John, Your gut is usually right...the OM is probably back or will be soon.
Time for you to go see your lawyeer. This has already gone on way too long with her stringing you along. The fact that she has lied to her D about the OM, then said he was a cute 55, then tells you she made it all up, and has moved out, AND is placing the family welfare in jeopardy by having an affair with a Lt Col and her being a SNCO shows very poor judgement. This was not an accident caused by you going to Iraq...she had to choose the OM each time...who watched your daughter while this was going on and you were deployed? Was she left alone?
And it is a horrible example for your daughter...your D feeling uncomfortable with her sleeping over is a sign that the mother/daughter relationship is falling apart...this is a very very bad position for your daughter to be in and I wonder if she is trying to tell you both what she thinks you want to hear. Good idea from you to tell her C.
I would not ask her about the divorce...you go file and ask for everything your lawyer can think of to include custody. You do not want your daughter exposed to any of the four OM so make sure that is included in the paperwork...I know you do not want to but you should at least consider supervised visits until you can confirm what is going on.
I know this is against your nature but your mindset should be twofold...#1 is trying to save this marriage and #2 should be make her hurt and make it hurt for a very long time. There is absolutly no reason your daughter should do without because your W was bored or whatever while you were deployed. She should be able to do the things teenage girls do and go to college. A HS diploma will not do anything for her other than minimum wage jobs. You go for the max...CS, you ask for alimony, the house, property, etc. No you will not get everything but you want to be the one with the control. This is not a give and take.
Exposure...what happened to the name your D saw on the computer program? Did you tell your CC the name? Do you know anyone that works with her well enough to see what they know? You had said she told her civilian coworkers? Do you know anyone in the apartment complex that can keep an eye out? Most people would want to help you...by now she has told them all of your faults...do not let her make you the bad guy.
Can you see the cellphone bills online? Do you have paper copies from while you were deployed? There is evidence somewhere...always is. Credit card bills? Keep looking.
I am worried if you are not doing anything because of money...you have said you are okay but are you okay because she is paying some bills? The longer this goes on the more she spends with the apartment and clothes to look nice for the OM, going out, hairstyles, salon visits, etc...I do not ask this to embarass you...do you have enough saved to pay everything by yourself for about 6 months? I ask because you think you do not have enough money to hire a PI. Money is what ususally gets you in the end...sad but the truth. That is why you need to show that she is the problem. Ask for her to have to pay your lawyer...it can come out of her share of your property. Pay off everything you can...get your own cellphone and give her the one she is paying back.
Have you packed her stuff up and had her come get it? If not now is a good time to do this. The only thing I would recommend is that your daughter not be there when you are packing and she is picking up. Once that is done, and hopefully soon, then you should stop all contact with her...let the lawyer have her served.
You do not want to talk, see, email, etc anything with her. Did you read the post that PDT recommended by Fit? A must read...I do not think your W will have the immediate reaction but she will realize this is not what she wants eventually. I wonder when you are going to realize you do not need her or her crap anymore...and you will. And once you get to that point in your thoughts you will wonder why you ever did. If is was not for your D I think you would have righfully so ended this already...
I know this was a ramble...I feel so bad that you, a SNCO, BSM, father, OIF Vet, etc...would have to go through this today of all days...this should be a proud day for you and your W.
Try to let us know what you are thinking...there are some very smart and experienced people on this board that can help guide you and hopefully gain some insight on what you need to do...you are going to feel depressed at times and overwhelmed...do not let it get you down. You cannot for your daughter. She needs you now more than ever. Stay way from the booze...get out and do something with your D. Get a tan..easy to do and cheap in Fl.
