Newly Separated and Heartbroken

[ALJ]

My husband and I have been together since high school and neither one of us has had a relationship with anyone else. He was my first lover and I was his first lover. Our relationship has been virtually conflict free and our sex life is fine. We hardly ever argued but we have always had communication problems and issues with being affectionate toward one another. I was told that showing affection toward your spouse is supposed to happen naturally but we really had a hard time expressing it. Its not that I didn't want to be affectionate toward him but I guess I never knew how. I guess he didnt know how either and we both knew something was missing in our relationship but never really addressed it.

Another big issue in our marriage was us not spending enough time together. Unfortunately, I know I was to blame for a big portion of this problem. When we were newlyweds, we worked opposite shifts and could only see each other on the weekends. Instead of me reserving that time for us, I took my grandmother and cousins out shopping and anywhere else that they needed to go. I was the only one with a vehicle back then and they depended on me. And they knew I would not tell them no. Meanwhile, my husband sat at home alone. I believe he had an EA around this time. After awhile he started going out to clubs a lot and going away with his friends once or twice a year to Toronto. We as a couple never really traveled like we should have.

Our daughter came along in July of 2002. A year and one day later our second daughter came along. My focus mostly revolved around them. I took care of the household, bills, shopping and everything else. It seemed like I was pulling most of the weight and I did mention it to my husband a few times but he always said "Tell me what needs to be done and I will do it or "how hard can it be?" I basically had no life. Everything I did revolved around my husband. I wanted him to be happy as he did go into a funk sometimes. I wrote it off as just a part of his personality but it might have been a warning sign.

In 2006 we had another daughter and I think this is when my H started to emotionally detach from me. I was still taking my relatives shopping on the weekends even though he had talked to me about how it was affecting our marriage. I don't know why I did not listen to him. By this time, my H had started getting serious about his entertainment company which is based in Georgia(He produces music and promotes artists.) Now his weekends are full also. We became like ships passing in the night.

Fast forward to 2009. My H and I have been working at the same job for 10 years together. But the industry we work in has taken a turn for the worse. The company that we worked for offered high senority employees a severence to quit which we both decided to do. We are both now unemployed. H decided that he wants to move to Georgia because there is a big market for his company in Atlanta and plus that is where it is based. I supported this decision. We agree that once he was settled down in Georgia that me and the girls would join him. I thought that this would be a new beginning for us.

Valentines day 2009 I think was the beginning of the end. We should have planned something special for this day. I, once again, took my relatives where they had to go and did not get home until late. A huge mistake. The following Tuesday my H started to act cold toward me and proceeded to act this way for a week. I broke down in tears and tried to get him to tell me what was wrong and little did I know he was going to drop the bomb on me. He basically said that he does not love me like a H should love his wife and he has been feeling this way for years. He said he is unhappy in our marriage and that we didn't spend enough time together and communicate with each other like married people are supposed to. He also said that maybe if I would have showed more affection toward him, maybe he would have responded to it. We did hug and kiss each other but the past couple of years he seemed indifferent to it. I guess by that time it was too late, he had already checked out emotionally. I am devestated.

I asked him did he want a divorce and he said he wanted a legal separation. I asked him if this is the end of our marriage and he said "I don't know." I asked him if we could go to counseling and he refused. I asked him if he was even interested in working on our marriage and he just looked at me with a mean look. I basically shut down after this announcement. His plans for moving down south did not change. In the meantime I moped around the house looking sad and despondent. I did not eat for three days. Nothing else really matter except the kids. He stopped wearing his wedding ring and did not want me to hug or kiss him. This hurt deeply. He also said sex would not be appropiate either but we still slept in the same bed. And we did have sex twice after his announcement but that was it.

He left for Georgia on May 1st. He and his business partner(male) are renting an apartment down there. It has been almost 3 weeks since he has been gone and I am so empty inside. I have read every "Save Your Marriage" book on the market. I miss him terribly and I wish that I could go back in time and change all of the mistakes that I have made in our relationship, but I cannot. I know he has made mistakes too but right now I feel like I made the most. He calls me every other day and we talk like everything is normal. He cracks a few jokes now and then. He talks to the kids also. He will not respond to my "I miss you" text-mails. We do not talk about the relationship or when does he plan on pursing the "legal" separation. Sometimes I think he is going through a mid-life crisis but he is only 33. I really want him to fall in love with me again but how can I work on our relationship when he is not willing and lives 14hours away?

I am sorry for writing such a long post. I am heartbroken and I don't know what to do.

[ALJ]

Wondering if anyone had any advice?
I have been using the LRT from the DB's book. I didnt beg or plead with him before he left but I did cry uncontrollably and told him that I loved him at our last goodbye before he got on the road. When he calls, I try to sound upbeat and happy and that is hard to do because I want to know how he feels about this separation. I know I am supposed to gal but I really need to figure out what it is that interests me. I do love to read and listen to music but I guess I just put my life on hold during this marriage and didnt take the time to to find out about me and what makes me happy. I just wish I knew what the future holds for us. I am making a career change and am going back to school for my Bachelors degree. It has only been 3weeks since he left but it seems like a year. I go from being angry with him for leaving us to feeling hopeless to blaming myself for this mess. I sent him a text telling him that I missed him (something I should not have done.) When he did not reply, I sent him another stating that I am only human and I cant just fall out of love with him no matter how he treats me. He responded by saying "I not trying to hurt you nor treat u bad...Im just at a point where the truth is just that...Im not going to lie to you nor myself anymore." After reading that, I felt sick with grief. Should I go dark on him which would be hard because we have kids or should I just keep upbeat when I talk to him, avoiding the relationship talk and wait until he wants to talk about it? I am committed to us being together again but I cant make him want the same thing. And right now I know he does not feel the same way.

[babymama]

ALJ-
Wow...I SO feel your pain as I know we all do here. I am in a similar situation with my H telling me that he loves me but is not in love...that he just needs to be honest about his feelings and has just been unhappy for awhile. Like you, I know we have some issues but I never EVER thought it was this bad...and trust me it is horrible. My H has been out of the house a little over a month now...I feel one day I am strong and the next a wreck. Today was one of those days I was a wreck. There is not alot I can say to make you feel better other than what I feel about husbands who just up and walk away because they are NOT happy....especially when there are young children to be taken care of...and that is that there is definately something wrong with THEM....not us. There are people who make bad decisions and if you ask me there is no other way to justify leaving your children without giving the M the 100% effort it deserves...that the kids deserve. I feel like it is so unfair for the kids and for the LBS to be given a bomb, have to deal with that AND have to remain sane for the sake of the kids...while the WAS gets to run. And run they do. I just wanted to commiserate...this is all new to me too. Message me anytime and just as this board is designed for, maybe we can help each other thru these dark days. Good luck to you...
Nicoles

[aliveandkicking]

ALJ- You are right in the thick of it and you have found people who do KNOW what you are feeling. I really related to your post.

I think in time you will recognize that this was not your fault.

I have had a really tough time finding peace but doing better.

Your plans for work and school sound very proactive.

I think it is tough because while people can advise you to have a good attitude and GAL, no one can tell you what to do with regard to your finances and logistics. BUT, there are some very experienced DBers on here who can help.

Right now, I say breathe, exercise every day if possible, ask for help from friends and family, read self help books (Ekhart Tolle's "A New Earth" helped but there are so many). If you are religious or even if you are not, pray. I am not religious but I have gotten on my knees and prayed plenty of times.

Best advice, don't believe most of his words, pay attention to actions.

Looking back, H was just spinning and I wanted to be as neutral as possible. I hadn't read Divorce Remedy yet and while I didn't beg or plead, I couldn't stay away from R conversations AND I wasn't prepared for H's hostile reaction to my looking good and GAL...that really threw me off.

Keep reading here. You are not alone. AND, this is NOT your fault, that is just what you feel when you've been left behind. Give it time, your perspective will be more balanced.

As for going dark, IMO you need to do what you can stick to realistically and what works for you. Maybe go dark but be very pleasant and upbeat when you do have to talk (you need to really GAL to pull this off authentically). Be mysterious and don't get into too much detail about your life, just that you are doing well (I know this is counterintuitive), listen with interest to him but don't be too available...this is basic stuff but I am in NO real position to advise you...

Did you read Divorce Remedy? Read it and read the threads here. You'll get help.

AND, please go easy on yourself. I was in so much pain in the beginning. I can barely even fathom how much pain I was in, I just know it is better now.

You really do need to set little goals for yourself and take it one day at a time.

It is also usually advisable to see a lawyer just to know what your options are and what you will likely be entitled to.

Please hang in there.

[The Wifey]

ALJ,

Welcome to our community, although it really sucks we had to meet this way. You are in a good place to get support.

The best advice I can give you to begin with is to recognize your part in the M. The WA is not right to just walk, it isn't fair, it really stinks, but that does not absolve any of us from any of our mistakes.

That being said, you do not have ALL the blame. Remember that you are only human and you both got into a rut.

GAL is hard to do to begin with. You really do not know what to do to get started with. I found I did best by first of all taking note of all the little things around me. I looked at beautiful sunrises, I smiled at little children, I took note of the people around me. I ate food I liked, spent more time selecting the clothes I wore, took time with my makeup, wore my jewelry.

Give yourself time to grieve. I could own stock in the Puff's tissue company. Cry your eyes out when you need to. But set a time limit. When the time is up, you have to get up and go and do and experience.

When he does call, you can sound upbeat. Fake it until you make it. For sure you want to ask him to reconsider. Asking won't make it happen right now. Do not let him know how upset you are. Don't call him, just wait for him to initiate the contact.

By being upbeat, that does not mean to be chatty. Tell him as little as possible about what is going on or what you have been up to.

Strap on the big-girl panties, because this will be a rough ride. It won't be quick, never is, but the course is not set in stone. A legal separation is just that. It could lead to a D, but it won't necessarily.

The hardest part is accepting the reality of the situation. It hurts like anything. I know, believe me.

But it starts today. You get to figure you out. You get to change you and grow. And we will be here to help support you. One day at a time. Breath deep.

[ALJ]

Thank you so much everyone for your inspirational words. They have really helped me a lot. Yesterday was the first day that I saw a conselor. She did stress to me that I am not %100 to blame for our marriage falling apart. I had been having a hard time accepting this. She wants to see me on a daily basis. I also joined the gym yesterday and went participated in 2 workout classes. My muscles are paying for it today


My H did say that he wanted a legal separation before he left but we did not file any papers or consult any lawyers. He has not brought it up again so I guess we are just separated for now. All of his mail still comes to the house, including his unemployment check and I still handle the paying of our bills. We are not financially able to afford a legal separation or divorce at this time so I wonder if this is why he has not pressed the issue.

I have not told my family about us separating. They just think that H is down south working on building up his company and that he will be back. If they knew the truth, they probably would be highly upset and mad. I know that they love me and dont want to see me hurt but I dont need all that drama right now and I just dont want anyone badmouthing H to me or causing more problems and tension in our R. He, on the other hand, has told his mom and sister. I have been talking with his mom and she hopes that my H will come to his senses and work on our marriage. She is a sweet lady and so is my sister in law

I still have down days much more than up days. I dont contact H, he calls me every other day. He does not ask me how I am or what have I been doing with myself. I get mad about this sometimes because its like he doesnt care. I am still the mother of his children so he could at least inquire about my welfare. But I also remember that I am dealing with someone who is confused and he is not the same person that I once knew. I do have to work on not trying to hold on to him through conversation and be the first one to end it on the phone. I slipped up and texted him message saying "I really enjoy hearing your voice on the phone when u call." Then I sent another stating " I apologize for sending that message." Of course he didnt respond to either of them.

I am going to take one day at a time and even though I might feel alone, I know I am not because of the great support system here on this online community of people who are or have been in my shoes.

[ALJ]

Thank you so much everyone for your inspirational words. They have really helped me a lot. Yesterday was the first day that I saw a conselor. She did stress to me that I am not %100 to blame for our marriage falling apart. I had been having a hard time accepting this. She wants to see me on a daily basis. I also joined the gym yesterday and went participated in 2 workout classes. My muscles are paying for it today


My H did say that he wanted a legal separation before he left but we did not file any papers or consult any lawyers. He has not brought it up again so I guess we are just separated for now. All of his mail still comes to the house, including his unemployment check and I still handle the paying of our bills. We are not financially able to afford a legal separation or divorce at this time so I wonder if this is why he has not pressed the issue.

I have not told my family about us separating. They just think that H is down south working on building up his company and that he will be back. If they knew the truth, they probably would be highly upset and mad. I know that they love me and dont want to see me hurt but I dont need all that drama right now and I just dont want anyone badmouthing H to me or causing more problems and tension in our R. He, on the other hand, has told his mom and sister. I have been talking with his mom and she hopes that my H will come to his senses and work on our marriage. She is a sweet lady and so is my sister in law

I still have down days much more than up days. I dont contact H, he calls me every other day. He does not ask me how I am or what have I been doing with myself. I get mad about this sometimes because its like he doesnt care. I am still the mother of his children so he could at least inquire about my welfare. But I also remember that I am dealing with someone who is confused and he is not the same person that I once knew. I do have to work on not trying to hold on to him through conversation and be the first one to end it on the phone. I slipped up and texted him message saying "I really enjoy hearing your voice on the phone when u call." Then I sent another stating " I apologize for sending that message." Of course he didnt respond to either of them.

I am going to take one day at a time and even though I might feel alone, I know I am not because of the great support system here on this online community of people who are or have been in my shoes.

[innishannon]

ALJ,

just a quick message to say that I KNOW EXACTLY what you are going through; my thread is

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1749253&page=5#Post1749253

I have been where you are a couple of months ago; I would like to say that it does get easier but I am not so sure; what I will say is that the support you will get from friends here will be your saving grace.

Post, vent, journal, do whatever you can to help yourself. Everyone here understands,

Innishannon x

[ALJ]

Thanks again everyone for your wisdom and kind words. I haven't had a chance to post in a while. Still trying to find out about myself and gal. I have found out that I do like to go to the gym(especially the group workout classes) and I am going to change some furniture around in the house and maybe buy some new items to give everything my own personal touch.

I have been seeing a counselor who is really good. She has been talking with me about my self esteem issues and I have been working on that area in my life and trying to concentrate on how I can better myself. I used to feel that the demise of our marriage was mostly my fault but now I am beginning to see that H played a huge part in our problems also. We are both to blame.

It has been almost 5 weeks since H moved down south and he will be back in town next week to see the kids and to attend his sisters 30th birthday get together. I do miss him and would love to greet him with a hug when I see him. Should I ask his permission first or should I let him initiate any hugs? After H dropped the bomb, he did not want any hugs or kisses from me so I really don't know how what I should do. Also, would fixing his favorite meals while he is here be pursuing behavior?

Although I miss H dearly, I am afraid of how he is going to act toward me. Like I stated before, he literally turned into a cold hearted stranger overnite after dropping bomb and I was practically dying of a broken heart. I dont want to experience those feelings of despair and loneliness if he is still acting the same way toward me. As a matter of fact, I might get angry with him and treat him the same way. I know this wont solve anything and it will be like taking two steps back after taking one step forward. I will really need to ask God to give me willpower.

I am working on having patience with our separation. I know things do not change overnite. I just wish I knew what the future holds for us. I find myself wondering if he is thinking about me or does he remember the good times that we had? I apologize for this post being all over the place. My emotions are all over the place also.

[ALJ]

I haven't posted in awhile.

My H drove in from out of town where he lives to see the kids and to attend his sisters birthday dinner. He had been gone for 6 weeks and he stayed with us from 6/12 to 6/15. I had been working on myself every since he left by working out and seeing a c and just trying to figure out who I am as an individual.

My sis-in-laws birthday dinner went okay. I mostly talked with everyone else except my H and my H mostly talked with his brother and the kids. We were cordial to each other but I felt like we were strangers. My BIL made a comment to my MIL about how good I was looking these days and that my H better wake up before its to late and my MIL told me that my H was stealing glances at me when I wasn't looking. The working out and gal is really doing me some good

His visit for the most part was stress-free. At times he laughed and joked with me like he used to. Then, there were times where he seemed distant and unconcerned with me or my feelings. It was like he was afraid of getting too close or too comfortable with me. The kids were a little standoffish when they first seen him but they eventually warmed up to him. He slept on the couch for the first 2 nights and then on the 3rd nite he said the couch made his neck hurt so he slept in our bed. We ML that nite and the next morning. Unfortunately, he did not kiss me during ML. Again, I think it goes back to not wanting to get too close or personal, I could be wrong.

At times I get really angry at H for leaving us like this. Who does he think he is anyway? What would possess him to do this? I have to admit that there were times in our m where I was unhappy but I would never just up and leave like I was the only one that mattered in the relationship. My MIL is really upset with him for leaving the kids like that and she said she is going to ask him what is going on in his mind because his kids need him in their lives and just because he calls them every other day doesnt mean a thing if they only see him once a month. This is my MIL idea to call him. I did not influence her either way.

So, for now, I am taking one day at a time. I am getting past the sadness for now. Trying to swim through the confusion and the not knowing what is going to happen next in our relationship. Wondering if he is happy with his decision to leave, since he was so "unhappy" before he left...