Indeed provided the brain of the WAW has not been cast in concrete.
I can tell you that my W is scared, hurt, confused, in denial, avoiding conflict and running / hiding from problems, but definitely not cold or cast in concrete.
Don't under-estimate the addictive effects of an OM on the brain. Often if the first OM does not work they go on the next. And often the WA's do such irresponsible things that they simply can't backtrack from the wayward path.
Indeed provided the brain of the WAW has not been cast in concrete.
I can tell you that my W is scared, hurt, confused, in denial, avoiding conflict and running / hiding from problems, but definitely not cold or cast in concrete.
Don't under-estimate the addictive effects of an OM on the brain. Often if the first OM does not work they go on the next. And often the WA's do such irresponsible things that they simply can't backtrack from the wayward path.
Understand and agree that a WAS can be confused and addicted.
Just objecting to the term "cast in concrete" it implies cold and unchanging, when I know that in my sitch, my W is internally torn apart and emotionally all over the place.
In many cases the end effect can be the same, but the cause is different.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thinker: No one doubts that WAS are conflicted much/most of the time. I sort of think that was the point of the comment, to be honest. "Unless" -- you know, with a lot of ironic emphasis on the word.
Day 3 of the family vacation and so far things are going pretty well. This much togetherness is definitely challenging my ability to stay detached. A better word for my sitch would be Schnarch's "differentiation" - the ability to hold onto onesself in spite of close contact with a loved one - by definition a person who is important to you and who's opinions and needs differ from ones own.
My W is on her own roller coaster. One part of her want's to be close and loving (she initiated ML yeaterday - in her own words to "kick off the vacation right) and the other part wants to withdraw into sorrow. Today is the 4th anniversary of her fathers death, and it always hits her hard. She want straight from ML to tears. No, I didn't take it personally. She is enormously conflicted and sad about some combination of our sitch and her fathers death. I am not sure which and in what combination, but they are emotionally related for her.
So now, I am once again confused and conflicted again myself. The easiest thing for me to do when my W withdraws is to go out and GAL so that I don't pursue, but that is hard to do when we are together with the kids away from home. Instead I am focusing on trying to keep ahold of my own emotions so that I don't compound the issues.
PMA and fake it til you make it
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Good job Thinker. Sounds like a challenging time but you can do it.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I realized something by watching my emotions today.
In general. I am comfortable with the idea of facing a protracted status quo period. If things stay as they are and only improve slightly, then I'll be OK.
I am also not that afraid (theoretically) of getting divorced. I have examined it, and it is not the end of the world. It would be sad, bad for our kids, and a preventable tragedy, but once again, I would survive.
The real, overpowering fear that I have, is of being left (abandoned, betrayed, insert similar verbs). This would seem to be an unnatural fear since the end result would be the D state which I already discussed as being not so terrifying.
But there it is, the fear that is driving me. Whenever my W gets a text message or starts acting strangely, that fear pops up. Not the fear of getting D or of losing her, but of getting abandoned. It is the fear that makes me want to snoop or otherwise control her and prompts me to sometimes think about calling it off and leaving her first.
It is a fear of something that is really not that fearful (just potentially painful). It is a fear that I think stems from childhood experiences exacerbated my the recent shock of the A.
This realization has changed anything yet, but I think it will help me to control this gut emotional response in the future.
I hope.
The gut fear of being left is pretty painful.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
You can analyze it all you want but knowing what I know now if I were you I would pay attention to this fear, it's real. If there are issues you need to overcome on your side deal with those promptly but if your fear is coming from the W's behavior I would not put my head in the sand and wait for the fear to go away. I would be afraid of that fear. All the verbs you list cause much pain and destruction - emotionally and financially. The enemy has already attacked you. I'm not a fan of that other 'W' (pronounced 'dubya')and I do not know all the details of your 'sitch' but if I were you I'd launch a massive preemptive strike on multiple fronts. Prepare for the worst *before* you hope for the best(with DB, PMA, GAL, etc).
You can analyze it all you want but knowing what I know now if I were you I would pay attention to this fear, it's real. If there are issues you need to overcome on your side deal with those promptly but if your fear is coming from the W's behavior I would not put my head in the sand and wait for the fear to go away. I would be afraid of that fear. All the verbs you list cause much pain and destruction - emotionally and financially. The enemy has already attacked you. I'm not a fan of that other 'W' (pronounced 'dubya')and I do not know all the details of your 'sitch' but if I were you I'd launch a massive preemptive strike on multiple fronts. Prepare for the worst *before* you hope for the best(with DB, PMA, GAL, etc).
That is really interesting. Sometimes it is very difficult to make the distinction. Is it fear that is intuitive? Or it is fear that is projected? Or both? It almost can't be deciphered sometimes. I guess we do our bests to operate as if both are true.
I realized something by watching my emotions today.
This is a healthy thing to do. Part of my therapy is to set aside a time period, step back, and watch my emotions, feelings, and thoughts drift by. Don't attach. Just watch. You'd be surprised what you learn.
This doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't experience those feelings and thought. It's only an exercise to clear the pond of ripples so you can see the reflection more clearly.
Originally Posted By: Thinker
It is the fear that makes me want to snoop or otherwise control her and prompts me to sometimes think about calling it off and leaving her first.
Yes, I get this urge too sometimes. I'm not afraid of being alone so much as W finding someone new and the feelings of rejection that would go with it. This might be a good time to watch those emotions float by again. What are your thoughts and feelings? Anger? The urge to get even? The desire to start over with a clean slate and leave that other life behind? Because those are mine.
I can't suggest a path for you but you're doing something healthy by watching those feelings and thoughts and with it will come appropriate action from a clear and uncluttered mind.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
