I hate Thai food. Here's why. About 6 months ago, my W asked to go to dinner. Somewhere in the middle of curry chicken she drops the D bomb. Total blindsided. ILYBINILWY. It's been a roller coster ride ever since. She had been feeling distant for several months. During which time, I had suspicions of an EA or PA. I asked her a couple of times, which she denied.
After making the basic rookie mistakes, I jumped onto this board and did a 180. Helped more with kids, straightened out finances. It's been like changing the course of a cruise liner. I encouraged MC or IC, but she steadfasted said it was 'too late.' We went into a couple of sessions, but she had her guards up and the Counselors had a "do what you feel" vibe. No help.
About a month ago, I discovered a text message on her phone and used that to confront. That's when she admitted the PA. Total emotional earthquake. I tried to remain calm but I just couldn't bare to look at her, or even stay in the house. I have been staying with friends when I need to. She says it was a mistake, but right now she can't commit to total transparency or honest about what happened. Still vague on the details and said 'i'm sorry' once after being prodded.
I'm no saint. I acknowledge that I have some responsibility for creating this environment, but I have been a good person, father, and husband (i thought). I can't help but feel that I have given so much into this marriage, that I lost myself in the process and became quietly bitter. And that I have been an enabler of my W's worst insecurities.
Not sure what to do. Some days, I want to continue to fight to keep it together. Other days, I think it's time to go roam the earth solo (but still being a great dad). Nothing is certain now. I do know that whatever the path, I will get stronger - either with our without her. And the other certainty is that my kids come first no matter what. Other than that, life is torture right now. I'm never eating Thai food again.
Me: 42 W: 40 D11, D9, S7, S2 Married 12 yrs D bomb: 12/09 OM confirmed: 4/09
I'm sorry for your pain. I know how you feel, as my wife had an affair two years ago, and there are still tons of "triggers" for me (like Thai food is for you). Whenever I see a beat-up mini Ford blue pick-up truck, my skin crawls. Whenever I drive past the department store parking lot, or the doctor's office parking lot, where they used to hook up in one of their cars, I feel nauseous. It sukks.
Let me ask you something right up front: is the affair over?
I'll also advise you this, and I've never seen anyone yet who disagrees with it: MOVE BACK INTO YOUR HOUSE -- INCLUDING YOUR MARITAL BED -- IMMEDIATELY. You did not have the affair, and you are not trying to end your marriage. If she has a problem with you being near her, then SHE can move out, but it sounds like you're the one that is having a hard time being close to her. If that's the case, you need to get over that, as -- among other things -- legally, what you are doing CAN be considered "abandonment" of your family. Have you talked to an atty yet? Preferably a good family law atty who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues.
But even aside from the legal aspect, you strike me as somewhat of a co-dependent, pleaser/"Mr. Nice Guy" type (it's easy for me to spot them, b/c I AM one ). If that's been the case, then your wife will react immediately to "180s" from you that demonstrate STRENGTH.
Take a read of FightingFit's thread, if you haven't already done so. It's there in black-and-white what you need to do. Also search for posts by a guy here named Gucci Loafer.
Thanks. Not sure about status of PA. I don't believe anything she says. I think it's with a co-worker but from another, distant office. She first offered access to email accounts, etc, but then back pedaled. She may be trying to wrap it up and have a last fling before offering to be transparent.
You're right about mr. nice guy posture. Need help in that dept. I will make some adjustments soon. Any other advice is appreciated.
My advice would be to gather whatever intel is necessary to determine if the affair is still continuing. Once you know that, one way or another, we can come up with a course of action.
No can do. She has work computers and texts off her blackberry. I have a laptop which she doesn't use. Last time we talked about it, she insisted it was a mistake and that he was an 'out of towner'.
Can folks give advice on the tactic of exposure? W is real tight with her immediate family - I think most would think she is crazy for getting into this mess. Her mom is her best friend and would be devastated. Only thing is that the news would actually affect her (mother in law's) health because she is older and is the type that worries over everything. If she gets sick b/c I exposed the sitch re: daughter, my W, it could backfire big time.
Given all that, the threat of exposure alone seems like a good position, but I don't know when to use it. Please help.
). If that's been the case, then your wife will react immediately to "180s" from you that demonstrate STRENGTH.