Karen, Thank you so much for your reply. I keep telling myself I'm not the only one going through this. It's just so unbelievable to me right now. My mom was my wife's best friend. I always joked to my wife, although I think I actually meant it, that everyone loved her more than they loved me. Karen, I'm not going to sit her and say I was the greatest husband ever. I'm too much like my father. When things blow up, or I get mad, I didn't speak for a couple of days. Not right, I know now more than ever, but that is who I was. The hardest part for me is that I changed so much as a person in January. I had to. I wasn't happy with who I was and I couldn't expect my wife to be, either. Her first phone call to her new boyfriend (as far as my phone records show) was the 25th of February. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I really cannot believe this is going on. If she would have left me last year, I would have realized, but why now? I'm am in such a better place in my life now and am such a better person. I'm the husband she deserved. That's where my problem is in dealing with this. I changed before she left, not after. Maybe she detached before and I just didn't realize it, but I'm a very rational person and I don't believe so. I thank you for your reply and I wish I would have found this site before the @#$% hit the fan and maybe I wouldn't be here. I just cannot believe this is happening like it is. I will deal and will be better in the long run, but it's just hard to imagine that right now.
M35 H33 S4 S7 M6 T11 found out about OM 03/11/09 she left 04/11/09 she filed D 04/21/09
speaking as one cheated on, and who DID once cheat, all i can say is in the end, when you get a little older and stuff, you really realise, that your partner being infatuated with another person, and having sex with them, tho HURTFUL and DREADFUL, you know it isnt real. you know deep inside yourself that its just a game, a stupid phase, and you know that this thing they're having is NOTHING compared to what you have together (history etc). Some could say but, how cuold you stay, how could you not get jealous? well from MY perspective, as I got older, I just became less and less "sexually" jealous. I think most of us might agree, who fight for marriage yes? jealous of the closeness and the intimacy YES, but of the sex? nah not overly. Even if its GREAT and im sure it IS yanno? it was for me when I had my affair; so?
Let me say I know this for sure - memories of "great sex" fade whereas memories of wonderful family times and great moments, they never fade; they just sink deeper and deeper into whats dear to your heart and mind. And even tho it may seem like yuor havnig a wonderful and "intimate" time with an OM or OW, its all just so JUVENILE, I cant say it any more clearly; its so IMMATURE and so RIDICULOUS - its compeltely unreal. theres nothing there except a brain sodden with hormones. its SHARED HISTORY that matters not stolen moments of groping panting sex before you go home to have dinner with your family.
IN THE END, the affair is pretty much a shameful memory, one you want to forget. In the end you want to even forget those so called "intimate" moments, bc they were fake and stolen an based on untruth and cheating. thats not love. It is unbelievable just how much you DONT CARE about a past lover you had an affair with several years down the track. I know if I saw MY LOVER again, in the street, Id just look away in embarassment. Id not even exchange a WORD with him!
its impossible to tell anyone going thru an affair these things bc they have to get thru it themself, but it is like a drug and it is addictive and mostly its covering up deep dissatisfaction in life; it causes a massive amount of shame and horror later on though. at the time you dont care bc you dont even care ABOUT YOURSELF. all you care about is the OP and how you feel with them theres no "future consquences". they're so attractive bc they are so hard to GET. but deep down you know you dont want to get them at all, thats what your REALLY doing - wasting time with an OP you cant really have anyhow. theres no substance there.
i would say the ONLY benefit in HAVING an affair is knowing how they work and feel and knowing how the end and the end is TRULY "the end", unlike the pain of D. I think partners who stand by their cheating partners are strong and loving an know it very well might pass, if they fight. i dont think its weak or wrong i think its a labor of TRUE LOVE. our w or h might not appreciate it AT THE TIME of the addiction to OP, but chances are they will, later on when its all over.
and if you lose the battle and the OP wins, well you can still always say "wow I loved w or h, and I tried so very hard for them". thats something to be really proud of, particularly for children
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
and if you lose the battle and the OP wins, well you can still always say "wow I loved w or h, and I tried so very hard for them". thats something to be really proud of, particularly for children
Wow...hope you don't mind my jumping on to this thread but just wanted to say that your words were very comforting to me. I keep telling myself to not give up...because I truly do love my H and have been trying hard. I need to try harder to forgive him.
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
I want to echo that your message helped alot. Although I am having a difficult time dealing with my anger regarding my H's selfishness in having an affair (he's in MLC), it does help greatly to think that this is just a stage he is going through. He's changed so completely over the last few months, but I just can't believe that the 'real' man isn't still underneath all of the destructive behaviors. I really needed the encouragement. Thank you.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
speaking as one cheated on, and who DID once cheat, all i can say is in the end, when you get a little older and stuff, you really realise, that your partner being infatuated with another person, and having sex with them, tho HURTFUL and DREADFUL, you know it isnt real. you know deep inside yourself that its just a game, a stupid phase, and you know that this thing they're having is NOTHING compared to what you have together (history etc). Some could say but, how cuold you stay, how could you not get jealous? well from MY perspective, as I got older, I just became less and less "sexually" jealous. I think most of us might agree, who fight for marriage yes? jealous of the closeness and the intimacy YES, but of the sex? nah not overly. Even if its GREAT and im sure it IS yanno? it was for me when I had my affair; so?
Let me say I know this for sure - memories of "great sex" fade whereas memories of wonderful family times and great moments, they never fade; they just sink deeper and deeper into whats dear to your heart and mind. And even tho it may seem like yuor havnig a wonderful and "intimate" time with an OM or OW, its all just so JUVENILE, I cant say it any more clearly; its so IMMATURE and so RIDICULOUS - its compeltely unreal. theres nothing there except a brain sodden with hormones. its SHARED HISTORY that matters not stolen moments of groping panting sex before you go home to have dinner with your family.
IN THE END, the affair is pretty much a shameful memory, one you want to forget. In the end you want to even forget those so called "intimate" moments, bc they were fake and stolen an based on untruth and cheating. thats not love. It is unbelievable just how much you DONT CARE about a past lover you had an affair with several years down the track. I know if I saw MY LOVER again, in the street, Id just look away in embarassment. Id not even exchange a WORD with him!
its impossible to tell anyone going thru an affair these things bc they have to get thru it themself, but it is like a drug and it is addictive and mostly its covering up deep dissatisfaction in life; it causes a massive amount of shame and horror later on though. at the time you dont care bc you dont even care ABOUT YOURSELF. all you care about is the OP and how you feel with them theres no "future consquences". they're so attractive bc they are so hard to GET. but deep down you know you dont want to get them at all, thats what your REALLY doing - wasting time with an OP you cant really have anyhow. theres no substance there.
i would say the ONLY benefit in HAVING an affair is knowing how they work and feel and knowing how the end and the end is TRULY "the end", unlike the pain of D. I think partners who stand by their cheating partners are strong and loving an know it very well might pass, if they fight. i dont think its weak or wrong i think its a labor of TRUE LOVE. our w or h might not appreciate it AT THE TIME of the addiction to OP, but chances are they will, later on when its all over.
and if you lose the battle and the OP wins, well you can still always say "wow I loved w or h, and I tried so very hard for them". thats something to be really proud of, particularly for children
Thank you for your perspective, Fighting.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I've enjoyed this thread as well. Sadly-I am in the same boat- W has had 2 A's in the last 6 months, the newest one is a month old and they make their relationship official via FB. I also learned the MIL had dinner w/ the two of them Monday night.
I have busted the A's and I have done my best to set boundaries and not allow cake-eating...why can I not let go? Why do I want to stay w/ W?
Unfortunately, our R/M was riddled w/ inconveniences- split shifts, working 6-7 days a week, MIL living w/ us for 6 months- and money issues.
In fact in the 5 years living together, we prob went to bed at the same time a handful of times...her A's are much better than our M was- and that makes me sad- I feel like she will never come back.
I'm attempting NC while I await papers- all I can do is focus on me and pray for something.
