PM Thread #5 - Hope new plan works

[25yearsmlc]

Yes God CAN AND WILL help you and your children through this. Remember to visualize your future as a happy one and for now, assume he's not going to be in it much BUT that you WILL STILL be happy.

Sorry about the kids pain. It just sucks. I think I posted to already about how to stress what stays the same in the kids lives. I do NOT think it's leading them on to say daddy MIGHT someday live closer to them, nor is it wrong to say you both will always love each other (in some form), and of course that you are always going to feel glad you m him b/c hey, you got THEM in your world, and what a prize!! If they ever ask why you two got m and why it did not work, maybe say "must have been M b/c God wanted us to have YOU in our lives!" even if it turns out we weren't "meant to stay together forever" (--Don't know how to word that one so ask the c, but I do know that they need to believe you see them as they are; i.e., so valued and loved by you (both, hopefully).

I find it amazing that he does not think the kids will ever get it about the OW, but that will be an interesting event. OW must wonder wth is going on but bet anything she does not yet know this condition of his. Hmmm. Well, once you are gone he'll have ALL that space he so needed...but no one to talk to about it...oh my my, PM...you are doing the right thing. Not as a tactic (but I can't think of a better one at this point) but as a move for YOU and YOURS.


Remember PM, you can GAL move forward, and keep the road home paved and smooth as well. You can do it all, IF YOU WANT TO, but you don't have to want to...so move forward, see how YOU feel and what God has in store for you. I have a really good feeling about your long term future. I really do. Did you check out the survivor stories or smartcookie's threads somewhere here?

Honey you are going to be alright. More than alright. You really are. Have faith. Rememeber if you operate in fear, you are not operating in faith. YOU CAN DO THIS. You are! God Bless your family and your parents and I hope your h finds some sort of clarity in his life soon. Even if all it does is bring him closer to your children, it'll be something good for his troubled soul, and your kids.

Try not to show the kids how much pain you are in. They need comfort FROM YOU rather than having to give it TO YOU...I know you know this but you'd be surprised how many LBSers use the kids for their pain. (Ever hear Kelly Clarkson's song "Because of You"? Hard to hear if you think of a mom doing that to her kid, but a good warning for us all as parents).

HUGS!!

J-

[karen43]

Don't let them see your pain? I think kids pick up more than you think, or want them to! I did have my crying phases sometimes; I don't think that's bad. I just said Mommy's sad about the divorce, but we'll be ok. I think it's weirder almost if you don't show your emotions and try to keep it bottled up inside. I have always saved my venting stuff here and close friends, I think that's true.

I think you have been a real rock, PM. Handled everything as well as anyone could. I'm sorry, but everytime I come see you here, I think your H is such an idiot!!! Karen

[25yearsmlc]

I didn't say to "hide" the pain. Am pointing out that they need her to parent them and comfort them. Seeing a mom cry is scary to some kids. OTHER LBSers, not PM, have at times leaned hard on their kids and maybe too hard. I also post for those. Sometimes the LBSer does not know it, but sometimes I think they do it to manipulate the WAS, and sometimes it's just selfish or weak, but that's why I found the Clarkson song so moving and scary and in some cases, spot on.

Of course PM isn't walking around in happy land now. But she DOES have to do some real reassuring of her kids. I stand by that. Her kids are young ones. They are afraid. And hurt. They may well "want their mommy" to make THEM feel better. That's all.

PM, I agree with karen about how I feel when I read your posts. I get the same gut reaction about your h. My first take on it is always that the OW must have lots of money, or your h must have ZERO common sense, and or an empty heart and mind, or some HUGE deficit IN HIM...b/c this sure ain't about you honey.

(( j ))

[Can it work]

Hey PM

I just thought I'd come on and tell you that I'm really sorry for what you're going through right now. You don't deserve any of this. I wish there were more words of encouragement I could offer you. For what it's worth though, I too think you're doing the right thing. I know that won't stop it hurting but I truly believe that once this hurdle is past you will start to improve within yourself even more.

I myself was in a very similar situation to your kids when I was 10 years old. My dad was having an affair and broke up with my mum. The first thing I knew about it was when my dad took me, my brother and my sister for a drive in the car one day. He took us to this house we'd never been to before and went inside. Surprisingly, it was my mum who was in the house. I thought at the time it was a surprise and we were all moving. It was only when I asked about who was sleeping where that they told us that mum and dad's room was only going to be mum's room. I took it very badly if I'm honest but not for long. I soon bounced back and became myself once again. My mum was a tower of strength through everything just as I know you will be for your kids. I never hated my dad for what he did but I never got on well with the OW (she's now my step-mum). At the end of the day, he was still my dad and I loved him. I know you feel horrible about what's happening PM but your kids will get over it and lead a normal life. The scary thing is that separation and divorce is normal for kids these days. I hope it helps you to hear this and to know that my brother, my sister and I all went on to do well in life and find fantastic careers.

I hope you find yourself again and learn to smile once more.

Kev X

[markhaving probs]

Hello PM,

Like everyone here I am really sorry to hear about the children's reaction to the D. My stomach was turning over as I was reading your post, I could feel the pain coming through the words and I feel so upset for your children.

As Karen, Kev and 25yrs has said and I have said to you before, you are an incredible woman, you even DB'ed when you were talking (listening) to your H about his work. That takes alot of guts and self control and I admire you for it.

Your H clearly does not know what he is losing and the hurt he is inflicting on you and your children. I feel the same way, how can you hurt the people you love so badly and not even think twice?

You has risen above all this and showed you are the better person. Something I'm sure will come of this, it sorts of feels inevitable you will/are going to achieve something amazing because of who and what you are.

Stay strong PM, we are here for you.

Mark x

[PositivelyMommy]

Thank you very much 25yrs, Kev and Mark. I needed your words the last couple of days and I came back to the board to read it again and again. Now, I am feeling a little bit better.

First of all, Kev, thank you SO MUCH for sharing your life with me. I know it must be difficult to write those words and remind yourself the period of pain that you went thru as a child. You didn't write about your childhood before and I am touched that you chose to share it with me, to console me, at this time as I worry so much about the children. Thank you. They are doing a little better now. I think 'out of sight, out of mind'. Their dad won't come around till the weekend so I imagine the emotions will come back when he is around again and when he has to leave again. I am sure it will play out over the months as they get used to the idea of Dad 'leaving'.

But Kev's story of survival is a gratifying one.

Mark, thank you for your confidence in me and in your encouraging words. I try very hard to be strong and to retain a decent R with H as I don't want any of us to suffer more than is absolutely necessary. That is why I am still DB'ing. I want the kids to have a loving dad and that means I have to work with H, to encourage him, to comfort and console him even. It's no good if he fell apart now, not good for anyone. And really, I really do wish the best for him. I have cared for him for most of my life, I cannot stop now, it's not in my nature. I really do want him to find peace within himself and some happiness. But I know it's a difficult journey for him since he is not an immoral man, just a man who made immoral decisions and bad choices. He will suffer for these.

25yrs, I know that God is looking after me. When I was at my lowest point last year, I didn't have a job, my family was far away, I lost my best friend (H) and my kids young and innocent. Since then I have had a year to become stronger, to work on myself and I found that God has provided me with the very things that I needed.

I found two good counsellors, I became closer to my family than ever, 2 girlfriends became my close confidants (to replace H's friendship) and I now have several part time jobs and volunteer work to help with my self-esteem and empowerment.

I do not operate out of fear anymore (listening Mark?) I feel a sense of control over my life, I see options and good choices to mull over. Opportunities that were not available to me before have suddenly appeared. I feel very blessed.

I am not bothered by OW anymore. I feel sorry for this woman who has such low self-respect for herself that she feels she doesn't deserve a happy, well-balanced, free man. I know she will have a very tough road ahead of her regardless of whether she stays with my H or not. I do not see her as shiny and attractive and better than me. I see her as pathetic, lonely and without direction.

I DO feel things are going to go well for me. It's a strange feeling to have when your M is going down the dumps. Maybe it really is the way things were meant to happen for me. Maybe God saw that I needed more in my life, a change. Maybe change is NOT a bad thing. Maybe I DO deserve better than H, not just in the sense of another man but more quality of life for ME.

I don't think that I was unhappy with H. I liked being his W, his confidant, his partner. But I see now that he had something missing in his life. He doesn't know what it is and is looking very hard for it now (new job, new woman etc). Because of this, I was made to look very hard into my life and find other meaning into it. That's OK. I am not bitter anymore. Nothing is forever, nothing is guaranteed.

I know that if I ever find someone else to love, I would love them in the same way. To give my all, to be open (not secretive), to offer everything. H cannot do that with OW as he has compartmentalized his life, but hey, that is his choice, it doesn't have to be mine.

As for the kids. They are showered with hugs by me. I let them be sad, I encourage them to talk about their feelings. I remind them of all the people who love them. I let them know that they are taken care of. My parenting style has not changed. I know I do a damn good job as a Mom and I will continue to do so. We will just take this one step at a time and I will let God take me where I need to be.

[mdoodles]

i gain strength from your posts and u sound like u are holding it together.

good for you. i should keep rereading your last post, perhaps it will help me, we are in similar points in our journey.

[25yearsmlc]

PM,

no time to post now but wanted to say "Good job" to you again, and also, you said something that reminded me of a book for you. It's called "The Gift of Change" and is by Marianne Williamson. I know, I do recommend her books a lot these days (yet do not get a commission!). But she helped me a lot and I recall THAT book as a pivotal one for me starting to see the upside, or the light at the end of the tunnel. Visualizing things that are good, as you are, that might NOT have happened were it not for the wacky painful ride...

I love your attitude. Seems to beget more of itself, if you kwim...

HUGS!!

j-

[Can it work]

Good Morning PM

I'm was glad to read in your post that you're managing to hold it together in this very trying time. That shows real strength of character. I think you're doing absolutely brilliant in the way you're handling things with your kids and your sitch in general.

It was no problem at all for me to share that snippet of my childhood with you. To be honest, I know I was very upset at the time but I don't look back on it as a particularly painful period in my life. I got over it and it must have contributed in some way to the person I've become. I'll try and explain a bit further. My dad was away from home a lot for work during my childhood. He was making good money though and we wanted for nothing in life. In fact, I would go so far as to say we were a bit spoiled. That all changed when we moved out to live with my mum though. She didn't have the money my dad did and he only provided as much as the law required him to. My mum had to get out and get more jobs to support us and she did fantastically. In fact, she flourished and I'm proud of her for her achievements to this day. We were no longer spoiled though and I think that would have improved me in my development.

I just tell that story to let you know PM that it is possible to basically bring up children on your own and still have them turn out well. Obviously, my M aside! We'll not go in to that one here though! LOL.

Keep smiling PM. You really are doing well and will continue to do well I'm sure. In fact, use this as an opportunity to flourish! Your kids will one day look back and thank you for their success. Keep that thought in mind.

Kev

[Esox]

Hi PM,

This is just my opinion, but . . .

It is good that you spoke with your kids, but I think you need to tell them the truth of why their father is leaving. You need to explain to them that their father has a girlfriend, and that just isn't allowed in marriage. Someone must show them what marriage is supposed to be about, and that someone must be you.

If you don't explain this to them they are going to be confused. They are just going to think that you and their father weren't a good match or whatever. Or that if someone in a marriage isn't happy it is o.k. just to leave. Their father is having an affair. That is why he is leaving. Further, the kids will find out the truth eventually and they aren't going to be real happy that you lied to them.

You really need to stop protecting him from his bad decisions. And If your husband isn't self-employed, you need to tell his work about this . . . especially if he supervises this "woman". The company could be in trouble is their little fling goes south . . . like sexual harassment lawsuit trouble.

Don't help this man break up your family. Don't protect him from the fallout from his bad decisions. I would tell everyone what he is doing. All your friends, all his relatives, all her relatives, their work. If she is married her husband needs to know too. Exposure is toxic to affairs. I would start doing some.