I haven't got much time on the computer for a long response which I feel you all deserve so I'll have to be brief as both W and I agreed to limit our time on the computer.
Arthur, W falling asleep is linked to her medical condition so when she nods off at the end of the day that's it for 8 - 10 hours. A short nap would be no good as I'd never wake her again, although sometimes I do think she could do more to stay awake if she wanted to.
Sandi, I think you are spot on with everything you put in your last post, needles to say your patience level has just about dropped to the same as mine and I think next time I'll be out the door. (ooops I'm already for seeing a next time). But every thing you said struck a cord.
<I am concerned that there will always be another man in the wings.>
<She is telling Lan what she "needs" for him to do for her, but what is she doing for him?>
<She apparently still loves Lan and "wants" him or she would choose to walk away.>
<This falling asleep and and not having sex.........I don't know if that is something she can avoid or if it is games.>
<She wants Lan, but she want the admiration of other men and the "fantasy" with them. >
<I bet if she discovered that he was interested or "looking" at another woman--we would see a complete turn around in this story! If bet she would be as jealous as anyone ever thought about.>
Fb2, I think W could use the professional help however now things have calmed I don't think she's be up for it as much as when I said I'd had enough. W has invited me out for dinner on Sunday ahead of the extended weekend holiday and she's paying. So when we start talking I will raise this subject and see how it goes I've got a few other things on my agenda but I'll try not to overwhelm her.
I should put more thought into this before I even make the suggestion, but do you think it would be a 180 if somehow you could cause her to feel that "she" had to be the one to really do the work this time around in order to keep you? I may have it wrong, but when this happened before, I felt like she "agreed" on trying to piece the M together again, but did she really put any effort into it or was it not mostly you? So, I'm wondering if you were the one that......how shall I say this?........the one she has something to prove to....and that the M is worth saving. Do you think it would make a difference with her? Like when dating and one "plays hard to get"? Does what I'm trying to say make any sence? I'm not sure how you would do it except to not be as "eager" to be the first one to jump into working your a$$ off toward a better R like you did before.... and pull back and just see if she plans to do anything for "you" or if she continues to play the role of the princess. You know, Puppy always used that term when describing his W's attitude in the M and said that she acted as if she "deserved" to be treated like a princess. Where do these women get off being like that? Were they spoiled when they were girls at home?
I'm not suggesting that you not try at all to make things work, but I feel that you were the one that put so much heart, soul, finances, and back breaking labor into doing all that building on the home and every wish she had....you tried to deliver. Where is her stopping place? I'm wondering what she is going to come up with this time to tell you that "if only she had ________, then she would be happy". That doesn't work b/c there will always be something that she thinks will make her happy if she only had that. I have know women like her and you could buy everything she asked for and it would only satisfy her for a short time and then she would be unhappy again. She has to find out what is causing the void inside of her and realize that material things cannot fill that void. That may be another reason she has a need to turn to other men for some type of emotional fulfillment. Like I said before, it seems like something for a professional to fix. However, you can make her go against her will.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My computer time is down to a minimum although I do manage a quick peek when W falls asleep or I can grab a few minutes at work. W computer time at home is down to zero.
We have a long holiday weekend coming up so W and I are planning what activites we can do as a family, money is a bit tight but I'm sure we'll come up with somthing.
I am deliberately not doing a long post here but I do need to free up some time so I can respond to the last couples of posts from Sandi as she has raised some intersting points.
It's the end of the long holiday weekend, it's ended early for me as I have to go to work on Monday but W and D7 have the day together to do some girly activities. We all spent time together this weekend and had the family time W requested.
Gettting back to Sandi's previous post I guess from all the stuff I write it looks like I am doing all of the work in this M (and believe me it feels like it), but from W point of view I guess she feels like she is working on the M just as much but in her own way. I think to 180 this whole thing around I would need to put both feet out of the door and be walking away into the distance. I keep tip toeing towards this but I keep pulling back, one day maybe one day I'll make a move and go for good.
I think W would be an ideal case for some professional help and I'm sure she'd be able to keep some analyst in work for hours but as Sandi says I can't force her to seek help she has to do that on her own.
W had been off the computer for a while but she went on on Friday and joined FB, she has one friend and it's not me lol., I think I'll take the steve277 approach on this and let it ride for a while cos the situation looked quite comical from my POV.
Anyway back to us, we visited one of our friends over the weekend, the H is away for 6 months working in the middle east and the W is struggling to cope with the kids. D18 has hit the rebel button and has become uncontrollable, D10 and S7 are playing up and there is a distinct lack of respect from kids to the parent. The bottom line is the dysfunction from the kids stems from W & H having their problems, many times they would have seen H being verbally abusive to W and now he is away, they seem to be taking it upon them selves to keep this up. W and I talked about this and the need for two parents to be functioning correctly for the kids to be respectful manageable. I think a penny may have dropped there for her.
Last night at W cuddle up to me, instead of me seeking her out, we spoke about the above and one or two other things, oh W mention the no sex at the moment was becuase she still has her woman's problem, she's gonna see the doc again about it and hopefully get it sorted.
A glorious sunny weekend over here in the UK, temperatures set to hit 27C (80F) hot by anyone’s standards. Anyway I’m just going to journal for a bit, I’m not really looking for feedback.
So, I think I’ve hit a similar impass to K Sunshine whereby our spouce is happy with the status quo, happy to be seen as married in the eyes of the masses, but when we push for something closer, more of what we want then they withdraw, back away or revert to type.
Certainly in my case W wants to be married, may even love me in her own way but she backs off and has ready made excuses when my needs are brought to the fore. In fact she is using a kind of “Jedi mind trick” to convince me all of this is my fault. I mean in her eyes she has secret friends because I am a very jealous H and if she as much as looks at another man then I give off a bad reaction. (WTF) yep she keeps pushing the jealous husband bit as her reason for secret friends. And now she is disgusted cos I keep spying on her. Well I told her I’m more disgusted by the fact that she talks to OP in secret (Touché)
On the no sex, the latest is I put her it off it by accusing her of having an A, after the accusation she thought to herself what’s the point. (what’s the poing indeed, last week it was womans problems). I said that was only a couple of weeks ago and we’ve barely had any since the start of the year, defiantly once, maybe twice. W is convinced its more. She's also trying to convince me she’s been making more of an effort in that department. Well maybe she did April til June last year but since then not much. I remeinded her of some of her other excuses like she she wants to be woo'ed, but that just goes over her head.
Well we had more circular discussions bit it’s a bit pointless indeed, if a take a quote room a movie (I wish I could remember which one) she’s pi**ing on my head and telling me its raining. well that’s how it feels anyway.
So as I said it’s a glorious weekend, D7 and I are going to the local water park to feed the ducks and the swans, then we will practice more on her bike, she can ride it without stabilisers, but it just the starting and the stopping she has trouble with.
So if focusing on D7 counts as withdrawing, then I think I'll be withdrawing for a while.
Lanzo
PS K sunshine, our spouces know us too well and know the point to which they can keep us at bay and when to give us a little positive to stop us from walking.
PPS I've been on FB for a good while now and not had one offer, may be time to change my picture .
Not much to report, just thought I'd say a small hello to those that follow me.
As I said not much to report, the emotional rollercoster that was, is now more of a merry go round (and I want to get off). W sees things her way and not much will change that, we take things to the brink and then back off, to the brink again and then back off etc. thats not much different to how we were pre bomb. W sees things her way and not much will change that, all sounds a bit repetitive (well it is).
W said I hadn't spoken to her all week, funny, I thought she wasn't speaking to me, so not much conversation between us apart from essential stuff or D7. Actually I can say this was down to me cos I wasn’t happy with the way she just dismissed her past internet usage as no big deal, in other words just forget it. She actually said it in a playful way,the way you would jump at if you were in the newcommers section but I didn't (want to)pick up on it.
I follow K.Sunshine’s story very closely and I think this is where I am at
Originally Posted By: Kat22 (to K.Sunshine)
Even when this place gets you down and the advice gets old, just know that you are loved and have friends all over the world.
More specifically
Originally Posted By: fb2
You need to insist on professional help. This is not a do-it-yourself project.
Originally Posted By: Lanzo
W sees things her way and not much will change that,
I'm not getting after you fb2, but if W doesn't want to seek help I can't force her.
OK I’m still here reading everyday but not really posting with any entusiasmn.
.