One Step Up, Two Steps Back

[Kettricken]

I do, however, concede that the PERCEPTION in my wife's mind is that I'm somehow morally superior, that she can't "measure up," and that my family will never accept her. And since it's true what they say that "Perception is Reality," those are, in fact, things that I have to deal with in trying to hold this marriage together.

In that vein, I asked her last week if it would help her to know that I also struggle with things, and that I have my own "issues." She immediately said "Yes!" and so I confessed something to her that I kinda told her about before, but it was years ago and I watered it down. I look at too much porn, and I told her that I feel that it may have specifically stopped me from being the sexual aggressor and being playful and fighting thru her "oh no, not now"s and might have played into the poor sexual dynamic that we've had. She thanked me for telling her.

Puppy

From my perspective (and I have thought this before) the problem is not what you TOLD her. With words. If (even in your mind) during her affair, you were the Lord Jesus Christ Himself and she was the the wayward prostitute .... she knew damned well that you felt that way.

And you know what? She had a right to be mad about that. Not that your attitude in any way justified her choices, of course not. But to the degree that you were vibing "here I am on my Good Christian Pedestal, but I will deign to stoop to pick you up" .... did some damage there, my friend. 'Cause you're a good man, but Christ you ain't. No offense, because we're all subject to self-righteousness. There's a *reason* Christ talked about the Pharisee and the tax collector praying in the temple.

What I underlined above tends to make me think I'm right. She needs to know that you are equal players in this relationship. Not in a sense of "Ok, let's compare lists of how we both screwed up." More in a sense of "Let's not forget we're both flawed (if you like, "sinful") humans in this together." A "good spouse/bad spouse" dynamic .... well, I just don't believe you can build anything healthy on that foundation.

The fact that according to you, you just NOW shared with her something you struggle(d) with/feel badly about .... (shakes head)

I know you know this. But sometimes I get the feeling that you believe that as long as you don't SAY anything overtly to her that demonstrates an attitude, she can't tell you have said attitude. I suspect differently.