in order.
She realized to some extent, we ALL live with that ambiguity. Sure it's more pronounced in a cancer patient or someone in your sitch but limbo sucks and drains you of LIFE...besides, Your h may wake up, OR not. Maybe in time, maybe too late. You may start to see him as he really is now, and therefore NOT want him in your life. BTW At this point in your process it is usually healthy to see these negatives, not to block your own growth, but b/c it is far more accurate, so go ahead and let yourself see the negatives in the WAS.
Too often the LBSer starts revising the m history inversely to the way the WAS does. Whereas the WAS paints a nightmarish picture of what was going on in the M to justify leaving or cheating or waffling or all three, the LBSer paints some celestial existence in which they were "SO HAPPY" and ONLY with the WAS will they ever be happy again and blah blah blah and the facts are that it was somewhere in between BUT likely a lot closer to the negative than the positive. Why? B/C the WAS usually IS a selfish person who's been lashing out cruelly as the guilt or ego crap ate away at them. so I say for now, go with that...
But then, we all must do as Gilda Radner said and "Embrace the ambiguity" of life. Tomorrow is promised to no one. Our family has had 3 deaths in the past year, 2 of whom were close to me and my MIL is terminally ill now with advanced lung cancer. This will likely be her season. It's been like a "death watch/vigil" the past 14 months. So yeah, I mean it when I say "Life is short." Your h could wake up and "get it". I've seen it happen. People can change if THEY want to.
You are doing well and the biggest reason is b/c you know you can and will be happy with or without your h. That linchpin is essential to your future happiness. You are in charge of your happiness and how your life goes, not your h. Teach your children this or they'll always place their happiness in someone else's hands where it will never belong.
MILITARY--last I checked, at 15 years the LBS gets a year or two of transitional health care from the military and at 20, gets lifetime health care provided. (Those are years in which the marriage AND time in service overlap, so you are at 8 now, not ten. ) That only concerns health care from the military, not retirement. Separate the years of M and service and who is asking, ie the state or the military. For instance 10 years of M relates to support or alimony IN SOME STATES. Are you in CAL? If so, 10 years is the informal guideline for labelling a M as "long term", and therefore one in which support and relative incomes are considered. IOW if you were newly m, then marrying a millionaire who makes 23456% more than you would not be relevant (without kids). Courts don't like "alimony" much these days, EXCEPT in long term M's pretty much, and or with other factors like moving around for a soldier's career/duty and then getting left behind without a network or support system or skill set that pays well.
As for medical coverage, These are minimal military terms, so that is the FLOOR of what you'll get, not the ceiling. So the state you file in may increase it AND the time periods may have changed. I would not be surprised if 10 gives you something for health care now. (For sure you'll qualify for a reduced COBRA rate but that could still be high but you won't be denied AND as long as the h is in the military the KIDS WILL HAVE COVERAGE).
My younger sister, the SVON, was M to an AF Pilot for 13 years with NO children and no work history, though she had a college degree. She got part of his retirement and always will, as it is NOT aliimony, it is RETIREMENT...is it fair? Well it's my sister so I'm glad she got something, and she was a basketcase. I'm glad he signed off on it as I knew she'd never get a better deal than that without kids, etc, and his guilt meant there was OW (in my mind, which there was) and he married OW 30 days later.
But compare, my older sister in a diff state m to a non service member, was m for 22 years, and had 3 kids, and worked full time as an RN the whole M and put her h thru law school which tripled or quadrupled his earning power. Alimony? Um $150 a month until she remarried, and She got some child support of course (so "she" didn't get it, ) and the LUCRATIVE alimony ended when she remarried. Different states. Crazy. Yet the older sister never once complained about what she got and the younger one still does...14 years later she is ruled by how life sucks, blah blah blah. I mean her negative energy gets put out and brings it back to her. My older sister has always had a positive attitude, a centered sort of faith, the kind that strengthens her and enables her to face life on its' terms, with a good "I can do this" attitude, and she is a very positive and loving person. So of course she ran into love. As soon as she felt ready to date, men were there. Good men. She put them off for a good year or two before even dating at all. And She remarried. And she once said to me that as bad as the div was and how much she felt for her kid's pain,and would always love her ex h and would never want to go thru that again, etc, she'd ALSO "never go back" to what she and xh had, now that she "knows what it's like to be the priority in the M and her new h's life"...(her ex h did her a favor). But yes, she endured 2 years of hell before that became an apparent possibility to her.
Oh if you can stop the mind reading it'll help your sanity and make you much more productive. You won't waste time guessing. Your h knows how to use his mouth and can use words and actions to say "Hey don't move b/c I AM CHANGING AND MOVING BACK INTO THE HOUSE TO WORK ON THE M..." short of that, let him visit the kids and as he sees you moving forward in your life, DO NOT FEAR THAT HE'LL THINK YOU'VE MOVED ON SO THAT HE'LL GIVE UP...thats too crazy to believe and yet I read that here all the time. It'd be different if his complaint was that he never knew if you loved him.
Your h KNOWS YOU LOVE HIM AND THAT YOU DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE...he knows.He knows and he rejected the idea of making another try with you. So if it takes him seeing you or thinking he sees you with OM, to wake up or at least realize you are a good catch, or that he might lose you forever, & you are desirable and you are interesting and interested IN Life and not waiting around....that's a good good good thing. Too bad if it seems like high school, some of this sure is like that.
If God told you, or you had a time machine that told you (In case you have religious baggage we'll use the time machine analogy) that your h cannot abide by normal wedding vows and will stray, or will waffle again about leaving or staying every few years, and not ever truly have both feet in the M....what would you want to do now? Maybe you'd learn to live on your own, provide stability for the kids, let them see a woman happy with herself and without a man, or allow yourself the chance of meeting a healthy man and having a healthy R with one and letting your kids see that and letting yourself FEEL THAT...
Based on his recent and present behavior and what he tells you about his feelings...what do you think God is telling you? And see, the rub is that you believe something you say or do will make a difference but you cannot know. WE can't know if your will stay OR what would make him do so. WE CAN tell you what we've found that makes them LEAVE or STAY AWAY...and you sticking around and doing more of the same has done what for you so far? Dont' stop the one thing that has gotten any reaction from him. If he wants to use your moving a mere 2 hours away as an excuse for "him not trying anymore" (as if he had been trying) then he's looking for an excuse not to try
If you stay, he'll say you didn't give him space. I mean, do what's best for you and the kids. And stick with a decision until if and when HE gives you a reason (a REASON, not a hint or a look or a sigh or a blah blah blah) to change your mind.
Good luck,
(( j ))
AMERICAN IDOL....
OH I supported Adam lambert in AI big time!! Just as I thought Jennifer Hudson and Chris Daughtry and others would outpace the "winners"... but this contest was not close to me at all. Adam's vocal range and creative interpretations were unrivaled. Period. His note range is the best I've heard anywhere, including the Venice opera I heard last week in which the baritone AND soprano hit notes Adam can hit! His unique takes on songs were always brave even if you didn't care for them, he took risks and pushed the others to do so as well, including Kris, who credited Adam with his own pushing the envelope.
Kris Allen is a charming guy with a pleasant voice. Very likable. But to me, comparing them as singers is like comparing Michelangelo to Thomas Kincaid in an art contest.
Issues about Adam's sexual orientation or how much the judges praised him and thereby shoved their will onto folks, did not affect my view/vote but maybe they affected others. Such a drag. Plus I didn't care for not getting through on the phone most of the evening, for the first time. I literally only got through half the time but I cannot believe they did that on purpose at AI. MAybe the Kris people did or Cokey's folks went to Kris or whatever but I sure had my reasons and felt so strongly about it. Wish the tweens could only vote so many times and not put it on speed dial. That makes it a game of getting a few fraternities or such to "outvote" America. The competition itself Seemed unquestionable to me. Interesting.
Well At least both guys were class acts and gentlemen to the end.
Again, good luck Nicole and I look forward to hearing how things go. Oh, you know you are entitled to free legal assistance from JAG, right? Your h will not know if you don't tell him. If they say they cannot see you (due to a conflict of interest which they may not say to you) it means he's already been there. AND adultery is still a crime in the military and does not help one's career. FYI. But that's not to say for you to throw that charge around either...just info for you.
j-
Now you've lost weight, have a PMA and have big words to throw around...you're all set.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well...just an update...as of last night I got the last text from him and didn't respond...this morning I decided to respond with:
"I would never take the kids away to hurt you, however I am still trying to figure out what is best for the kids and me. Talk later."
He hasn't responded yet, but I DID get an e-mail from him saying "you are an amazing mother..." and then it had the fwd'd e-mail attached. You have probably already seen something like it before...but I am gonna post it here because it is too cute and funny! What to make of this though??? I have no idea...he NEVER e-mails me from work...????
WHY GOD MADE MOMS > Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions: > Why did God make mothers? > 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. > 2. Mostly to clean the house. > 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. > How did God make mothers? > 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. > 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. > 3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. > What ingredients are mothers made of? > 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. > 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. > Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? > 1. We're related. > 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me. > What kind of a little girl was your mom? > 1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. > 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. > 3. They say she used to be nice. > What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? > 1. His last name. > 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? > 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? > Why did your mom marry your dad? > 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot. > 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. > 3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on. > Who's the boss at your house? > 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. > 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. > 3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. > What's the difference between moms and dads? > 1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work. > 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. > 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends. > 4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine. > What does your mom do in her spare time? > 1. Mothers don't do spare time. > 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. > What would it take to make your mom perfect? > 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. > 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. > If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be? > 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. > 2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me. > 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
My favorite was... 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
25 "AK, VERY interesting comment...you seem to regret not having a degree or maybe I hear envy there, and you resented H for it and how it affects your earning ability today and makes you feel stuck...although I've told you that you offer an employer a lot, you ASSUME you won't be able to earn as much from an employer b/c you lack the credential which you also "disdain"??...and yet...you lament the lack thereof. What? Ak, Geez honey you are filled with some serious fears and regrets and self doubts and resentments all rolled into a big ball. And I don't know what or how your h is, or fits into that but I look so forward to hearing about your life and happiness WITHOUT him even if you were to stay together...meaning I'd love to see you as yourself = without your baggage added on, and see what the unfettered AK can do!"
LOL, I knew when I wrote that, it was a little off. My disdain for formal education came after my bio-dad's death. I got a very Carpe Diem attitude but with a negative twist. I knew how fleeting life was and chose to focus on what I liked and skip the rest, thus the As and Fs co-existing on my report card (my parents-mom and step-dad had fun with that).
Presently, I don't actually believe in regrets but I see the value in education and in having a degree and yes, it feels like a major hinderance when sending a resume cold. However, when I sit across from someone and can sell myself, I usually can make a good impression.
I do not "disdain" the credential nor do I regret...I was referring to the past when I was young and HAD to go to school.
25...I really soaked in all of the advice. That was a good one. I am almost worried that I am doing so well...I feel for the last few days that I am not just reading the advice on these posts I am agreeing with them. And believing them!!! More soon...gotta run.
Nicole, worries about doing so well are normal. You fear the other shoe dropping b/c you know you still have bad days ahead. You do. But you have good ones too and more of them so why not savor and enjoy them when they come? Two steps forward, one back, or 6 forward and 9 back and yada yada. It gets better!
As time passes and you gain strength and control in your life, you'll realize more fully that you can create the good days all by yourself, and minimize the number and extent of the bad ones. You are in charge of your happiness -and you are teaching your children that lesson!! What a gift.
((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25...Feeling sad tonight...thinking of what used to be. Checked in here specifically to re-read your post from yesterday...you really have a way of clearing the BS that clouds the mind. Thank you...I feel better already...this helped in particular...
"Maybe you'd learn to live on your own, provide stability for the kids, let them see a woman happy with herself and without a man, or allow yourself the chance of meeting a healthy man and having a healthy R with one and letting your kids see that and letting yourself FEEL THAT...
Based on his recent and present behavior and what he tells you about his feelings...what do you think God is telling you? And see, the rub is that you believe something you say or do will make a difference but you cannot know. WE can't know if your will stay OR what would make him do so. WE CAN tell you what we've found that makes them LEAVE or STAY AWAY...and you sticking around and doing more of the same has done what for you so far? Dont' stop the one thing that has gotten any reaction from him. If he wants to use your moving a mere 2 hours away as an excuse for "him not trying anymore" (as if he had been trying) then he's looking for an excuse not to try
If you stay, he'll say you didn't give him space. I mean, do what's best for you and the kids. And stick with a decision until if and when HE gives you a reason (a REASON, not a hint or a look or a sigh or a blah blah blah) to change your mind."
Yeah, "sad IS okay"...my d20 is an actress and made a comment months back about growing up and moving so much as a d of military and how it seemed to help her in auditions or character work...she said, "I'm okay being uncomfortable" and it helps her as an actress b/c she said "being uncomfortable just isn't that bad" and I realized what a simple lesson that is. Not just for actors. FOR EVERYONE HERE...so many of us writhe in our discomfort and want to avoid it at HIGH costs. Instead We should say "BFD". So we're uncomfortable. Uncomfortable is okay too. Besides, This too, shall pass. It has to.
Anyhow....I think it's a meat eating day and since I am a veteran, I'll send out prayers to our friends who've passed and to the ones left behind and an extra one for my oldest brother in Afghanistan. (The one who CRAVES the adrenaline rush of being there)....hope he gets it out of his system before it's too late.
God bless! (( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
