Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[antlers]

Antlers,

The fact is, you are alone. This means you are responsible for your own care. That means you are responsible for your own happiness or your own unhappiness. That means the choice is yours. Don't let it sadden you, 'aloneness' can be very liberating if you approach it with a attitude of possibilities and opportunity as opposed to something to dread. Depends on you.

The regret and remorse ate me up to. I felt guilt for the breakup of my Family and my failure as a Husband. Even bigger guilt when I looked into the eyes of my confused S who was only 6 at the time. Guilt that I couldn't fix it so he'll have a Dad who would always be there under the same roof for him when he needed me.

There were a lot of things I could have done different to maybe save my M. 'MAYBE' is the key word here to. After a while I discovered it was true that concept applied to many aspects of my life, not just my M. Not so much regret, but just wish I had more foresight. It also occurred to me that I actually did some things that were good and decent. Things my ex pointed out to me much later after her anger subsided. I'm human and I'll continue to make mistakes. There were many things outside my control and there will continue to be many things outside my control.

Guilt is the Devil's domain. He thrives in it. It makes us feel less worthy, not salvageable and self-loathing. Incapable of receiving and accepting God's grace and forgiveness in our own minds. It keeps us bound and shackled.

Get ride of that guilt. There may be underlying issue with your W that you are not able to see and understand right now. Things you have absolutely no control over. It was so in my case, but wasn't reveled to me until much later. I'm sure many others on here could tell you the same thing in their situation. Don't let her anger towards you be the tell all. There are redeeming qualities about you. The fact you are looking at yourself and seeing room for improvement says allot.

BTW, as a Father, I'm better than I've every been and have a very close relationship with my two boys. I would venture to say it's an even closer bond now from this experience. You will never be 'alone' in that respect.

Hi Astimegoeson.

Yep, I'm alone. I don't like it. I'm not just lonely though, I miss her. This has been a long weekend. I've exercised, worked in my yard and on my house, and did some shopping today. I'm in limbo...I'm married but separated. And I mean big time separated. No contact at all. I can't date...I feel like I'm just waiting...to be served with divorce papers...or who knows what else! It sucks. That's where I'm at right now. Sometimes are better than other times...right now I'm kinda strugglin'. I am sad...I don't feel like it's very liberating. I'm pissed at myself for screwing up so bad. I want to be happy, but I'm lonely, especially for my family and her.

Yep, it eats me up too! I feel guilty for the breakup of my family and my failure as a husband too! My poor kids, although they are resilient, have definately been affected in a negative way. I hate it that we're not all under the same roof.

I could have prevented all the pain for all of us, had I just been compassionate! I know that. I did some good things too, but she has rewritten our marital history to suite her purposes. She has filtered out any good that was present, and only sees the bad...which there was too much of...and that's on me. I hope her hurt and anger subsides...period...no matter what.

I guess I'm getting pummeled by the devil then. Maybe I should look at it more spiritually. If he reminds me of my guilt, then I'll remind him of his future! I so much want to feel that I have received God's grace and forgiveness.

How do you get rid of the guilt? No, she was as good as it gets. It won't help me to deny the truth...and I took her for granted...and was eaten up with anger and resentment, which had nothing to do with her. I don't have any control now, that's for sure! Only me, and that's all. She is deservedly angry at me...she put up with more from me than any 20 women would have. She did love me. I know there are redeeming qualities about me, but from my perspective, they're hard to see often. I am looking at myself, and working on myself, and there is much room for improvement...and I intend to keep on doing it, regardless. But still, I deep down wish that I could have a chance knowing what I know now.

I'm still working on my relationships with my kids. They had a rough go too! I suck for being the way that I was for so long. I just hope God will forgive me, and help my kids, and help me to help my kids...and let them know...deep down...that I always loved them, and always will. I'm not where I thought I would be at 48 years old now! The last 6 months have just been awful. I want so much to be strong and powerful and secure and assertive and ambitious. I got my a$$ kicked over the last 6 months, and it was overwhelmingly my fault...I'm just having trouble coping with it, and trying to come to grips with the way things are as a result. I feel like I'm by myself in the world.