Puppy, Thanks, I needed the 2x4. I read Fit's thread and am actually considering going the route she suggests with no contact ever again from me, ever! This seems extreme and if I don't follow through, she will never respect me again, ever. But, I am tired and it would serve me better than what has been happening. What are you thoughts on this? Anyone else have an insight? This seems like a drastic move.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
John, Your gut is usually right...the OM is probably back or will be soon.
Time for you to go see your lawyeer. This has already gone on way too long with her stringing you along. The fact that she has lied to her D about the OM, then said he was a cute 55, then tells you she made it all up, and has moved out, AND is placing the family welfare in jeopardy by having an affair with a Lt Col and her being a SNCO shows very poor judgement. This was not an accident caused by you going to Iraq...she had to choose the OM each time...who watched your daughter while this was going on and you were deployed? Was she left alone?
And it is a horrible example for your daughter...your D feeling uncomfortable with her sleeping over is a sign that the mother/daughter relationship is falling apart...this is a very very bad position for your daughter to be in and I wonder if she is trying to tell you both what she thinks you want to hear. Good idea from you to tell her C.
I would not ask her about the divorce...you go file and ask for everything your lawyer can think of to include custody. You do not want your daughter exposed to any of the four OM so make sure that is included in the paperwork...I know you do not want to but you should at least consider supervised visits until you can confirm what is going on.
I know this is against your nature but your mindset should be twofold...#1 is trying to save this marriage and #2 should be make her hurt and make it hurt for a very long time. There is absolutly no reason your daughter should do without because your W was bored or whatever while you were deployed. She should be able to do the things teenage girls do and go to college. A HS diploma will not do anything for her other than minimum wage jobs. You go for the max...CS, you ask for alimony, the house, property, etc. No you will not get everything but you want to be the one with the control. This is not a give and take.
Exposure...what happened to the name your D saw on the computer program? Did you tell your CC the name? Do you know anyone that works with her well enough to see what they know? You had said she told her civilian coworkers? Do you know anyone in the apartment complex that can keep an eye out? Most people would want to help you...by now she has told them all of your faults...do not let her make you the bad guy.
Can you see the cellphone bills online? Do you have paper copies from while you were deployed? There is evidence somewhere...always is. Credit card bills? Keep looking.
I am worried if you are not doing anything because of money...you have said you are okay but are you okay because she is paying some bills? The longer this goes on the more she spends with the apartment and clothes to look nice for the OM, going out, hairstyles, salon visits, etc...I do not ask this to embarass you...do you have enough saved to pay everything by yourself for about 6 months? I ask because you think you do not have enough money to hire a PI. Money is what ususally gets you in the end...sad but the truth. That is why you need to show that she is the problem. Ask for her to have to pay your lawyer...it can come out of her share of your property. Pay off everything you can...get your own cellphone and give her the one she is paying back.
Have you packed her stuff up and had her come get it? If not now is a good time to do this. The only thing I would recommend is that your daughter not be there when you are packing and she is picking up. Once that is done, and hopefully soon, then you should stop all contact with her...let the lawyer have her served.
You do not want to talk, see, email, etc anything with her. Did you read the post that PDT recommended by Fit? A must read...I do not think your W will have the immediate reaction but she will realize this is not what she wants eventually. I wonder when you are going to realize you do not need her or her crap anymore...and you will. And once you get to that point in your thoughts you will wonder why you ever did. If is was not for your D I think you would have righfully so ended this already...
I know this was a ramble...I feel so bad that you, a SNCO, BSM, father, OIF Vet, etc...would have to go through this today of all days...this should be a proud day for you and your W.
Try to let us know what you are thinking...there are some very smart and experienced people on this board that can help guide you and hopefully gain some insight on what you need to do...you are going to feel depressed at times and overwhelmed...do not let it get you down. You cannot for your daughter. She needs you now more than ever. Stay way from the booze...get out and do something with your D. Get a tan..easy to do and cheap in Fl.
John, I was posting at the same time you were. Going "dark" at this time is not drastic...it is time for you to do this and if you could expose to everyone at the same time it could only help you...
Hoop, I'm not talking about going dark. I'm talking about breaking contact FOREVER!!!! This means no contact whatsoever with maybe the exception of emails regarding my daughter and that's it. I hear you on all the other stuff. I'm listening and still trying to process most of it. Money is good for now--6 months worth though? No. The only thing I will say that I have accomplished this weekend is not reinvesting myself emotionally w/ the wife. I haven't had as much heartache. My friend is still working on a name for me--it's a big organization. Sigh.....
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
There are ways to do the PI thing on the cheap. I spent about $60 on a USB voice-activated recorder, and about $2 on velcro and I stuck it up underneath the front seat of her car. I had to change the batteries DAILY, which was a pain, but it's a treasure trove of useful data (not admissable in some states).
Then, I bought a $40 pay-as-you-go cellphone from BoostMobile, and loaded about $20 worth of minutes onto it. Silenced ALL of the sounds on it, and put a little piece of black electrical tape over the speaker just in case, and I hid it in the trunk of her car in my son's baseball gear bag. For about $6 or $7/month, I bought a program called "MapQuest FindMe" which is a GPS tracker that will send you e-mails any time the phone comes within a predetermined distance (say 100 yards) of a predetermined location (I used her work location, her OM's house, and a hookup house that I learned about later, plus our house and her attorney's office).
I spent about $80 (I think it now costs a little more) on a good keylogger -- eBlaster -- for our home computer.
That was it. I was also lucky to end up having someone from MarriageBuilders offer to help me in a "pay-it-forward" situation, following her a couple of times, and I paid her only some gas money and a dinner g/c for her and her husband once she had gathered what I need.
The whole thing was less than $300, and I had more usable intel that I needed.
John, I hope you were able to enjoy today with your daughter and maybe your W if she even tried for your D. Tomorrow is a new day and the opportunity for you to have a fresh start and recharge your batteries. Take a deep breath and relax...the next few months for you are going to be rough...and yes, it will make you a better person if you do not let it get you down. In your position as a SNCO empathy for your airmen is important and you can use this to help them.
You must prepare yourself for this trip that no one wants to take...much worse than Iraq. First you have to decide if you want your wife...no matter what you feel right now I guarantee you that you will pray for a divorce a hundred times before this is over...you will wish your W will file so you are not the bad guy and can blame it on her...normal.
Your W has demonsrated zero guilt so far and as long as this affair is some romantic tale with no "real life" stress tossed in you will not see a change...that is why you need to find out who any of the OM are and expose. PDT has given you many ideas to save money...please see what you can do. If you can expose and end the affair you have a chance...if the affair continues you have no chance. No marriage can survive fantasy with no worries about bills, saving for the future, kids, deployments, missed promotions, etc. Again, nothing you have told us here tells me you are a bad husband or a father...nothing.
Forget any idea you may have for a "good" divorce...it is not going to happen. You do not have the moral right to deny your D the financial support she needs to be succesful in life...when it comes to divorce you ask for everything. I know what a MSgt makes and your W will be expected to pay CS of about $750 per month until your D turns 18. This is base pay, BAH, and BAS...this is in addition to what you two decide to do with any other marital debt such as the house. I would recommend you try to have her pay a portion until your D turns 18 and then sale the house and split the profits or you buy her out. Your lawyer should discuss this with you.
Your idea of no contact sounds good on paper but is probably not going to happen right now and will not until you start the divorce and she is served. I do think it is a good idea as long as you feel that this weekend went well. The only reason it went anything other than crap is because the OM is gone...which is why you need to expose...when he is gone your W wants to see you and D...with him scheduled to PCS in Oct I would not think he will take leave again unless he can schedule it with a TDY. So that means this was your last chance to demonstrate to your W that you are a great guy, which you are. Now is the time to force a decision...she is either married or she is having an affair in violation of the UCMJ and disrupting good order and discipline...the UCMJ is a tool you have that most do not...use it.
Take care of yourself and continue to prepare for your future. You must prepare your personal finances...you are not where you need to be. You have many options that you need to use before this starts...do you need to refinance your house? Remove yourself from any joint credit cards? Car insurance, STAR, club card, etc...fix this first. If you have to sale your jet-ski then sale it...with no formal separation I am worried about your W running up a massive amount of debt until Oct, telling you she was wrong, coming home, acting like she loves you until the bills are paid off and doing the same thing again...dragging this out until your D is 18 and doing the same...it is so hard to guess. I do not know the specifics on your and her bills but with you both being so high ranking you will be shocked at what people will do to protect the retirement check and keep trying to get E8/9 pay...even when they do not deserve the promotion...she has already proven she should not be a MSgt...and you can bet money she already thinks she should be a Senior and a Chief. Her fantasy about being a warrant officer is just that...a fantasy.
Wake up in the morning with a plan...write it down and do it...review daily, seek advice. Your CC is your friend...I would like to see your 1St Sgt involved...they have much more influence than you think...they are brain washed at school to fix this stuff. Get a lawyer, ask for everything you can get, do not back off trying to "smooch" your W...your D has rights also, expose - if you feel that you do not have enough stuff go see her CC (tell your CC what you are doing) and her Shirt (tell your Shirt)...nothing matters until this affair is over. No Lt Col married to a Col is going to give up his career for a 15 yr married twice divorced MSgt...expose all four A and then work on your marriage.
Harsh, I know...you cannot keep being the backup. Your own pride is important and will stop you from turning into her best friend and hanging out while she is sleeping with another man...I am pro-marriage until she starts treating you like xxxx...no more talks with your D about her boyfriend (supervised visits), no more sleep overs, get all of her stuff out of your house, no more anything, it seems counter productive but is the only chance you have to save your marriage.
You have tools that civilians do not have...use them. GO see her CC and Shirt for support...let her shop know. If you don't you are guaranteed to be one of those crusty MSgt's divorced and alone...forget trying to protect her...guaranteed her shop already knows more than you do.
Your marriage is not over but you must step-up and get busy. If you do nothing nothing will change...shake the tree and rattle her chain...every day. Let her worry every time the phone rings....let her know you do not want to see or talk to her until the A is over...and don't you sit waiting for her to be done screwing this OM. Revenge is living a better life...
I find I must come back to deliver more 2x4s..or go up to 4x4s. Again, what is the motivation behind "No more contact ever!"? Does that serve the daughter that you have with this woman? Or is it just your way of dealing with hurt? Honestly, it just seems like weakness, and it's not a good example to your daughter. If you are strong enough to never see or talk to her again, then you certainly should be strong enough not to give a rip about her and just not worry about whether you see her, don't see her, or what she's doing? Get your life separated from hers, financially and emotionally, and forge ahead.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Good ideas, but I don't have access to her car, computer or home at this point.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Again, what is the motivation behind "No more contact ever!"? Does that serve the daughter that you have with this woman? Or is it just your way of dealing with hurt? Honestly, it just seems like weakness, and it's not a good example to your daughter. If you are strong enough to never see or talk to her again, then you certainly should be strong enough not to give a rip about her and just not worry about whether you see her, don't see her, or what she's doing? Get your life separated from hers, financially and emotionally, and forge ahead.
My motivation is dealing w/ the hurt and removing her from my life as she is choosing not to be a part of it. She has been constantly trying to control my actions even after moving out of our home. I'm seperated financially and working on the emotional part. I guess I'm looking for ways to further separate myself emotionally and based on a post I read from Fighting Fit in the infidelity forum this seemed like a good option.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
