Doing a lot of reading. Revisted my thread from last fall, re-read my journal, dug into several more threads here and started re-reading the DM book. Reading about different methods of adressing our issues, different tracks to take. I was so definite on my plans. Now I'm wondering if my plans are the right ones. I'm revisiting most things, but some I will not.
Things I know and will work hard on: 1. My GAL. 2. Establishing boundaries 3. Being a great dad.
I felt I was starting to go down the "get even" path. I think that was what was energizing me - finding ways to "get back" at W and make her miserable for what she has done to me. All sounded like a good plan. Until I started reading more about MLC. I'm convinced W is in a MLC - this is actually the second round of a MLC that started last summer. Now thinking that maybe she needs me as a friend right now to help her through her questioning of her life. Several posts under the MLC thread indicating sucess where the approach has been helping her when asked, and not a punitive approach. Helping her to again see what she is missing. Again - conflicted - what to do.
Thinking back to last week when I told her that I knew about the A. Replayed the conversations many time in my mind, remembering things I missed the first time.
She said she needed to feel wanted, to feel desired by someone. She lost both parent last year. She started working on herself, losing weight, excercising, enjoying dancing, partying, staying out with her girl friends. Tried smoking pot for the first time, more agressive/assertive about sex. I still remember the quote from last year shen she said she was tired of being good all the time - she wanted to be bad for once.
I tell her she looks great, encouraged the dancing and going out. She included me occasionally, but it was mostly girlfriend time. Did she feel that she needed more validation from someone else? She knew I wanted and desired her - was that not enought? Is that what is driving the affair? I remember many lashing out comments from last week. Contradictory statements from how she is acting now and how she has acted in the past. Could it be she's lost - doesn't really know what path to go down?
She refuses to go to a MC. Says she can handle this herself. I know forcing will not work - she'll push back hard and move further away. She's confused, she's ill and needs help. Help from someone, anyone but me. But still she knows she needs help. She wants to talk to her friends. She wants to experiment. She wants to feel desired.
So now what? We stil sleep in the same bed, share dinner with the kids. We still enjoy being with each other. She's giving me clues that she is not with OM - actually calling her girl friends in front of me to make plans. The texting is still there, but apparently no face to face this weekend with OM.
Again conflicted - is she just laying low until I seem to forget or is she thinking this through more now that I know all about the A?
And what about me - what course do I take? I know what i need to do about me (Gal, boundaries, kids). But how do I deal with her? Do I be her friend or do I begin to crack down and show her what her life would be like without me? I'm conflicted because there are examples on this site that show both methods work. The affair is exposed to me - she knows I know and knows I am hurt. She says I deserve better than her. She's showing some signs that she might be depressed. But again, she won't seek help. But I can't push. And I sure don't want to push her down the wrong path.
I've never been this confused about what to do. I see progress from 180's and "as if" responses. I see progress when she notices what I am doing for myself. She's still intrested in me. So I belive there is still a great chance for us. I know we'll get through this. I just don't know what to do in regards to some of the great advice I've been getting from others her. Some conflicting advice. Maybe I just need to vent - I need to talk this out with someone. I have a couple friends that I will bring into my sit. Friends that I know I can confide in. Some friends who have already dealt with an A in their realtionships. Loking for more options and advice - maybe someone that knows me and her well enough to know what will work for both of us.
Sorry for the long post - but it felt good to get all of this out.
