Am I doing the right thing?

[kjensen]

Hey D! Sounds like you are in a good mental place-have a good
perspective!

The OP really doesn't matter in the end. My H was definitely used by his OW and he feels like an idiot-says that all of the time..

Keep up the DBing! I hope you have a great holiday weekend!

[D Money]

I was talking to S11 today and was given some interesting info. Apparently every night the kids have been over there, he says wife's "friend" is nice to her until she makes dinner and then he snaps at her and is a total jerk. It's just a matter of time.

My wife carries so much anger. S11 said she flipped out when she found out that I got a library card. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

[fisherman]

A freakin library card !? LOL!

Didn't you know? Your not supposed to have a life or do anything new man.

Your right it is a matter of time. That's why it's so important to love her from a distance and hang in there as long as possible.

Stay out of the way and let her implode all by herself. It's kind of hard to be angry with and blame you if you aren't there.

Sounds like there is a bit of trouble in "paradise."

Keep on keeping on.

[D Money]

Trouble in paradise indeed. Was told this morning that she's told the kids that he treats her like crap.

I was also told that if I'm at any family gatherings, she won't be there. Angry at me or reminder of guilt?

[kjensen]

Hi D,
I'd say its guilt. She may be seeing the grass isn't greener..and really getting a glimpse the the mess she has made of everything... If she is having a glimpse of rality then she'll have guilt and anger at herself, but it still may be easier to project that onto you than really look inside.

My H and I talked about projecting onto others..his Ow basically said things to him and treated him the way he initially treated/spoke to me..So he has had a glimpse of reality. He has guilt. I don't know if he is truly done with OW or vice versa-she is a piece of work [high maintenance, beautiful on the outside but not the inside, possibly racist, not a good mother, needs to feel desirable..)the more I hear from him..

He is really stuck on some of the things she said to him like he's self-absorbed..(that one really bothers him), unsupportive and insensitive..all things he feels the OW is...

Just be there for your wife, be a friend, be loving and detached and GAL. You are doing great!

[D Money]

Hi K

I think you're right. I think the whole family gathering thing also has to do more with her family than with me. She has distanced herself from them and she continually complains that they like me more than her.

Also, from things the kids have told me it's like everything is a competition between her and I as far as she's concerned. If I do something with them she has to try and do something better. She spends money on them and does things with them but she doesn't really spend time with them and connect and interact. Her thinking right now is very superficial, much like a teenager's.

[kjensen]

Hi D,
For a short time my H felt competitive with me. He was resentful that I bought the girls new beds, tickets for a musical in the fall...he wasn't interacting much with them then either..but the teenage mentality followed..listening to rap/fixing up the car..this was all just a few weeks ago. A few miserable weeks with OW later and H is contemplating moving home when his lease is up in 6 weeks. He's being open with me about the OW..It may be too soon, we've both talked about it, not sure what his decision will be....

Things can change slowly or fast- you just never know...so keep up the detachment/care for our wife and take care of yourself and the kids.

[D Money]

Well I was thinking about this last night. Her big thing growing up was she feels that she was emotionally abandoned. She felt that her sisters got all her parents attention. Instead of seeing me as an authority figure, I think she sees me as a sibling who is "stealing" her attention and she's projecting that anger onto me. I think that is where this feeling of competition is coming from.

[fisherman]

I think they are really self-conscious and insecure when it comes to being parents. Mine gets in these sort of competitions with the kids.

The funny thing is that they miss the mark. They try to buy their childrens love. The kids love us spending quality time with them not spending money on them.

[D Money]

It goes beyond the kids though. When she spewed on me a few weeks back it was about how her family likes me more than her. She made mention of the only reason her Mom gave her attention was because of me and the kids.

When she was a kid (10-11 years old), she intentionally jumped out of a tree to hurt herself to get attention. I don't think she got the response she wanted so she started to internalize everything.

She was the middle of 3 girls. Her older sister was very rebellious so she got all the bad attention. Her younger sister was the baby so she got all the good attention. My wife was lost in the shuffle. She was a tomboy because that enabled her to get attention from her Dad.

I think this deals more with her feeling like she's that age again and she desperately wants her Mom's attention and she's not getting it. Her issues are right there at the surface but she doesn't know how to deal with it.